Life's Like That

9.14.00. Oh my friend. I am so lonley right now. I'm terribly tired but the noise outside keeps me awake. I'm listening to another tape Brad made me. He's awesome. Heather just invited me to aerobics tomorrow. I'm there.

"Do your feet hurt? Did you fall from heaven. Cause you've been running through my mind all day." -MxPx

5.13.01. Wanna know how Randy proposed to Lana? He put a message board around Rocky's neck (their dog) that said 'Lana will you marry me?' That's sooo cute! I'm so lucky to have Lana as a big sister. She's so important to me. She tells me all about guys and her culture and about life.

"Be yourself. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

Kara comes home tomorrow, yayy!

I hung out with Joy yesterday and she made me feel really good. Sometimes that's all it takes. One sunny afternoon with a childhood friend. And the whole world is dreamy.

"Some people become good friends and stay awhile leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts and we are never quite the same"

Tony yelled at me today for carrying my knife at work. Jerkoff. I'll carry it anytime I want thank you.

Adam went to the Y with me yesterday and wore jeans. What is that about? I was like 'you can't work out in those!'

Norma said she finds it strange that I'm 19 and have only had sex with one person. She thinks it's like rare or something.

"Without love there is no freedom, without love, freedom is merely an idea which has no value at all" -Krishnamurti

Joy told me something pretty cool, she said that sometimes you just have to bite your tongue even if you think you can predict a sitution. Sometimes you just have to let it play out and know that eventually the other person will see.

I just don't feel like I want to be with anyone right now. No need to. I feel so into myself and wanting to learn about myself more and why I changed and acted certain ways. I never want to go back to how I was a year ago. So glad I finally saw the light. I feel so happy now. Kara told me last night that I'm like a year behind everything. How I missed out on all these good songs and all this stuff b/c of what I went through. She said how much I hurt all my friends b/c they watched me go from this gorgeous cheerleader to wearing all black and stuff. She said no one could believe it and I was like 'hon, I'm all about being cute again!'

"In my younger years, I used to be so free" -MxPx

Check Your Shit

9.7.00. A week from today I will be 19. Steve Dipetre is 21 today. Grandmom will be 80 next week. Numbers. That's all they are.

I like my classes. College is so unlike high school because the people - you don't know them. Therefore you aren't really distracted in class. And it's so nice to not know stuff about people.

Chris and I went to Harrisburg on Saturday. It was really boring there. The train ride was nice though.

Tonight was the greatest show of my life. Less Than Jake took it away. There was so many people there. And EVERYONE was moving. It was soo great. I had a smile on my face as I sang along the whole time. I had the urge to crowdsurf. I jumped up hoping someone would lift me up but no such luck. Crowdsurfers are really annoying but I was superhuman at this point. Total ecastcy. People were shaking. I cannot even explain the high I get from shows. Every grudge, prejudice and bad feeling about anyone disappears. Everyone in the crowd is my best friend. We're all there to have a good time. Nothing irks me. I love myself completely. I love the music. The expression through it. It was an awesome night. It's raining now.

"On a Tuesday in the rain.." -LTJ

Old Habits Die Hard!!!

The Rainforest

6.10.00. We leave for senior week today. Many adventures to be had.

Last night I watched this show on women kept as sex slaves. It mortified me. What is wrong with the world?

"Isn't it weird that we have nothing in common with our friends?" -Jen

Jill and Trent had this HUGE fight tonight. I've never seen her so upset.

"Don't say Sionara. I wanna see you tomorrow" -Descendents

Ya know what I've come up with: love is born from self hatred. That's why we need it. If we all loved ourselves, we'd get along just fine but instead we look for other people to love us because they'll fall in love with the qualities we dislike about ourselves. And break ups are so hard because the other person can walk away from all those things, but we'll be stuck hating ourselves forever.

I have been ever so indecisive lately. I think I shouldn't write names or relate anything too real because of the confrontation if anyone ever read it. I am going to see a shrink again soon. My emotions have gotten the better of me. My parents are gone. To Virginia. I wish I had gone along. An escape from this place is what I need. It is an especially hard effort to breathe.

"Tying yourself to me, stitch up my emptiness, cuz you're the death of me" -Orgy

Ah music is my savior. My feelings, are they real? I don't know how to reach inside of people. We're all so different. I can't help but sympathize with all of them. They're human, so am I. I want to make a connection.

Gotta find a method, a philosphy, a motto, something to live by and that gives me strength.

I need a kitty. Love. Unconditional. Reguardless.

I always wanted to be a writer but I can't think of anything to write.





See.

La de da

4.7.02. "You got yourself into this mess, it's not my fault"

"I wish you could just know me better, that's all"

"Don't you get it? I LIKE HURTING YOU. I ENJOY HURTING YOU. IT GIVES ME PLEASURE TO SEE YOU IN PAIN. I'M AN ASSHOLE. BUT I DO A PRETTY GOOD JOB COVERING IT UP."

(sobs, tears flowing uncontrollably....mental pain)

"Listen, I don't feel good inside. When I was little, I spent a lot of time in hospitals. I never felt good since then or even before".

(Disappointment Sadness Animosity Fear Anger Defeat)

(the realization that things will never change) <-----------

"Talk. Say something".

(absolute terror)

Help me please.

"Sometimes I just get in a bad mood and I don't know why. I have to be mean to everyone around me. And then 1/2 hour later I'm fine".

[Invalid excuse]

"It could be so much better than this" -Get Up Kids

Losing Streak Records

4.5.02. "You're lucky, at least you have a chance of getting married," she said. "What?!" I exclaimed.

"Guys will want to marry you because you're pretty. I haven't had a date in two years".

Amanda is a very fat girl. I like her though just the same. I like her face. She is attractive. I tell her so. She shrugs it off.

