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7.22.02. I LOVE YOU JOURNAL. You don't judge me or cause me to feel insecure because you don't react. God, everyday the same thoughts play over and over in my head. How quickly people come and go. The only real friendships I have are the ones with people I've known nearly my whole life. There's that stupid air conditioner again... Oh...the Bahamas seems so far away. A place where I can go to free my mind. Live my life to the fullest. What will it take to put me back on that boat again?

"Stop whispering, stop shouting" - Radiohead

Sometimes when I talk to my friends I end up saying the meanest things which is totally not what I want to say but somehow it just happens. I don't like to gossip, please know journal that is not what I'm about. I so wish Randy and Lana lived nearby. I could just go over there and feel like I really had a family.

I wish I could be out with someone, sweating, exercising, really working out - I think it'd be a good stress relief but you're all I've got journal. All the things I've left behind in life and yet it still goes on... I'm better off but it still amazes me. It feels so strange, that missing peice. Janine told me last night that Mark doesn't want a relationship with me. Gee....thanks. I hate rejection. It's horrible. I hate having these two-week dating deals with people. I want a boyfriend again. Security. Comfort.

I mean come to think of it, Mark's really not that great. Dude why would I even settle for that. Shit, I don't know. And it's not even like rejection from him, it's more Janine and how I could sense she didn't want me involved with him in the first place. Whatever, fuck Mark and fuck Andrew for still wanting to be with me when all I do is treat him like crap.

"It's your own life, live it for yourself" - New Found Glory

Joy just called me. She wants to go out tonight. Not looking forward to it but I agreed anyway...b/c I'd want someone to do the same for me if I was in her position. It'll probably be good for both of us, a little ride to Philly, maybe a new diner experience. Oh I can't wait to be 21 for real. Plus, it's unusal for me to get ahold of Joy anyway so it's probably good that I agreed. It's weird though when someone calls you and they just plain out state their purpose. I mean she didn't even say how are you, as soon as I answered it was like 'Hey-what are you doing tonight?'

"Did you take the time, to really discover, how little, we know about each other?" - LTJ

I got SARK to sign my journal and it was awesome. In the beginning of the workshop, there were these nametags with words on them. You had to pick one that you felt described you. I chose the one that said 'Giver'. SARK read it when she greeted me and signed my journal 'To Robin, the Receiver'. Pretty cool.

Unfolding

6.27.02. There are so many movies to watch. So many books to read. People to meet. So much perspective to gain. I'm in NYC sitting in a cafe. Soon I am going to see SARK. I can't wait. Even if I don't get to talk to her personally - just being in the same room with her so I can feel her energy will be awesome enough.

It's raining in New York. Why didn't I bring an umbrella.

Statements are so much better than questions. Questions deserve answers.

My dad said something really sweet today. He met me in KOP and gave me a map of NYC. He was like 'You're a lot braver than me kid.' Wow. That was a compliment because I always think of my dad as fearless. Anyway, going to the city alone isn't really scary. Nothing is. You just have to break it down. Instead of freaking out I just think well I'll do this and then when I get there I'll do this and one thing at a time. Anything is possible with the right attitude.

"I try to think about rainbows
When it gets bad
You got to think about something
To keep from going mad"
-No Doubt

4.9.02. I'm feeling really scared and alone right now and I have no one to express these feelings to but you. I am supposed to go to Planned Parenthood on Monday for my annual. What if I have a disease? I can't believe I always get so worried but I can't help it. You just can't trust anyone. I don't want to die right now. I just want the hope of life. I want to live to be 70. Gray hair. Wrinkles. Grandkids. I want it. Oh so badly.

I haven't been doing my radio show lately. It's funny how I lost interest before it even began.

I missed Randy's birthday party and I can tell he was really bothered by it.

Dad announced his plan tonight. He says he's going to retire next year and take care of mom and move to South Jersey so they can be close to their families. He's going to look for a nursing home around there just in case... so he wants me to find an apartment for next summer and a roommate. I think I can handle that.

7.30.02. I really want school to start again. I need to be learning. I need something to focus on.

My summer class kicks ass though. My teacher is this lesbian chick. I'm taking a Women's Studies class and it's soo interesting. We have these heated discussions about feminisim and stuff. We do these journals 2x a week and Jen (teacher) wrote really nice comments on mine. I couldn't believe she took so much time to comment. It's like she really read it and got to know me - through my writing. She didn't just critque it like a know-it-all. I really hope to get more positive feedback.

