Last Night

3.11.08. Last night Shelly, Jolyon and I spontaneously went to Perkins at 10:30pm after we picked Shelly up from the airport. We went on a whim even though Jolyon had to get up at 4am to start a long drive to Texas, even though I was exhausted from an unbelievably stressful day at work and even though Shelly had just sat through a 3-hr flight and probably just wanted to get home and unpack. We went all the same, happy to be reunited and tripping over our words with laughter because everything just somehow seemed to be hysterical. We ate pie and pancakes and off each other's plates. Suddenly, I was free again.

I'm reminded of how much I need the occasional break from routine. Where you just put aside your responsibilities and act on your own free intention, and let one adventurous moment carry you into the next. Yes, these are the times that I live for.

After going around all day getting caught up in all the different roles we play in life, it's so nice to come back to the best part there is to play - just me. And being appreciated for that.

Good friends, good times, good food. Ah, life is good.

Current

3.8.08. I think all the feelings that take place inside of me on a daily basis are just beautiful. Living the experience, as raw and messy as it can be is truly joyful and elating. I can survive and I can overcome. I've learned that pain is temporary and that life is juicy even with it's pits.

I think I should write a musical, the next big broadway. Starring me.

"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens. Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance. And if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance" -LeeAnn Womack

I read this very witty book at the bookstore yesterday. It was called The 10 Women you will be before you're 35 by Alison James. It listed them as:

1) The New Graduate - Now what?
2) The Dollarless Diva - Cereal, tuna and a whole lotta debt
3) The WorkerBee - I can do it all baby
4) The Party Girl - Like, call me on my cell
5) The Body Conscious Babe - Vitamins and mineral water
6) The Chameleon - I'll have what he's having
7) The Crisis Chick - Junk food and sleep
8) The Wirl - Half Woman, Half Girl - Call me Ma'am and you'll die
9) Ms. Independence - Empress of the Universe
10) The True You

Movie to watch: The Last Kiss

"He who has health has hope. And he who has hope has everything" -Arabian Proverb

Peeved

Going to post some older entries here - 10.30.01. The other night Chris was saying how he wants to rule the world. I was thinking about it, and I don't have the desire for power like that. I mean who cares. What's right for me isn't right for everyone. If someone offered me a ton of power, I'd be like No Thanks. I just don't see what joy there is in power. Maybe that's not entirely true. I certainly wouldn't mind having the power of persusasion. Sometimes I feel so lucky to have been born here in America when I learn about so many cultures filled with poverty and suffering. Those people know no better, they are so innocent. Anyway...I feel inspired to write about the twin towers.

"Remember the Universe is watching. Do the right thing. Be kind."

When I saw the lobby we had walked through on T.V., it looked like the scenes from Titanic that were shot underwater. Those eerie ghostlike images of destruction. That's how it looked. And I was there. Not long ago when it was alive as I am. It's weird. It's like I'm mourning the loss of a building. I didn't know any of those people. But I mourn for my memory of the towers. The events of this summer were so strange. My random trip there, the skirt I wore...

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference"

11.4.01. Chris told me that he doesn't think I'm very social. He was like "I used to think you were the social one, now I think I'm more social than you". Whatever. I'm just in a funk. Ever since high school ended...and my best friends moved away. I feel like when I do talk to people, sometimes I come off as superficial. I don't want to take the time to get to know people. When I hung out with Jill I could talk to random people and just totally be myself and not give a shit what they thought but I don't really do that by myself. I feel sad, Jill's always busy at school and she doesn't write me or anything. She's having a great time and here I am - halfway through my second year of college thinking 'yeah it's not so great' I haven't met anyone I find super terrific and it sucks. I talked to Janine and she feels the same way.

Erin is cool but I'm sure she's frustrated with me. She's asked me twice to go to a show with her and I totally could have but I just feel lazy and think I'll feel uncomfortable and then be stuck there. Why can't I just go and be openminded? I expect other people to be spontaneous but I often can't bring myself to be.

"Fill your life with tiny and large adventurous moments"

I was telling Jill about my funk and she was like 'you need to let go of the past'. She said last year she was all about high school but then she realized it wasn't 'high school' that she loved, it was the people she experienced it with. Well what does that mean? Move on and forget about your old friends? My brother said he went through the same thing. He's like 'enjoy it while it lasts though, college is a lot more fun than real life'. Great.