"I don't want to get married til I'm like 30," I say.

"I want to get married as soon as possible," she replies.

So saddened by the thought that she can have this perspective. Life can be so unfair.

Fat Girls Finish Last <---- bumper sticker.

"Sit down, remind me how this is the same old story of growing up and getting lost" -LTJ

A Watch That Would Stop Time

4.4.02. I can't feel my hands. It's like something is covering them up. It hurts to turn my neck. I feel dizzy and floaty. I just want to sleep. Sickness is a curse.

I like coming to work very much but I don't like working in the presence of my authority Joe. I feel as though he's just waiting for me to mess up. Everyone else is cool. It seems they all have something to teach me. A slice of their life to offer and the pleasure of being around them all is truly devine.

I have to memorize couplets for English class tomorrow providing that I go. I will write them down for memorizational purposes:

And yet believe me good as well as ill
Woman's at best, a contradiction still

And yet what is man??

Honor and shame from no condition rise
Act well your part, here all the honor lies

Hope springs eternal in the human breast
Man never is but always to be blessed

Trust not yourself but your defects to know
Make use of every friend, and every foe

I have such odd dreams when I am sick. Just before I awoke today, I was at this beach in this strange clothing shop with Janine and Kara. There was all kinds of jewerly and wild offits that I wanted to try on and buy. It makes me wonder, how does my mind create such images? Have I seen them all before or am I making it all up now?

I also dreamed that my grandmother passed away. Ever so quietly and yet I never said goodbye. Surprisingly, when I went downstairs this morning, I find that she has returned from my aunt's house.

My aunt sends me some plants today. The flowers are purple. They are cute little guys. I'll be sure to take care of them. Life is blooming all around us.

"She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain. She'll make you live her crazy life and she's take away your pain" -Ricky Martin

Christopher and I were talking about feminism last night, he tells me how disgusted he is by porn. I find porn entertaining when I don't look at the actors as actual human beings.

"Make yourself a part of me, a part of me to let you go" -Orgy

Alive

2.6.08. Tonight I am filled with hope. Brian is leaving in 3 days and I've been frightened by and dwelling on that fact but tonight I feel like a strong warrior. I am fine on my own. I'm strong, beautiful and able.

Sometimes I get down or stuck in a perspective but I have great friends to pull me through and keep me going. Shelly and I started a creative writing group and though it is only 3 people right now, it felt grand!

I can't wait to make this place mine. I have big ideas. I'm going to love my life and love myself and not worry about boys and the drama. I will work on cultivating friendships with men and women and most of all just live the love and share the stories. That is why I must write. I want others to be strong and perservere.

"The body is a fragile thing but the heart can hold on to something forever"

I'm beginning to think humans aren't a monogomous sex. I feel bitter towards women for allowing themselves to be cheated on and for letting themselves get involved with a man who is involved.

"I know that you're leaving, you must have your reasons. The season is calling, your pictures are falling down" -Blink 182

When I was little, I never imagined that infidelity would be such a factor in my life. I didn't even know there was such a thing! I hate it. It seems inevitable that it will wreck havoc on any relationship.

"I feel sad today on the inside of my skin" -Sabrina Ward Harrison

1 person to fulfill emotional, sexual and physical needs. So freakin romantic to me but maybe not realistic. I wish I could just understand it. Is there a healthy, stable guy out there who isn't cocky?

My Life in Chapters

1981-1986: Growing, learning, mischevious, carefree, child, powerful, happy, Goshen Friends, Glen Thomas, Jeffrey, Katie, Jonathan Piltz, Liz & Karl Wesson, Lockwood Chase, sprinklers, ice cream, balloons, Carebears, swinging, singing loudly, Mommy, Grandparents, ballet, tap, gymnastics.

1987-1993: Penn Wood, make believe, Joy, Kelly, Jen, Chad, Jarid, bus stop games, Allison, riding bikes, playground, Bridget, Ocean City, Mrs. Sullivan, fights, getting in trouble for talking too much, Bus 16, Carol, school fair, halloween parades, chours, handbells, dance, rollerskating, band, cheerleading, book fairs, trolls, erasers, school play, assemblies, art, music, gym, recess, snacktime, soccer, little league.

1994-1996: Fugett Middle School, shop class, home ec, chours, talent shows, lacrosse, perms, dances, crushes, Jill, Pam, Kara, Janine, Jen Abrams, Gina, ski trips, Mr. Carr, Six Flags, soccer, akwardness, Red Team, B Team, cafeteria lunches, slurpees, pretzels, popular boys, journals, notebooks, Channel 1 News.

1997-2000: West Chester East High School, P Squad, true love, school store, JV & varsity cheerleading, Grease, South Pacific, theatre, Vermont, snowboarding, street funk, Jill, Jen Rogers, Stephanie, Kelly Dacko, Bosco, Pizii, formals, proms, driving Acura, punk ska shows, BC, Photography class, kickboxing, Matt Gunia, Mr. Hunsicker, hall pass, skip school, bomb threat, senior prank, yearbooks, Friday night football games, basketball games, cheerleading camp, AOL messenger, sex, bleachers, pep ralleys, Cut day, Bam, CKY.

2001-2005: College, Dub C, Rams Gate, South Campus apartments, Heather Sanders, Nicole, Kelly, Rexs, The Rat, 15 North, Papa Johns, Women's Studies, Communications, Radio Show, 9/11, Janine, Illinois State, Bull Center, Ram's Head, Sykes, Disney College Program, Brian, Lindsey Barnes, Liz, Earth Club, Andrew Welbrock, Dany Sloan, Yoga, Vegetarianism, campus rep, Bahamas trip, Burrito Loco, Jason, Piebald, Radio Conference, Aaron, Amores, shows.