"I'm not an addict it's cool, I feel alive, if you don't have it you're on the other side" -K's Choice

7.22.02. Journal, I'm full of hatred today. I hate all human contact, it's just me against the world. I had training today at Gernardis. I hate how intimidated I feel, being the new girl, feeling everyone's eyes follow me around, trying to see what I'm all about. So much judgement. Everywhere. The guy who hired me asked 'So, why'd you come to this Gernardi's and not the one in Goshen?' To me, that's a personal question. 'Uh...it's not that far from my house' I stuttered. If I told him the truth he would judge me. I've been listening to Eniemen today and he just totally inspires me to lash out about everything that's been pissing me off. I wanna write mean songs about people, I think I'd be good at it. That's the thing though about me and my anger. It's so fleeting. It never lasts for more than a few minutes. I often feel sad but I seldom ever feel angry. I wonder what that's about. Sometimes I wish I could embrace it more.

I seriously feel like the worst communicator on the planet. Like I totally failed Interpersonal Comm. or something. I wish all my interactions could be via the internet or through letters. I have a much stronger voice through writing.

"I have no regrets, there's nothing to forget, all the pain was worth it. Not running from my past, I try to do what's best. Know that I deserve it" - Madonna

Dad brought up a good point tonight. He said 'You care so much about eating healthy but then you put all this hair dye crap on your scalp which goes right into your brain.' Ah, the man has a point. Perhaps I will take that into consideration from now on. I'm really mad at him though right now. He flipped out at me because he thought I lost some files on the computer which totally wasn't true. He started yelling at me which I HATE so I walked out of the room and told him that he's an asshole. No way is he going to take out his personal problems on me. Why can I always stand up to my dad but no other man in my life?

Seriously, my dad sucks right now. He doesn't give anyone in my family emotional support. He never has - I don't think he has it in him, well okay I know he does but I think he's turned it off as a survival skill. I hate that line of thinking. Why should I give him anything in return? My mom's in the psychiatric ward right now, how am I supposed to look in the mirror and love myself when I see a combination of two people that I despise the most in my life? Sure my dad provided for his family, he made good money but who cares? He wasn't a role model to his kids or a kind and loving husband. And my mom could never assert herself. The way I see it, she may as well have just sat under the quiet wing of my father, popped out two kids and pretended she was happy. God. Life is so so hard. So lost and alone in my own struggles....Jen says I can bring the kitty home soon. I won't get my hopes up til its safe in my arms though.

"Many miles, many roads I have traveled, fallen down along the way. Many year, many hearts have unraveled, leading up to today" - Madonna

Ponderings

8.17.00. Writing, my favorite escape, my greatest release. The only thing that really listens - my paper.

"Why am I waiting for you, to see I'm alive?" - Jets to Brazil

12.29.00. Love is definately the strongest feeling I've ever experienced. It makes you do the stupidest things.

12.25.00. I'm lonely this Christmas. My brother and Lana are so happy and in love. They are perfect for each other. I'm jealous. I like being with them a lot though. I want to learn Portuguese. So I think I have this yearning somewhere in my heart to get married and have a family. Sigh. So far from what I thought my life would be but I really do want that whole perfect family bit. I want to be warm and happy. I need to find a nice boy who doesn't have 'problems'. I need a boy with ambitution in life.

"I have woven a parachute out of everything broken" - William Stafford

2.12.01. I'm reading this awesome book called Memoirs of a Geisha. It's strange, the girl really has it bad for this man and she spends all her time thinking about him and how one day they might be together even though he shows no real interest in her. She works solely towards the goal of reaching him. Then one day she realizes she might never get to be with him. This is a very sad realization for her and somehow it seems to apply to my own life. I'm going to copy a passage from it.

"I'd been only looking for a sign about the chairman. From this experience I understood the danger of focusing only on what isn't there. What if I came to the end of my life and realized that I'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never really tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen the places I'd been because I'd thought of nothing but the chairman even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet, if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give."

Wow, that's so sad.

"If you feel unloved, look to yourself for love. Whatever the issues are, ultimately self love and acceptance are the answers."

2.14.01. So it's Valentine's day. It's raining out. Blah. Jen from down the hall gave me a valentine. I hate when people you KNOW don't like you, do that shit. Gag me.