"What do I have do to get through all of this? I'm writing it down..." -NFG

Dream Interruptration

10.23.01. A bunch of us went to Denny's after the All Else Failed show the other night. During the car ride Erin was telling me about all her relationships. I love talking to her because she is really good at expressing herself and I like that quality. When she tells stories, I never have to question what was going through her mind because she says exactly what she was feeling and thinking.

"Remember, the real luxury is in your interior"

I had a dream last night - me and Jill were in church and we just kept laughing like we used to when we'd be up there in choir or for confirmation class. Anyway...in my dream, Sister Janice was getting pissed at us and tried to separate us. I miss Jill. I think I was upset because we were being separated just like in real life. They were taking away the one person I could just laugh with and have soo much fun and putting me in a place all by myself. It sucks. I have sad dreams all the time about Jill and Ali. I guess it's really bothering me subconsciously that I can't have a best friend at hand all the time.

"I'm never too far away. I'm never too close behind" -New Found Glory


I feel like I suck at public speaking. I feel like it's all coming out wrong and no one cares what I have to say. I wonder where this lack of confidence comes from. I don't know how to make it go away. I have two more speeches to get through. I feel like I suck at emotion in school. Like I bring no life into my speeches.

I had to say something to Harris in Interpersonal Comm yesterday and I said it with such lack of emotion that he even commented about it. I felt really dumb, like I come across as removed and distancy in school for some reason. I don't know how to let my expression come through in front of my peers. What is my problem?

"Lying awake, it still feels like it's 89'" -LTJ

I'm thinking about Lana and how she's soo warm and friendly. I wish I could be like that. She has a way with people. I just like to observe life I think. I mean there's so much to be involved in but I don't feel like it. Maybe I'm just lazy or I think that interacting with people is conflict in itself.

"Let me give you some insight into my insides. I haven't been this confused, in such a long time" -LTJ

Stampedes

10.2.01. Did I ever mention how everything inspires me? I love my journals. I really do. They listen to me, wholeheartedly. Writing, my companion.

"And when I think of how I'm feeling right now, somehow I still remember how I felt four years ago" -LTJ

The country is officially at war now. I am really upset about it. I had nightmares last night. I dreamed that this girl I know was getting some dental surgery to fix her teeth but the anastesia would kill her afterwards. It didn't make any sense to me. Why do one thing to try and fix the problem when you would die and not even see the results? I think this dream was a metaphor for not understanding why the terrorists would fly planes into the World Trade Center when they wouldn't live to see the reaction of people.

"Trust the one who hesitates and thinks before delivering their response"

Tai from work was telling me that sex is so special and if you give yourself to someone in that way, they can figure out everything about you, he said there's no more mystery. Is that true?

Horror

9.11.01. Sheer Horror. I woke up at 8:45am and got dressed for class. I put on my pink skirt. The last time I wore it, I was in the World Trade Center. I just thought it was going to be another normal day. Public Speaking class was boring and I was really tired. I got back at 10:45am, ready to take a nap and I walked in the lobby of my dorm. I saw Wingzie watching T.V. with a bunch of other people. I saw the looks on people's faces. Some people were crying. I looked at the T.V. and saw the World Trade Center and black smoke. My brain froze. No way. What? Could this be happening? I was JUST there. At first it appeared to be a bombing. But as I watched, it showed that a plane had crashed into the tower and then 15 minutes later, another one hit.

"The best thing to do when it's raining is to let it rain" -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

9.20.01. Jeez, I have not even been able to write b/c I couldn't pry my eyes away from the T.V. The news was unfolding. History was undoubtably being made. It was terrible, tragic, insane. So much has happened in such a short time but the emotions have passed. I don't know if I can write about it anymore.

"Emotions change. Moods come and go. Accepting this opens the door to a full, rich, passionate life"

WCU

9.3.01. I'm having breathing problems. I think it's an unconscious response to something. It is severely quiet here. I ate dinner with my parents the past two nights. My mom always has a sad look in her eyes. I don't like it. She said she is losing her ability to write.

"I'm breaking down, I'm burning out and it's not funny like on television" -LTJ

I like having a desk. It makes me want to write. I never sit at my desk in my room at home. I had a dream about Allison last night. I dreamed she was happy to see me and that seeing her was soo important to me. I was searching frantically for her. I have this dream a lot.

"And how this town, it keeps you pinned down, the same old song from years ago" -LTJ

I have a really great family. I love them so much and it scares me to think that one day they'll be gone. I want to find out as much as I can about them. They are so precious. Life is. My mom was saying that her and dad never fight and I'm like how is that possible? Fighting in a relationship is all I know. My mom was like, 'There's no need to fight. We work out our differences'. This seems so impossible to me. They make it sound so simple.