2006-Present: Real world, Gaggle, Great Insurance Jobs, Orlando Florida, Bloomington-Normal Illinois, Camden apartments, Zan, Irwin, new furniture, bridal shower, wedding plans, being married, Cancun, Shelly, Luke, board games, Clayton College, Disney, Universal, Joshy, Lito, Jolyon, Celebration, Karla, being on my own, Infrastructure Engineers, being divorced, volleyball, softball.

written Fall 2007

Fall

9.7.07. I need a new job. This one is wearing me thin. I need more money. The people I work with bring me down. I wake up excited each day but by 5pm I am worn and weary. I find myself gasping for air, my throat and chest are closed up. I don't think it's normal to feel this stressed out or maybe I've just never had to work this hard before. There's so much to do but time flies by. I need Robin/Creative time. I will be 26 in one week. I remember being 20 and saying I was going to get serious about my writing. I don't want 9-5pm. I don't want a desk job or office politics. I need to be a freelancer or find my enterpruneur spirit.

"No amount of wanting ever acheived anything without a lesson attached"

Brian and I took these quizzes before we got married to determine our values. We both ranked wealth as number 2 after love. I feel like our lack of wealth strains our relationship a bit. I don't want to think/worry about money all the time. I want to learn to grow herbs and sell them or make soy candles. I want to help the world.

"Look for the dream that keeps coming back"

Lately, I've been wanting a house. Dreaming of having our own place. Entertaining friends, etc. It's so damn hot down here. Being up north made me want to move back. Maybe even to New York. I want to cook more! Sigh! So many wonderful things to do in this life.

"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like no one is watching"

20's

7.8.07. The 20's have been an interesting time period in my life - very crucial. I've reached a midpoint where I'm about a month away from turning 26, I feel like I'm having a mid-decade crisis! I graduated college, got married and held two jobs. I'm offically a grown up with professional experience. Child rearing is still at least 5 years away. And money is well - scarce. I'm praying we get out of here. I want to go home but I'm not sure Brian is ready to hear that.

"Telling the truth in love is like exposing the underside of my wings. We see that part only when we fly"

My biggest emotional struggle is that I want to figure out my life's work. Is it writing or holistic health? Or both? College wasn't really a fun time for me and if I could do it over I'd do a lot of things differently. Academically, socially. I'd go back and change it. College was kind of an inbetween place for me. I feel like I wasted a free education when I could have focused on Nutrition a long time ago but now it's too late. I wish I had taken a few years off before college, done administrative work first - cleared my head. But either way, I guess I'll survive.

"What happens after age 9? Because of the fear we don't trust our life, our story, our magic"

Great Sadness

7.2.07. Not sure if I should even be writing this awful realization. One day, sitting alone I'll look back and remember the calm before the storm. Today, maybe yesterday, maybe even on my wedding day, I realized that this marriage may not last. Not even a year as a married couple and I am ready to throw in the towel. No, I am not a quitter but it would seem that my husband is. He has betrayed my trust and shattered my reality of what I thought was the perfect relationship.

"The pain now is part of the happiness then, that's the deal" -Shadowlands

Yes, I've been through this all before...a little better built this time, I could almost have seen it coming. But disappointed still nonetheless. More afraid to let the world know, they've all been routing for us, thinking we'd definately be the ones to make it. I could play the part for sure, go on and ignore this ugly sin - maybe I even should. But how would that be honoring myself as a person? As a woman?

"I feel like swiss cheese. What goes inside the lonley holes?"

It's like a violent blow to the stomach and it creeps up when you least expect it knocking the wind out of you and leaves you gasping for breath. Suddenly everything is spinning in circles, in waves and you cannot think straight or at all, and for a minute, it's funny...ironic almost, you've come to expect it if anything. But the moment in which you realize that it is real, nothing can change it, the rug is ripped from under you. What to do? Where to go? How to go on? How do you divorce anyway? It's expensive I bet.

"It's the place that you come to fear the most..." -Dashboard Confessional

Thank God we don't have kids yet. What went wrong? Routine. That's life. "It's not like the movies". That's what you said. What would you think now? 'Haha...serves you right...' 'Wanna hang out?' Sellout again.

"The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love" -Lisa Lobe

2007

1.1.07. A new journal, a new year. Seems appropriate enough. To be honest, I haven't written in a long time. Anything. Not sure why. I think I convinced myself that I was too busy and that my silly thoughts didn't matter enough to emerge on paper. Wrong! Everyone has a story - unique and unlike anyone elses. This is my story and it needs to be told.

I'm going to turn 26 this year and I feel a lot of anxiety about that because I feel I haven't really accomplished anything yet in my life, at least not professionally. If anything, since I graduated college I've realized my sense of ambition. A little too late, I say to myself at times because I am working in a field I have zero passion for and feeling like I have no direction. I know this isn't true, it's never too late to go back to school but what it comes down to is finding out what I really want to do and how....to do it.

"Unless you could see inside my head, you couldn't possibly understand, I'm happier when things are falling apart, but you'll never know, just by looking at me. Strung out on the future, burnt out on the past, sometimes I rather burn this place right to the ground" -Less Than Jake

When I was home last week, my dad hammered into me how important it is to have a plan. I don't know why but I feel terribly akward at work. I don't fit in with most on an interpersonal level and though I know I'm not there to make friends, that's what it always comes down to for me - wanting to be liked. I don't want to have to act a certain way or try to fit into a mold to get ahead in the business world and that's why I don't feel it's for me. I want to choose a profession where I can be my authentic self. Yes, I can learn about business and accounting and all that but I want to do something that fulfills my soul.

Writing? Novels? Magazine articles? Newspaper columns? Poetry, Short stories, Plays, Musicals? Greeting cards?