2.15.01. Oh my God. I want to have sex. (That's my vagina talking.) The clitoris has 8,000 nerves in it. That's twice as much as the penis. It's a pure pleasure organ. I want to work at Planned Parenthood. There's a new Madonna CD out called Music. There is a really awesome song called 'What it feels like for a girl.' Here's the dialogue from it:

"Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short. Wear shirts and boots. It's okay to look like a boy. But for you to dress like a girl would be degrading. Because you think that being a girl is degrading. But secretly, you'd love to know what it's like. What it feels like for a girl."

2.20.01. I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow. Nothing could be better. It will be a trip of self discovery and reflection. I need retreats like these. They keep my soul alive. I can't believe it's already Spring Break. I am almost done 1 year of college. I hate winter, more than anything.

"Fill your life with tiny and large adventurous moments" - SARK

12.7.01. Dear Journal, I am distraught. Lonely. Lost. The grim reality sets in. That I can't always reach the people I want in the ways I want to. This fact makes me feel powerless. A bug just died on my desk. I tried to help it.

Random Thoughts

9.15.99. The only time I can be free and truly be myself is when I write. I cannot express myself better in any other way than when my words are on paper. I cannot relate to anything better than things I read. All I want to do is write.

10.19.00. It's cold. Here, there, in every room I enter. Must get warm. Cover up, blankets, sweaters, fire. I'm shivering. Make me some hot chocolate. Better yet, just hold me. We'll get warm together. You, me, braving the cold.

"1 step forward, 2 steps back" - Good Riddence

12.00. I dreamed I was pregnant and I decided to have the baby but then I realized that I was in college and I'd still be when it was two years old. I wouldn't feel like dealing with it even though it was cute and stuff. So I put it up for adoption and I was fine with it. I had no attachment to it whatsoever. I was just like 'here, take it.'

10.29.99. I hate your talk of drugs. Fuck you for your dependent need for that shit. I'm so glad I know better than you. Reject me, I don't care. I reject everything.

"You non-conformists are all alike" - Unknown

9.27.99. We drove out to Lancaster yesteday. I love it out there. Open space, farmland, Amish people. I am so fascinated by their lifestyle. I wonder if they feel like they are in a timewarp or something when they see cars go by or hear modern music. Are they happy or are they just brainwashed into thinking they are happy? I felt like I was on Little House on the Prarie, my favorite childhood TV show brought to life.

"This is one of the conditions of life. That experience is not transmissable. No man will learn from the suffering of another, he must suffer it himself." -Coleridge

9.16.99. I saw Brad yesterday. I couldn't stop hugging him. I wanted to cry. He isn't in my life anymore. I hardley ever see or talk to him. Every inch of my body is frozen, I didn't want to get out of bed today. Nothing feels right. I don't feel anything at all really. Except when I hear my mom crying. Then I feel pain. My friends, I don't even want to talk to them. I don't want to be around anyone but myself. I don't want to share my writing with any of them because then they will know me, and I don't want them to think they know me.

9.23.99. Observations:

My dad talked to me last night - and sounded almost human.

This is the first time we broke up and I'm not crying.

"The recovery process begins, though the heartache still prevails."

I guess the truth is, I made him my whole life. I had my priorities all wrong.

"Sometimes life can be so harsh and cruel, one forgets what they can do to fix it."

3.8.00. Utopia:
A world where no one could think or make reference to the past, so it couldn't be kept alive. And no one could anticipate the future, so it couldn't be worried about. Day to day, we'd all just live. We probably wouldn't even realize we were alive because we'd have no concious thought about existance. We'd only experience it.

10th Grade

We returned to school in September as veterans at East
The smells of dirty bathrooms and the cafeteria stained with grease
Cheerleading took up most of our time
Tank tops were not to be worn, for it was deemed a crime

Robin broke the rule one day and got caught by Mr. Pat
In the hole she had to sit, the kid next to her was fat
We spent hours decorating for the homecoming dance
Joy went with a guy named Matt, Mike Pizii had no chance

Robin and Jason broke up on Thanksgiving
Depression and sadness were now part of living
Pollyana party at Pam's was lots of fun
But winter was dreary, we didn't see much sun

Snowboarding trips each Friday night
We also cheered for basketball and 'yo that was tight'
Many trips to the movies, we watched as Titanic sank
Jen developed a crush on a nice boy named Frank