"The world keeps on spinning, inside my head it keeps on spinning" -LTJ

I'm reading a really good book for Interpersonal Comm called 'Dance with Anger' I am done already and we weren't even supposed to start it til mid sememster! But that's how I am with those self-help books. I completely swallow up the information like a starving child.

"Do you think you're better off alone?" -Alice Deejay

The Worst Summer Ever.

8.1.01. I'm going to quit my job at Reference tomorrow. I can't take it anymore. I have these next few weeks off and I need to heal. I can't check my email. I know whatever he wrote isn't going to be something I can stand. I need to be stronger first. I went to see Wendy and she recommended medicine. So I made an appointment with a doctor in two weeks. I wish it were sooner. Give me drugs dammit. It hurts so bad. No desire, just no desire.

Been sleeping a LOT lately. Sleep is my escape. I heard Brad got 1st in his jiu jitsu tournament. I wish I had something like that I really excelled in.

"If I had it in me, to stop my random thoughts and my dumb dreams, I could deal with this non-stop spinning world" -LTJ

8.17.01. I went to Stone Harbour with Janine for two days. We went to see American Pie 2 and we went in the ocean but it was cold. We left early though because Janine doesn't really like the beach a whole lot. Then we went to the X Games with her friend Lee and his girlfriend. It was fun. Jess let us go backstage when CKY played. All these kids were asking for Jess's autograph. We had VIP box seats so it was awesome. We got to watch the vert skateboarding event. Tony Hawk and Andy McDonal won. Everyone had to wait like two hours to get into the games but we went right in bc we were VIP! It rocked. Then we went to the CKY3 premiere and Janine got to go backstage. HIM and CKY played. The video was very funny. I got introduced to P.J. aka Johnny Knoxville, he was really nice. He showed us his Wawa tattoo.

"Footprints give us clues to where we are. All we ever wanted was an answer" -CKY

8.27.01. I'm in my dorm and it's awesome! I'm meeting new people. Everything is awesome, rock on! My dorm is nice and quiet. I don't have to worry about Heather blasting her music. And it's so close to everything. I don't have to walk so far. There's always people walking by our room b/c it's right by the stairs. I played nintendo today with Wingzie's roommate Aaron. I went to dinner with Janine, Kelly and Kyle. I played volleyball and a lot of people showed up that I wouldn't normally see. Kelly's never here though b/c she's with Joel a lot. He's nice but I think she needs to lose him b/c he ties her down and this is college!

"I think I think I know it all, how can I be sure, of the things I've grown to know about?" -LTJ

Foreshadowing

7.3.01. Lana, Randy and I went to NYC today. We went to the top of the World Trade Center. It was awesome!! The elevator was soo fast, 25 mph and it took us all the way to the 107th floor! Omigod it rocked. We went to this bar up there called Windows of the World and got drinks.

"When I think of how things are right now it feels like, yeah it feels like some kind of circus show" -LTJ

I also went to Newark with Lana yesterday, to the Brazilian part of town. It was very cool. Randy said when Lana used to dance, she'd bring home a mile high pile of one dollar bills and dump them all over the floor.

"The man who is aware of himself is henceforward independent and he is never bored" -Virginia Woolf

7.25.01. I went to the therapist yesterday. Next Friday is the Warped tour. I don't know who I will go with. All I do now is listen to hardcore and shit. I want to get tattooed. Jen and I went to Tower and looked at magazines last night.

"Why are you so far away from me?" -Weezer

7.28.01. We went to the Goshen fair tonight. Me, Ryan, Kara, Mike, Pam, Jen, Jill, Brian, Kelly and Joel. Chris was there also. He made this horrible scene in front of everyone. I was so embarrsed. He grabbed me and said he hopes I go to hell and get Aids and he told me he cheated on me with 15 people. And then he called me a slut!!! Then Matt came up to me and tried to tell me how sorry he was. My friends stuck up for me. I will never talk to him again. Really. Drawing a line. ______________________________ there it is.

"Love was never there, I just didn't see it" -Boy Sets Fire

Pain. It never ends.

I'm gonna be 20 this year. I'm glad I made it this far. I'm so afraid I'm going to die. Afraid to not have lived a full life. Afraid of never having really been loved. Afraid of nothing to come. Afraid of missing out. Afraid of never finding purpose or happiness.

It's been a cruel, cruel summer..

Ping Pong

6.25.01. Ugh, somehow he has hurt me again. This time it's over. forever. end. It has to be. I can't talk to him anymore. At all. I have to let this go.