This year I need to be Proactive and not reactive. I need to take Initiative. I've always struggled with this. I remember working at Summer Wrec in Mrs. Houpt's music class. Her comments on my evaluation were 'Has to be asked to do things'. Well, I guess maybe it's just my personality, how I've grown up. I don't mind doing things, I just don't always know what I'm supposed to do..

"Ain't nothing wrong, ain't nothing right and still I sit and lie awake all night" -Sublime

I've always sort of been mediocre. In school, soccer, cheerleading, flute, dance...well come to think of it, I wasn't even that great at those things. I just did them for fun and to be social.

I've always been pretty good at writing but...would someone really pay to read what I have to say?

On to another subject - I <3 living in Florida. It is simply wonderful and amazing. It's always gorgeous and warm. It just makes me feel fuzzy inside.

I'm on a workout kick and it feels great. I really love the way my body looks, it's so slender and curvy and supple. Youth is to be embraced. Omen.

Pleasure Pills

3.28.02. Do you live up to your sterotype?

I can't stop writing. I have a way with words. I'm not going to be a writer, I AM a writer.

"Love is just a word they colored red"

Someday Jill and I are going to stay at the Plaza hotel in NYC and we're going to watch Home Alone!

"My advice is don't spend your money on therapy. Spend it in a record store" -Win Wendors

It's funny how we try to rationalize our need for sex. We feel the need to justify the situations as they occur. Can't we just admit that we have urges and that no it doesn't have to make sex? I mean sense.

"Feelings are intense, words are trivial. Pleasures remain, so does the pain. Words are meaningless, and forgettable" -Depeche Mode

My mom got these pictures back last night and there's one of me and Chris. It made me really sad b/c we looked so good together. Yes. We were. In some crazy ways.

"You're not just losing me. You're losing what was almost meant to be" - The Starting Line

I'm so thankful for Matt's friendship and how we're always able to have these soulful conversations. He lets me express me deeply and I get to see his deep too.

4.9.02. Fears. What if one day Matt isn't there anymore to listen to me? What if my brother has kids and doesn't have time for me? What if my mom dies? What if I can't finish my book? What if I do and someone wants to change it? What if I move? What if I don't move? What if my reality falls apart?

People to read:
1) Rainer Maria Rilke
2) Henry Miller
3) Walt Whitman
4) Ananis Nan

"You are a raging sea, I pull myself out everyday. I plead insanity. Cuz I can't leave but I can't stay" -Sheryl Crow

I'm at the Exton train station. It looks like it could rain at any minute. I somehow expect to see Chris or his ghost walking down the tracks. Here comes a train. Slow and quietly. Thinking back to Chris, there was so much about ourselves we never expressed to one another. Most of what we did was just frustration.

"Before I close the door, I need to hear you say goodbye" -Mazzy Star

Blahs

3.11.02. Tonite is LTJ!! So I'm entertaining this thought. I want to share with the world my knowledge and experience but sometimes time is against you. I mean what if it takes too long until I'm 'smart-worthy' of getting my message across...will I have time even to sort it all out? Time is always against us. And do we ever stop learning anyway? The answer is no. We learn. But then we must unlearn too. Maybe we had all the knowledge we needed when we were children...

"Judge a tree by it's fruits. And ditto for people"

I think lonliness is my primary emotion. Because I have this need for connection with people. This desire to reallly know someone. I yearn for it, more than most people I think. But then it makes me wonder. Why? Is seeking such a connection just an excuse to run from ourselves?

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves and let the beautiful stuff out" -Ray Bradbury

I'm frustrated. B/c I'll ask guys...what do you want in a girl? And they say things like "I want a girl who is smart, pretty and has a good personality". And I'm thinking well I'm that...so then I think 'why don't the boys I like see that? Am I giving off the wrong signals? I don't get it.

"There's always some reason, to feel not good enough. And it's hard at the end of the day..." -Sarah McLachlan

Isn't it weird how fragile self esteem is? Anyone, anytime...can tear you down. I was telling Jen last night...how I've had to switch screennames so many times that I don't have many people to talk to online anymore. It kind of sucks.

Mr. Carr told me in 8th grade 'You can have any guy you want if you play your cards right...' Wow, I sure must have the wrong hand then. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

3.13.02. I think it's sick how people are led around by their sex organs. That's what is comes down to. Making out. Having sex. It's gross. Recyclying people. Bodies. This person got with this person and this person and so on.. Sharing germs. Bodily fluids. I am just looking at humans...but maybe even all life and thinking how we are slaves to our sex drives. I could see a good book being written on this subject.

"If you're naughty go to your room, if you want to be naughty, go to mine"

Wouldn't it be great if people didn't look in the mirror? If people could just act as they are and not think about what it looked like. That would be amazing. Who invented mirrors anyway?

My stomach feels very unsettled today. I just want to listen to Less Than Jake. That's all I want.

"Silence propogates itself. The longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything else to say" -Samuel Jackson

3.20.02. It's Wednesday and I haven't heard from him. No email or anything. Come on, who was I kidding. What did I expect. I don't know. I've been pretty busy so it doesn't bother me too much but there are a few moments when I'm thinking about him...what is he thinking? It's always like this..I'm so tired of these stupid guessing games. I really don't know what the solution is. I mean we like each other but we don't really want a relationship...Right?

"In the very instant that I worship you, the memory of my unhappy days comes to mind and weeping says: who burns well loves well, which I do. Though how all this I shield construe"

3.22.02. If nothing happens in a couple years I'm up and moving to Florida. I am, this time I swear. I'm over Aaron. I don't know what I ever saw in him. He's really akward and stupid. That's how some crushes are...phases. They come and go. One day you just snap back into reality. But then there's some people..where your feelings are so deeply rooted that it's not like you wake up and think that was silly. Because it's not. It's real... In my 20 years on earth I have only met one person who I feel this way about. One. And where is he right now? In Florida. I miss him.