Nick Lombardo took Robin to the winter formal
He forgot her crosage which she thought was rather abnormal
She also went on a ski trip to Vermont
And got on some seniors who were unbeliveably hot

In Spring we participated in the M.S. Walk
We met two guys, both named Nick and we started to talk
Finally the school year was coming to an end
We were excited that Summer was just around the bend

High school now was half complete
Let out of the freezing classrooms, free to enjoy the Summer's heat!

written 9.11.98

Freshman Year

So much happened in the 9th grade
I'll write it all down so the memory won't fade
On the first day of school we were unsure and afraid
In October we went to a Halloween parade

We had some fun and tried out for sports
We also faced rejection of all sorts
The pep ralleys and bonfire were really cheesy
Robin made friends with a guy named Mike Pizii

The winter concert was pretty cool
We talked to Jon Parsons and started to drool
On Wednesdays Robin ditched Study Hall
She went to Jill's lunch and they had a ball

We got acquainted with a brand new clique
Made connections with seniors who thought we were slick
And who could forget those ski trips to Blue
Where American Pie became a legend to you!

Then there were many a football game
And classes we thought were utterly lame
Shopping occasions at the mall
There was that time Jill did NOT hook up with Paul

Winter vacation spent at Jack Frost
New friends made and old friends lost
Working on the freshman float
For homecoming court, we were able to vote

The homecoming dance was kind of silly
But we all had a blast thanks to Billy
Also we had a winter formal dance
Where Fizz and Kelly Dacko ended their romance

How about that time we got a ride home from Matt
And Nick Lombardo, now that was phat!
We were on stage crew for the musical Grease
A guy named Sev Kessler got arrested by the police

Harley's class was fun and we sang
When walking by Eugene we said 'Hubba hubba Hwang!'
Another fine accomplishment was making friends with Kevin
And Rob Bradfield, can we say player - was very close to heaven

The best was when Matt Dionne played the part of Danny
And during the scene Mooning, we watched him shake his fanny
Even though we weren't together, Spring Break was lots of fun
When we came back we realized that the year was almost done

We went to NYC to see the King & I
When the seniors finally graduated, I almost started to cry
We began going once a week, to the YMCA
And then we found Maryland Avenue, where Matt and Joey play

Another cool thing we got to do was go to a concert in Philly
Jill's surprise party was lots of fun, by the end of the night we were silly
Spring soccer was phat cause we were on the same team
And we can't even tell ya about our little New Orleans scheme!

I can't believe the year is actually at its close
Not at all like this, if another path we had chose
Someday we'll look back and laugh in foolish sin
But it was the best time in our life, cause we were the Freshmen!

written in June 1997

Haiku Poems

Waiting impatiently
For affection
From you

Learning of your selfishness
My tolerance
Grows thin

Watching trains in Norristown
I think
What a waste of my time

Unappreciating my presence
I mirror
Your cold ways

Seeing a lady from church at Planned Parenthood
I think
God is with me

Sitting in Dr. Kimmey's office
My life's puzzle is unsolved
Peice by peice

Black monstrosity
Drooling pest
Reynolds cat

Shower running
Mirrors steamed
69ing in water

Cran-orange juice
Muggy kitchen
Summer at Bellingham

Roleta screen saver
Mattress on floor
Brad's house again

My crotch tingles
Through thoughts
Of You

We don't say
"I love you"
Anymore

Sharp pain
Shiny silver ring
Rites of passage

Steel 10G needle
Driving through skin
Happy 18th Birthday

Bodies entwined in passion
Static screeching nosie
Merzbow

Splattered paint on walls
Lying in your king-sized bed
I'm screaming inside

Anticipating an orgasm
The phone rings
During sex

Old buildings
Rotting industrial decay
You feel right at home

At the peak of my anger
You smile
I'm in love

I feel the sun's warmth
As we masterbate
In your grandmother's outdoor shower

Collecting seashells
on Cape Henlopen
Spending Labor Day with you

Winching in pain from menstural cramps
I breath a sigh
Of relief
written 9.3.99

Scars

Remember how we started out
Young, innocent, naive
You never forget your first love
Isn't that what they say?