"Falling for you was the easy thing to do, if only I could make you hang around" -The Ataris

Kara thinks he's not over his ex and that they're meant to be together.

Janine thinks he's going through a phase.

Jill thinks there's someone better for me.

*Band-aid for my heart*

Joy came over and was super there for me and I jumped in her pool and realized how good it feels just to be alive.

"I loved him so much. And talked about him so much. And thought about him so much. It was like he lived inside me and had possession of my soul or something. And then one day....I got over him" -My So-Called Life

I started summer school today. I dropped one class though, the professor was a dick.

I love my friends a lot. Jill sent me a card online saying I'm her best friend in the world!!

Here's to the brokenhearted. A generation lost in denial.

"They're playing love songs on the radio tonight. I can't relate to that right now" -Jets to Brazil

I don't think there's a worse feeling in the world than feeling unwanted.

All my friends tell me I deserve some great guy and blah blah blah. Well where the hell is he, did he get lost or something?

Life goes on, right?

It's cool living with Tracey but we never talk and we never do anything together. I thought this would bring us closer or something. It's kinda crappy actually.

I guess I just have to be strong and learn from this. I can be alone. I can do it. Everything I need is within.

Yoga. Water. Serenity. Sunlight. Plants. Massage. Healing. Meditation.

"C'est la vie said the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell" -Pulp Fiction soundtrack

I just feel bad about myself because what I want is not what he wants. Is there something wrong with what I want? No.

It's just that everyone wants something different right? Yeah.

But it's all the same really. We all just want love, acceptance, companionship.

People just want it in different ways? At different times? with different people?

Why not me? I'm loveable.

Look at me, being so silly, trying to figure out my life. My feelings. As if it would somehow make sense.

"Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there" -Rumi

Expression

6.23.01. I was at the park again today and I met these two little girls. One said 'Hi, what's your name?' I was like 'Robin' and she's like 'Want to be my friend?' It was so cool. Made me realize the magic of being a kid. Sigh.

"Life is more mystery than it is misery"

I just watched this movie called Center Stage. It was about dancing and it made me happy and inspired. I used to be a dancer. I love to dance. I want to do it again! I can't wait to start ballet in the fall. I really want to take more classes, jazz and tap. Dancing is expression. It makes me feel alive. There was a line in the movie that said 'Whatever you feel...just dance it'.

"Dancing is the loftiest, most moving and most beautiful of the arts because it is no mere translation or abstraction from life; if is life itself" -Havelock Ell

And also today I sang on my karaoke machine for the first time in probably a good year or so. I love singing. There is nothing else like it. My mom said she misses hearing me and that I'm so good. I don't believe her but knowing it pleases her just made me sing even louder. I'm so passionate, and expressive. So creative. It is the best way to be. Alive. The world....is music.

"Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you" -Fortune Cookie

Spice Up Your Life

5.22.01. Carolyn and I are going to KOP soon. Maybe I can find a bathing suit for the beach next weekend. Yeah right.

I just heard on the radio that Weezer is coming back to town. Whooo hoo!

Adam came to visit me at work last night and told me to hang out with him but I didn't...he keeps calling me. I feel bad. There's just too much going on right now.

Jen and I went rollerblading today. We saw Jason Walling and Jim Krill and Vinnie. Seeing people from the past can be annoying.

4.14.01. So I'm at the park. I feel kind of sad. I don't know. I feel I should just be able to overcome these feelings without dwelling in them but dwell is what I do. I wonder what he does. I guess maybe he doesn't think about it at all. But how can he not? How could I let myself get so emotionally involved without him? Why didn't I see the signals? Because I didn't want to. Even though he flirted with me, he never indicated that we'd be together. Why doesn't he ever go to the park. Does it make him sad? It's beautiful here. Why did he do this to me? Why did I do this to myself? Why did I let him? Why do I still have hope? Why do I really believe that he'd make me happy? What did he want from me? Why was I so stupid to let it mean so much? Why are things so unfair? Why are these little kids screaming in my ear? The Sixers are losing the playoffs. Their last chance is Friday night. Where is romance? All I do is work now. I want the school year to start again. And then I want to transfer to Elon to be far away from my misery.

"For a long time, I was in love. Not only in love, I was obsessed. With a friendship that no one else could touch. It didn't work out. I'm covered in shells" -No Doubt

Silly Rabbit

8.20.01. I've come to so many realizations lately, awakenings, I have to write about them all soon. It's giving me clarity to a lot of issues I've had within myself over the last few years. It feels good to know that I have grown.