I just want to be a mom, a wife, have kids and give them the amazing childhood I had. Oh and to have a dog.

"If only...you could see into me..' -Sade

Anything

2.25.02.
"This girl looks like she might not be boring" -Dany Sloan's first impression of me.

I'm Robin Pollard and I really feel like life is a rollercoster. I feel crazed. Sometimes I will go to great lengths to win approval. Last night I begged Dany to take me to Shampoo because Aaron was going. What's wrong with me?! It's not like he even wants to see me.

Geez, anyway what I really want to talk about is how there's this moment inside where we decide to let someone in. It's like this little doorway we keep closed but there's a few people we open the door for. We let them pass through that place of insecurity, of fear. We say to ourselves, I'm going to let this person in and hopefully they'll accept me. It's really weird how that works.

"Long nights, hard times, everything that makes you feel tired, I think I gotta get away from you" -Piebald

Who cares? I don't care. I have enough baggage to sort through to have to carry somebody else's.

Ew this guy at my work, he's like 30, and he asked me if I ever wanted to hang out. I'm like um child molester much. Damn.

"Everyone falls in love sometime, I don't know bout you but it ain't a crime"

3.1.02. Okay, it's March 1st and this is what I've been thinking. I've heard people say that a person has made them feel a certain way but then I've talked to the person and they're like 'what?! I never tried to make them think that' So maybe it's not some love force afterall, maybe it's just in people's minds. For example, this guy Dan in my dorm likes Nicole, my roommate and he tells me how she just makes him feel special and how they have really great conversation and all this stuff but she's like 'What?! Ew I never tried to give him any signals'. So it's like...maybe when you think there's just 'something' about someone...maybe it's all you and what you want and the other person isn't trying at all and could be pretty clueless about how you feel. Wow. Weird.

Dude-it's Spring Break!!

Flowers

Flowers from my love!
Blessing from above?
Symbol in disguise..
Breathing in their scent, I close my eyes

Momentary bliss,
Holding out for another kiss
Wishing for much more
Wondering what for

Red and purple, white and pink
I replenish the water from my kitchen sink
Positioning the vase by my bed
So thoughts of you always fill my head

Memorizing the card so I can read again at will
I hold my breath as you say words I don't want to hear
And they remain very still
Uprooted from the ground and now unable to grow
In bloom as fleetingly as our love
Flowers

written 3.3.08

Losing Again

You are so non-sequiter
The way you do and don't do things
Always leaving me puzzled
But only sometimes in a good way

Chasing after this for way too long
Though finally wise enough to know
It shouldn't happen
I've been burned before
And the emotional distress I'm facing now and we're not even together should be warning sign enough

'Contents not suitable for consumption'
Is a phrase that comes to mind
The sad part is that we are compatible
But those scars we've acquired along the path will hold us back
In all the ways that matter

They always do

written 2.15.08

A Bad Year

Betrayal

I should have seen it coming...all things considered, but I didn't. I wanted to believe that things would work out between us. But then I learned that it wasn't anyone's fault. We were just as different as any two people could be. I just wanted to be happy and in love. I didn't know how bad things could get or when to walk away. I call it my weird phase. I detached from everything but you.
I look back in disbelief, was that really me? How could I have been so blind, so naive, so stupid? So much pain, so many tears. And it wasn't worth it. Because look what I got in the end. I trusted you so much. How will I ever be able to trust anyone again...if you did it...and it was so agaisnt your morals, everything you stood for. I don't understand. I don't know how I got through the summer. Things kept getting worse... each day something more would surface. I was just walking numbness. There was no relief. Sleepless nights and days I thought would never end. There wasn't anyone who could comfort me. I just wanted you to feel the pain that I did. That was the bottom. All loss of hope, complete despair. That is where you left me. And the anger I felt...it was so strong, it tried to break me. I rarely get angry...somehow though, I got through it. I got over it. I still can't think about it too much. I try to erase from my memory all those bad times. I'm okay now. I really am. You won't believe me, but I can forgive you. I need to. It's part of the strength I've found. I'm sorry you say you can't forgive yourself.

written 1.10.02

Twilight

1.18.02. I'm scared. What if my brother is the successful one and I'm the screw up sister who made all the wrong decisions and ends up with an abusive husband on welfare. How can anyone tell me to sit back and relax when the entire future existance of Robin Pollard is in my hands. Every move is critical. Every moment counts.

"Meet every situation, head on" -Psyhic TV

3.31.02. Happy Easter! Next week is Daylight Savings - yayy! I'm obsessed with the TV show Roswell. It's the best show ever. It's like my life. I'm Liz Parker.

David called me the other day and asked if we could go out sometime. I said 'yeah, I dunno.' He caught me off guard. But today Lana said I should date him. She said older guys know how to treat a girl, they are mature, they take you out... we'll see.

"Girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked to but if you push the wrong button, you'll be disconnected"

Road to Nowhere

I can't get over you
There's nothing else for me to do
I've tried every way I know
To make you love me but you - don't

I've made myself sick
I've had so much hope
I'd drop anything if you called
Maybe I should move far away
And then I wouldn't think about you Everyday

What's there left for me to do?
I can't stop believing I'm gonna marry you
I know you're thinking nothing of the sort
And my last name will never change to

When I'm with you I can't turn away from your gaze
Everything you say matters to me
How can you not feel it too?
In case you didn't realize
I'm head over heals for you


written 1.10.02

My So-Called Life

3.11.02. I am starting to hate work more and more everyday even though there's nowhere else I'd rather work and even though I love my major, there's no job I really want. I'm so pissed that I can't be a rock star singer. That's the life I want to lead. That's all I want to do.