Why did you bring me so much hurt?
Gazing back on 99'
I know I wasn't very smart
It was such a gamble
I didn't know you then
But I handed you my heart

Then you went astray
I was crushed and terribly broken
There was just no getting over it
I had to get away

Alienated, isolated from family and friends
A town I loved, an education
But my scars continued to be on constant display

I hope you're jerking off to my picture
And I hope you're really sorry
I wish I could spit on you for the pain you put me through
I remember it everyday
But now I'm better off, a thousand miles away

written 7.5.04

Iris

Summer days washed away
By Autumn tears that fall so fast to the ground
Awhile back we used to drive around all night
Watching stars from the swing on your porch
There was never too much time to say
How much we felt, in love

Crazy rain brought madness inside
Our relationship was now over
Closed up behind brick walls
Studying history and science
But really concentrating on the way you tasted
When you kissed me in the water

Jumping off rocks used to be so much fun
But now we just lay in silence
Taking for granted the pleasure in life
It's like lying in bed with a stranger
Longing just to hear you say you still care
Lowering myself to settle for something that never was even there
Why can't we go back to the fireworks?

written 11.98

The Girl Next Door

Do you remember
Many years ago
When we were young
How we used to play together
Every day?

It seems like yesterday
The childhood world of clowns
And cotton candy
Warm summer days
That never seemed to end

We would play hide-n-seek
From 4pm til dusk
Then sat on someone's stoop
Listening to the crickets

We'd catch lightning bugs
Talk about our dreams
About what we'd do when we grew up
Until our mothers called us in

Do you remember that one winter
When it snowed for days and days on end
We tried to build an igloo
Like the eskimos

Or when we swam in my pool
Around and around
Until we'd make a whirlpool
How about the time
We drew the beach on my driveway
With chalk
And pretended we were really there

The grand day when finally
The training wheels came off our bikes
We were free to explore the whole world in an afternoon
So long as we stayed on our own street

But those days passed quickly
And we grew bigger, as children do
Until we reached a day when we assumed
That we were too grown to play on the swings on summer nights

When I see you now
You've changed in ways I can't explain
You're like a rose that bloomed before its time
I see you pacing back and forth
From the window in my room

And when a car pulls up outside
You run downstairs and out the door
With a suitcase in each hand
The car speeds away
And the girl next door is gone

Still I long for those childhood days
When I stood on your laundry room stoop
Banged on your door
And bade you to come outside
To greet the afternoon's adventures

Allison, won't you come out and play once more?
For we are still so young...

written 9.98

Inner Strength

You needn't be burdened by trouble or fear
Whenever you need me, I'll always be here
You search far and near for a love of your own
Not bothering to notice the love that has grown

Inside of your heart, it's love for yourself
That's what makes you stronger than anybody else
You often feel confused about what you want and need
Spend time running in circles, causing your heart to needlessly bleed

Maybe the truth is you need to be free
And see all of the things you always wanted to see
We all live and learn both the good and the bad
There's always some who will be happy, and some who will be sad

You need to take time out to think and to listen
You'll know what to do, your inner voice will glisten
In order to find happiness, to yourself you must be true
Then you will succeed in everything you do.

written in 1996

Afterthoughts

Summer's almost over
What's left I cannot see
The scent of fresh cut grass is left
Inside of you and me

We live in this world, and feel many things
But we cannot escape
Someone give me wings
Trapped in this place
With streets that are paved in grey
Everything's a mistake
Or some kind of delay

written in 1996

Unable

Get up, walk around
You can do it if you try
Get up, please I'm begging you
I don't want to sit and watch you slowly die

It's been awhile since you last went out for a walk
Just as long as it's been since we had a real mother-daughter talk
Get up, you're strong, now take a stand
I'll be here if you need me, yes I will take your hand

Get up, I need you
You have so much to live for

written in 1996

Panda Bear

I can't look in your eyes anymore
You're just not the same as you were before
You think you are the greatest

I can't be something I'm not
It seems like right now you don't like me a lot
It's just who I am

No time for me, just a kid in your eyes
Brother, you'll see the yellow moon if you look hard enough
It's shining through this pitch black sky

There's a family here who loves you
A family that wants you to be near
But broken up by disease
I see your way

written in 1996

Yesterday

Yesterday I woke up and took an aspirin
I went out into the world
Something was callling my name
Suddenly I knew then and there
Life would never be the same

I walked down the hallway
I walked down the stairs
I opened the window
And threw out all my cares

I yelled and I hollered
I kicked and I screamed
But I knew in my heart
I would someday be redeemed

The hallway was winding
The stairs all pointed down
And love wasn't there
It would never be found

But someday I'll look back, down the long twisting hall
I'll knowingly smile about all the magnificant things I saw
And then I'll keep going for just awhile more
Til finally I'm tired, time to close the coffin door

written 6.7.97

Kiss my ass

So long, goodbye, you can go away and cry
It really doesn't matter to me
Take your flowers, take your notes
Take your black boots and your coat

I don't ever want to see your face
Your mind games make me ill
Your sick infactuation
I'd like to kill

You are not worthy of me
I'm not the one for you
Yet everyday you tell me you love me
What am I supposed to say if I don't feel the same?

