Ponderings

8.17.00. Writing, my favorite escape, my greatest release. The only thing that really listens - my paper.

"Why am I waiting for you, to see I'm alive?" - Jets to Brazil

12.29.00. Love is definately the strongest feeling I've ever experienced. It makes you do the stupidest things.

12.25.00. I'm lonely this Christmas. My brother and Lana are so happy and in love. They are perfect for each other. I'm jealous. I like being with them a lot though. I want to learn Portuguese. So I think I have this yearning somewhere in my heart to get married and have a family. Sigh. So far from what I thought my life would be but I really do want that whole perfect family bit. I want to be warm and happy. I need to find a nice boy who doesn't have 'problems'. I need a boy with ambitution in life.

"I have woven a parachute out of everything broken" - William Stafford

2.12.01. I'm reading this awesome book called Memoirs of a Geisha. It's strange, the girl really has it bad for this man and she spends all her time thinking about him and how one day they might be together even though he shows no real interest in her. She works solely towards the goal of reaching him. Then one day she realizes she might never get to be with him. This is a very sad realization for her and somehow it seems to apply to my own life. I'm going to copy a passage from it.

"I'd been only looking for a sign about the chairman. From this experience I understood the danger of focusing only on what isn't there. What if I came to the end of my life and realized that I'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never really tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen the places I'd been because I'd thought of nothing but the chairman even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet, if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give."

Wow, that's so sad.

"If you feel unloved, look to yourself for love. Whatever the issues are, ultimately self love and acceptance are the answers."

2.14.01. So it's Valentine's day. It's raining out. Blah. Jen from down the hall gave me a valentine. I hate when people you KNOW don't like you, do that shit. Gag me.

2.15.01. Oh my God. I want to have sex. (That's my vagina talking.) The clitoris has 8,000 nerves in it. That's twice as much as the penis. It's a pure pleasure organ. I want to work at Planned Parenthood. There's a new Madonna CD out called Music. There is a really awesome song called 'What it feels like for a girl.' Here's the dialogue from it:

"Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short. Wear shirts and boots. It's okay to look like a boy. But for you to dress like a girl would be degrading. Because you think that being a girl is degrading. But secretly, you'd love to know what it's like. What it feels like for a girl."

2.20.01. I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow. Nothing could be better. It will be a trip of self discovery and reflection. I need retreats like these. They keep my soul alive. I can't believe it's already Spring Break. I am almost done 1 year of college. I hate winter, more than anything.

"Fill your life with tiny and large adventurous moments" - SARK

12.7.01. Dear Journal, I am distraught. Lonely. Lost. The grim reality sets in. That I can't always reach the people I want in the ways I want to. This fact makes me feel powerless. A bug just died on my desk. I tried to help it.