"Don't dream it, be it" -Rocky Horror Picture Show

I'm writing my mom a letter for her birthday about memoirs I have of her and it made me get all sad thinking about how maybe my intense lonliness comes from missing her from my life.

I feel really ugly and fat today. I don't want to be seen. I am so sick of feeling down. Sick of trying to have hope. I'm sick of Aaron avoiding me. It hurts so bad. I guess if I want to write I should try to get some of my stuff published. But see I'm so unmotivated. I'm so lazy. Maybe I should minor in Marketing...I don't even care. It's really nice out today. I don't want to work, I just want to move to Florida where I should be right now and be happy. Instead I'm miserable.

"All our knowledge has it's origins in our perceptions" -DaVinci

I'm so jealous of Jill. I just want to be near her. I miss her essence. She is so positive, she knows how to let go and enjoy life. She says she's happy about moving to Ohio. Why can't something really good happen to me? Why am I always playing this victim...I drown myself in sorrows. I listen to this music I love but it's not good all the time. I was all ready to sleep in today but the freakin fire alarm went off. Geeez. I also feel I've become a slave to AIM. It's pathetic. It's an addiction I should really break. There's more to life than waiting around for stupid people. Why do I do this? I need to just DO things. To hell with people who don't care...sniff. I want to cry but I don't remember how.

"There is something about holding onto things that I find therapeutic" -Edna O'Brien

3.22.02. I'm so stressed out. I can't even begin to say. I'm worried that I'm not going to pass two of my classes and the one, it's my second time taking it. What if I have to drop out of my major..or out of school? When I do try to study and do work, I can't concentrate. I get so distracted. The stuff we're learning about sucks. It's boring.

"We look too much to museums. The sun coming up in the morning is enough" - Romche Bearden

Everything is happening before my eyes. Everything is going too fast. I can't control it. I'm going to die soon and everyone will forget about me. I need to do something great. I need to make a difference. I need to have a baby. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever fall in love again..

"And sundials, what good are sundials, once the sun is gone?" -Alkaline Trio

I mean I'm 'in love' right now but...I can't have it. Because it's too perfect and happy endings don't exist in this life. I'm sick of fighting it though, my feelings for him. I'm sick of telling myself I don't care when I do more than anything. Why. Why. Why. Can't we always speak our minds...our feelings. Even writing this out doesn't seem to release all this energy. I'm so torn in so many ways. When will I get to travel? I have to take a class this summer...I have to see my brother. I have to appreciate my parents. I'm losing out and I'm living on memories and I don't like it. There are so many books at my work that I want to read. There are so many movies I want to see. There's so many paths I could take but I'm not. There's not enough time. I hate feeling this way. Overwhelmed. If I can't be with Brad then will my feelings ever fade? Will I ever fall out of love with him? Please God, make it stop, make me forget. The pain is killing me. Why is school so fucking hard? Am I stupid? Why are all careers so competative? Will I ever make anything out of myself? When will I write songs? Design greeting cards? Make up a board game? When will I have time? I need a routine other than chaos.

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap" -Carrie Snow

Reprise

3.9.02. I could live in song lyrics. I could be the music. I wouldn't let you sing along.

"My hands are small I know but they're not yours, they are my own" -Jewel

I think the one thing I'll miss most about my life is the people. The relationships. That is what really makes life worth living. The people you love. The people who make you laugh. The smiles. The people who touch your life in one way or another even if it's only for a short while. And the memories that stay with you forever. Even though I get so upset and frustrated with people so much of the time...I've been realizing how lucky I am.

"Celebrate Every Gorgeous Moment!" - SARK

When I'm around Randy and Lana so much hope is brought to life. The way they love each other, the display of affection and success in finding each other and their lives together makes me so happy. And even my parents. The daily struggle they face and yet I can still see a sense of humor and a lightness in their relationship. Love is true, love is real and love is everlasting. I have proof. And if I never find it myself, I've had a dandy time living vicariously through the people that are so dear to me. Seeing my grandfather this past week...just gave me energy. I care so deeply about my family.

Oh how I love this earth, this life, this body...I fear being separated from this world, and those I love. I put on make up to make my appearance more attractive...I do things to my hair. I wear the right clothes. But what if I got a disease that made my body lose its functions and everything was beyond my control, then...it would seem to shallow that I ever did any of these things. It would be like 'I can't believe I spent time trying to cover up that zit instead of really living life'.

"And she's buying a stairway to heaven" -Led Zepplin

I really don't want to die. I'm just going to take things one day at a time. I'm making a list of things I want to do in case I find out that my time is up. Okay, I need to stop being morbid. I love everyone. Goodnight.

"I have no regrets, there's nothing to forget
All the pain was worth it
Not running from my past
I try to do what's best
Know that I deserve it"
-Madonna

College Crush

You kissed me and then you left my life
You kissed me...oh wouldn't it be nice, if you hung around
What did I do? Or was it that I simply wasn't good enough for you?

I sit in my room and watch the time tick by
It's funny but I can't even let a tear fall from my eye
Your room is only a couple footsteps away
Should I bother you, I wouldn't know what to say

I like your smile, maybe I could sit next to you for awhile
Where did you go? Your hand was in mine but then it left
Without even telling me so
Now I am sad and I'm feeling more alone than I did before I knew you existed so close to me

If you brought another girl home I'd eat my paper and I'd spit it in your face

written February 2001

Depressing Thoughts

2.26.02. I am really sick of trying with boys. I'm sick of illusions. Nothing matters. Dude, there was a time in my life when it wasn't like this. A short period of time. When I could just play. Childhood. There were conflicts but they worked themselves out. It's only now because I try and control them, that they pain me. There's a price to pay for knowledge. It costs me a hell of a lot it seems.