Nothing you can do will make me like you
So long, goodbye, I bet you can't forget me
No matter how hard you try

Take your phone calls and your time
I will never again call you mine
Still you continue telling me you love me everyday
What the hell do you expect me to say?

written in 2001

No Name

A man claimed to be in love with a girl and yet he yelled at her as loud as thunder. She took him back a thousand times and he slapped her with words of anger and hatred. It kept building up inside of her until she realized that her good intentions were not enough. No one was ever going to fix her. No one was going to save her. The boy who had claimed he loved her not only let her drown, but it was he who pushed her in.

written in 2001

Reality

A girl had a dream. In the dream she was alive, she was happy and beautiful.She was loved for who she was. Then one day she woke up. She was alone on a concrete floor. Her heart was gone. There was nothing to keep her warm. The boy who had once loved her in her dream told her that she was no good to him anymore. He said that she had messed things up. She had nothing left to do. Because she was dead.

written in 2001

Short Poems

Shock wave
Ready for me?
Everyone warned you
You didn't listen
Now I will destroy you


Being alone
Really alone
Aching for your presence
Do you miss me?
Come visit me
Out of the blue
Unexpected surprise
Remember when we met
That was a year ago


Call me sweetheart
He calls me nothing at all
Remember the times
We ate ice cream and
Slept listlessly together


Let's go watch trains
Get all bundled up, it's cold out
High above a hawk soars
And searches for food
Have you ever thought about how much
Fun we have together? I love you

written in 1999

Wistful Thoughts

It's been so long since I've had time
To take a moment and really breathe
To smell fresh flowers or sweetly baked bread
To turn my head and feel the sun
Its rays shine down and comfort me
I feel the warmth, the heat, the light
Before I know it's turned to night
The world is moving much too fast
I have no time to read the story
What will I know when I am old
My memories are made of gold
So many people
So many years
I've heard you laugh
I've wiped your tears
We all take time to watch T.V.
But the important things
All pass us by

written in 2004

Small Things

We all need something to cling to
Most of us look for somebody to be
Well for once it'd be nice to hear someone say
'I'm just happy being me'
Trying so hard to get along in this world of inner rings
Often we don't stop and look at all the important little things
Like a pat on the back for winning a game
Or a smile when someone remembers your name
A cup of hot chocolate when you've been out in the cold
Or doing the dishes without being told
All of these things we take for granted

written in 2002

Disease

I reach out slowly to grab a hand, my mother's
She tells me what life is about
She teaches me things I wonder about

I trip and scratch my knee again
My mother holds my hand
Suddenly I'm on my own
Her comforting voice on the phone

I call her name, she comes to me
My mother gives me eyes to see
She's weakening, she cannot stand
And I'm not there to hold her hand

She crys in pain, but not too loud
She's going to heaven on a cloud
I see her face, she smiles still
I climb alone up to the hill
I reach out slowly to grab a hand, my mother's

written 2005

Passages

Time passed slowly when I was young
A year could have been a lifetime
Consumed with playing with friends and toys
Never occurred to me that one day it would be different
Now I am longing for the days of my childhood
Although I am barely past twenty

I wish I could hold life's clock in my hands
And pause it every now and again
My hours are counted and measured by money saved, spent, or earned
Even more time is spent on making plans, and then saving their delicious memories

As I watched the fireworks last night on the 4th of July
I realized that with every burst of color and speck, a precious moment
A second of time that is beautiful and wonderous but alas it will never pass again
Life is like that
Enjoy it while you can

written 7.5.04

Trouble in Bear-idise - 2.26.04 (freewriting children's narrative)

Brody T. Bear lived in TeddyBear Land. He was a young bear, almost 8 teddy years old. He loved going to cub school and learning about all the amazing things in the world. He was such a curious bear that he sometimes got into trouble. He liked helping his brother and sister bears gather honey.