"Razors pain you
Rivers damp you
Acid stains you
And drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful,
You might as well live"
-Dorothy Parker

I don't even want anything anymore. Wanting is bad. You can't make life the way you want it no matter what you do - society is going to stay the same - culture, ideals, tradition. Nothing will ever change the people around you - they will all continue to be the same, coming, going, coming, going. Nature will not change, people you love will get sick and die. You too. So really, why try and live a happy life or find ideals that are right for you when it's really the bigger picture that matters and all that is beyond your control?

I don't want to go forward, only back. But I can't. There's nothing the future could offer me that'd be better than what I've already had. Depression. It's not always chemical. I want to leave this world. I don't want kids. I guess I have no purpose. I'm too lazy for work, I'm too partial to familiarity to do what I really want. I'm too screwed up by my ex boyfriend to ever believe in myself. I'm sorry. I don't know who I was supposed to be. But it couldn't have been the mess that I've amounted to. I don't want to be at school or at home. I don't care. I honestly don't. I chase things that aren't good for me. Ignoring the real things that matter. I expect people to be perfect when I'm not even close.

"Travel, Trouble, Music, Art.
A Kiss, A Frock, a Rhyme.
I never said they feed my heart,
But still they pass my time."
-Dorothy Parker

Fears

1.28.03. I can't sleep. Journal, as happy as I am here in Florida, I'm also very sad. I feel so incomplete and alone inside. I just keep thinking that August is so far away and wondering if I can make it. What is real right now? I miss Zan. God, my worst quality is my emotional attachment to things and even though I can recoginze it, I can't seem to shake it.

"Don't take life too seriously. It's only temporary" -Bill Knapp

I want romance - mushiness - someone to snuggle up to at night - someone to be comfortable with.

I want to dye my hair blonde. I feel stumpy and old womanish in my uniform. I feel sort of pathetic for trying to keep in touch with people from home. I never get back even half of my efforts. Watching the coverage of the space shuttle that exploded today just desperately made me want to have a family - a husband, all that. I want to be deeply loved and cradled in safe arms.

"Choice, not chance determines your destiny"

It's so hard to know that my struggles are continuous ones and all those 'moments' that I live for will in time pass. Am I really such a fool for wanting to hold on? It just feels so hard to be me sometimes. I don't want to be mean behind Melissa's back but it's so much easier to go along with the other girls when they giggle and say mean things. "You must BE the change you wish to see in the world" Yes, this is true. I want to live it. God, grant me the strength to be a good person today, to make a difference in this soup bowl of a world. Amen.

"I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they passed." - The Counting Crows

Goodbyes

1.17.03. Last night was wonderful. Sean took me to Cosi because that's where we had our first date. And there was hardly anyone there because it was snowing. Just like I always envisioned, being 'cosey' at Cosi in the snow! I told Sean how much I would miss him and he said that I'm not like most girls. "What do you mean?" "You're not a typical girl, you're different. You are much cooler. You're very special." Aw. This made me feel wonderful. Then he said he would miss me too and that he has a new theory. The '3 month rule'. Don't go out with a girl for any longer or else he'll get attached. And he doesn't want to do that because his plan is to move to California and if he fell in love then he'd probably stay. I tried to tell him to 'feel' anyway and love for the experience is to be had along the way. He giggled at my advice but I think he enjoyed my attempt to convert his viewpoints.

"If I could keep a star for everytime you made me smile, the entire sky would be mine"

Later we watched Tomcats which was really funny. The movie said something about 'love' being when you care more about someone then you care about yourself. I don't know about that. After that he started telling me about how he doesn't have any hobbies. He was like 'You like to read and write, snowboard, ice skate, you like music....I'm just not that interested in anything'. I reminded him of his love for sports but he said that's more of a spectator thing. He sounded kind of down on himself. I felt bad. He was like 'You are so lucky, you're going to Florida". I feel bad, I'm realizing a lot of people might be jealous of this opportunity. I feel pressured to like it. Did I mention that Sean said dating me has been an education? A positive one though, he said. Lol. I'm so glad he came into my life because he left me with an open mind. He liked me for me. Made me less concerned with thinking there's something wrong with me. He saw me in the way I want to be seen. I think we kind of brought out the best in each other and that's pretty special.

"Seeing me, meeting me and knowing me are three different things" -Z. Hanson

Daydreams

1.12.03. I've been taking so much shit from other people about my whole Florida adventure. "You're going to hate working 40 hrs a week!" "You'll be back by May." "That has nothing to do with your major". "I can't believe they're only going to pay you $6/hr". "They'll work you like a slave". I hate this feeling of uncertainty - of trying to hold my ground and be enthustiastic while everyone around me is trying to pull me down it seems. I just want to be in Florida. Don't you understand? The sunshine will warm my soul. The water will calm my troubles. The sand will ... I'm already gone. I don't even want to bother with goodbyes. I just want to get there. Here - I feel sick in this skin. I feel like this place is diseased. I feel like no one believes me when I say I'm going to live there forever. An island. I can do it. It's surely better than here. These people, they aren't doing anything for me. I need inspiration. I need coconut water and pelicans swooping. I need sunset walks in cool sand and coastal adventures. I need to grow up. But still remain me. I need to be careful though. I'm not invincible. It's so cold here. I feel it to my bones. I want to wade in clear blue gulf and swim with dolphins deep. I'm beginning to wonder if 6 mths will be enough for all I want to do and see. I can't imagine how depressing it will feel to come back here. I don't know if I can bear it because it will be the beginning of a new cold cycle. Can I really stay though? That seems awful selfish of me.

I might go snowboarding with Matt tomorrow. I'd like to go once this year.

"You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, cause you might not get there"

I wonder how Jill's making out in London.

I picked up Jen today from Jeff's. 'She's a little runaway'. Haha.

Idea: Have an adobe house in New Mexico. Near Los Cruzus.

"Maybe we're the Aliens"

I want to get more into Science. Space. Astronomy. Astrology. The moon and stars and planets fascinate me immensely. I wish I lived near one of those planetariam things like in Roswell and K-Pax. Those space dome-like things where you can stargaze endlessly. I would never want to actually go into space but to explore it from our planet is extraordinary itself.

"Do what you can with what you have where you are" -Theodore Roosevelt

How to gather information about the essentials to get through this life. I want to interview people and give a mass survey about how people really feel about the quality of their lives.

I'm sure glad I won't be working at Video Update anymore. It really sucks. I loathe the sound of tapes dropping through the return slot.

Mmm. So I'm just sort of waiting. For the time in my life when I come into my own essence. Like when you succeed only because you followed your own path and no one else's. When you are original and it works. I keep seeing all these 'stars bloom' like on MTV and stuff and I'm wondering if I will ever find that inner spark.

It's like how Sabrina says in Spilling Open, the books are already written inside of me and will one day emerge...

I would love to enroll in some writing workshops.

"The true secret of life is to find peace in yourself and to share it with the world"

It feels good not to be in some twit-tot about a boy. I mean all I am is open to possibility.

Homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, mmm.

Why do I feel like I need approval and praise for my work? Can't my own appreciation be enough?

Why do I feel such a strong need to express and get my ideas out there when at the same time I feel like there's isn't a place for my views. They just don't fit in. I'm standing alone here!

"I don't know what the key to success is but the key to failure is trying to please everybody" -Bill Cosby

Breaking Up

1.1.03. Happy 2003! Let's Rock. Half of this year will be spent in the warm blissful and sunny state of Florida. For that, I am excited! Last night was one hell of a New Years. The best I have had actually. The only bad part was that Sean and I kind of broke up. He told me that he is afraid I'm going to get hurt when I leave. He's like "I don't do long distance relationships." I told him I knew all this coming into it so it's not his problem. Then he's like 'I can see you falling in
L-O-V-E' because I show my emotions and he's not ready to show his and isn't ready for commitment. I was like well then this must be ideal for you since I'm leaving. He was like 'See I told you I was a mean asshole' and I was like 'No, thank you for being honest with me'. I told him that things are great between us and that we're both going to get hurt when I leave to whatever degree but it doesn't mean we should stop hanging out because of it.

Really, Sean is great. He is exactly what I feel I needed to experience. He makes me less afraid to go away and let go of things because I realize I can love another person. That I can have another relationship with someone. A good one none-the-less! He makes me feel confident enough to truly walk away from the stuff I've been dealing with here. I wonder what I must be for him.

Zane came in the room and I told him how Sean likes me but can't be with me because of 'emotional issues' and Zane said 'No, Sean's just a big teddy bear! Deep down. Right. Sean was laughing the whole time.

"Where were we?" he asked when Zane left. "You were breaking my heart?" I offered. "Oh right! See no, I feel really bad because I shouldn't have it to break. I hate hurting people, espeically someone as good as you". Well it's weird because yes he is hurting me but it's also a relief because I've been through much worse. It's not so bad you know. Maybe that's a good sign. I think I can handle anything.

He was telling me about his issues, "So you don't want to get attached to anything because you can't deal with those feelings yet?" "Exactly" he said. Oh Lord, the story of every guy... 'Hey, I'm a brick wall and it's taken years of practice to achieve that'. Grrr. I hate this line. How do they do it?? I don't understand. I want to try but it'd be so not me.

Like Maria said in that Roswell episode "Me? I'm teflon babe. A guy starts to act like a jerk and I just walk away". Right....

Sigh. I just love the whole experience of dating people. You really find out what you like/need/etc. I can't not be emotional/expressive. We're supposed to be Dammit! It's a good thing. Why do boys hide, cover up, run away? Look at me like I'm a freak! Feelings aren't fun unless you get to share them..

"Cheer up my friends all say, you're better alone anyway" -New Found Glory

Places I want to work
1) Somewhere with animals
2) Hotel
3) Airport
4) Publication place, writers, magazine

1.5.03. Red is the color of my feelings today. I think I L-U.. L-O.. Lust Sean a lot. Sigh. I don't want to go away now. I want to take him along. I want him to be here waiting when I get home.

It's nice to feel this way again with someone normal. NORMAL!

"As women, we deserve to be fully met, deeply loved and equally at play in the process of loving" -SARK

Gosh I am leaving so soon. It feels like I'm dying in one place and going to be reborn somewhere else. I've never experienced anything like this before. It's so strange.

"We must be open to adventure - seek it out, ask questions, dare to talk to strangers" -Unknown

I've been thinking about the person I marry... that they should be a deep true friend. Strip away that whole sex appeal and games and it would have to be someone who just downright cares and wants to be with you for you. All of you. Through time. It's a long haul. I want to love better. I don't feel good at it right now. They would also have to be someone who is not terribly needy. At first they would be your center, encompass everything but that phase would pass and they'd have to be good at sort of being in the background while I realize the rest of my dreams and work on the other aspects of my life. I mean there has to be this really good balance because with some people, they might start to feel neglected at this point and look for love elsewhere. This person would have to be self-reliant and confident and have an enormous amount of faith and trust in the 'Us-ness'.

I have a headache. They've been coming rather frequently. Maybe I'm mentally stressed. I think I'm getting sick. What if something is really wrong with me?

"You don't have to be a famous person just to make your mark" -Gwen

1.9.03. Causeway to Emotion. Do you like it? It's what I want to call my first book. Or maybe more like I Can't Deal with the Real. Lol.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tunes without words and never stops at all" -Emily Dickenson