One day while walking through the Berry Forest Brody saw a lovely butterfly. She had blue and orange colors on her wings that fluttered gently as she danced from plant to plant. Brody was fascinated. He followed her through the woods, so distracted by her beauty that he didn't notice a big hole a few feet ahead of him.

The next thing he knew, he was falling down a dark tunel and he landed in a pile of dirt. Oh no, he thought. What am I going to do? There didn't appear to be a way out. The hole was too deep for him to climb out of. Brody was scared. Soon it would be dark out and no one would be able to find him. Brody cried out 'Help, help!' but all he could hear was his echo. Maybe I can dig my way out, he thought. After about an hour it didn't seem like he was making any progress. Brody was tired and hungry. He ate the little bit of honey he'd collected earlier but it wasn't enough to satisfy the stomach of a growing bear.

Brody began to cry. He looked up at the sky as it was quickly becoming a darkened shade of blue. Then he thoughts he saw something orange flickering in the shadows. It looked like the butterfly he had seen earlier. 'Help!' Brody cried again waving his paws. She fluttered down slowly. Her voice was soft and kind. 'Are you trapped down here little bear?' 'Yes!' Brody replied. 'I'm so glad you found me. Do you think you could help me out?' 'Well, I myself cannot rescue you but I can fly to where your family is and tell them what has happened,' she said. 'Oh thank you, thank you Butterfly!' Brody exclaimed.

So the butterfly found his Mama and Papa Bear who were worried sick back in their cave. They gathered some of the strongest bears in TeddyBear Land and they went to the hole where Brody had fallen. They threw a rope down to pull him out. When Brody was safe at the top, he saw the butterfly again. 'Oh Butterfly, you have saved the day!' The butterfly smiled. 'Just promise me that next time you will pay more attention to the path in front of you okay Brody Bear? Keep looking straight ahead and you will never fall down again,' said the wise butterfly. 'Oh yes, Butterfly, I promise,' Brody said with a teddy bear grin.

written in 2004

I Miss You

Still a girl
I see you as
Small and fragile as can be
A fight we had a year ago
Now seems silly to me

A true friend wouldn't forget my birthday
I tell myself over again
A card, a note, an email even
Signed 'Love Always, Jen'

So I decided to hold a grudge
And let our friendship go astray
But now it seems you may be in trouble
Another friend told me so today

I'm beginning to wonder if there's something I can do
To set things right once more
Another month and I'll be home
Maybe I'll just show up at your door

Hopefully with one long look
We'll remember all that we've been through
I know you won't forget my birthday again
September is when your baby is due

written 3.30.04

Creative Writing Peice

"Carpe diem," he said to me
There is no other day like this one
Today we will celebrate life
Do cartwheels in the field
Ride the carousel at the park
We'll seize the day
And spend it like it's our last
We'll eat veggie dogs and ice cream cones
Until we're about to burst
We'll drive fast and with the windows down
And we'll shout the lyrics of our favorite songs

"Carpe diem," I said to him
Let's laugh like children do
We'll hang upside down on the monkey bars
And walk barefoot in the grass
There isn't any school today
No work or household chores
Today we're going to celebrate being alive
We'll ride horses along the beach
And catch fireflies at dusk
But then we'll set them free
So they too can continue
Being alive

written 3.18.04

Order poem (creative writing class peice)

Glimpse of the future

Me
A woman
On my own
Finding my way here
Adjusting to a new life
Homesick at times but not now
Wondering if I will graduate next spring
Hoping I can find a new job soon
He will be there no matter what happens though
Not sure if there is an extended future here for me
Quite sure I want to work on a cruise ship
Happy to go where it's nice and warm
Wishing that time wouldn't pass so fast
Knowing that someday I will die
This thought makes me sad
I cannot stop fate
Or change it
Can I?
Yes

written 2.13.04

Song Lyrics Exercise (from my creative writing class)

Step into a world
Where every thug needs a lady
I'm shaking at your touch
Don't dream it, be it
We are screaming inside, oh but we can't be heard

You are a raging sea, I pull myself out everyday
Feelings are intense, words are trivial
What good are sundials once the sun is gone?
I hope you dance
It's your life, live it for yourself

You see the colors in me like no one else
Don't make me want to give up
There is a castle on a cloud
My hands are small I know
They can only do harm

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care - right?
There's still time to change the road you're on
Weep not for the memories
Bastard love, a sick affair
You know I'm gonna be like you dad

written 2.26.02