Watermelon Spritzer

Me.

Your Personality is the Rarest (INFJ)

Your personality type is introspective, principled, self critical, and sensitive. Only about 2% of all people have your personality - including 3% of all women and around 1% of all men. You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Death

David C. Kupsis, 67, of Brookhaven, died on Saturday, Aug. 16, 2008, at Taylor Hospice, Ridley Park.

Born in Ridley Park, he had been a resident of Brookhaven for the past 41 years.

He was a graduate of St. James High School, class of 1959, and West Chester University, class of 1963. He also received his master's degree from West Chester.

He had been employed by the West Chester Area School District as an elementary school teacher for 39 years, retiring in 2002. He had taught fifth grade at Penn Wood Elementary School.

He was an active member of the Church of Our Lady of Charity, Brookhaven, where he taught CCD for 20 years. He had also coached youth baseball and basketball in the Brookhaven area.

He was a member of the Accordion Pops Orchestra.

He is survived by his wife of 45 years, Mary (nee Bryan) Kupsis; one son, David C. Kupsis Jr. of Perkiomenville; one daughter, Diana (Eric) Barraclough of Brookhaven; and one brother, Charles Kupsis of Trinity, Fla. He was the grandfather of Noah and Ava Barraclough; and the brother of the late Patricia Smarowsky.

A funeral Mass will be on Wednesday, Aug. 20, at 10:30 a.m. at the Church of Our Lady of Charity, Upland Road, Brookhaven.

Interment will be in Ss. Peter & Paul Cemetery in Marple Township.

Friends may call after 8:30 a.m. at the Minshall Shropshire-Bleyler Funeral Home Middletown (Route 352) and Knowlton roads, Middletown Township, Media.

Memorial contributions may be made to Taylor Hospice, 300 Johnson Ave., Ridley Park, PA 19078.

The above is an obituary of my 5th grade teacher. He was someone I'll always remember. The kind of teacher whose students would come back year after year to visit him. The summer before 5th grade I had hoped I'd get put in his class because you always heard such wonderful things about him. But it was a hard year because he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had to miss many months of school. We had a longterm substitute teacher whom I disliked. I've often thought about him over the years and wondered if he was still living.

There have been a lot of deaths this summer. Joy's aunt, Laura's mom, two girls I went to school with. It's always sad to hear about someone you know who has passed but it's even sadder when you think about the lives that will be affected because of the loss. I have a book called The Soul Survival Kit that offers a good perspective on death.

"Death happens, not just to the physical body of someone, but to everything that comes to an end. We are taught to be frightened of death, but death can be understood as a chance for renewal. With death, new things are born or come into your life. If you believe in reincarnation or rebirth, then the death of the physical body can be viewed as a chance for the spirit to come again.

Whatever your beliefs, allow death to have its role and purpose. By accepting it you will learn how to let go and move forward. As well, you will understand the ebb and flow of the cycle that we are inextricably a part of: birth - life - growth - attachment - death - loss - grief - disengagement - rebirth.

Death and beginnings are part of the evolution of your spirit. We need these lessons to grow up and out into the world. At the time it's very confusing, hurtful and painful and can make us bitter, angry and resentful. But we each have a duty to carry on living our life the way the Universe, God or the Spirit intended. Until it's our turn"

Om means Bliss

"Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open" - Natasha Bedingfield

I often feel euphoric surges of light and energy for no particular reason. Even when and espeically when things are not going well. I believe this euphoric state comes from the knowledge that though I cannot control external circumstances, maintaining wellness in my inner universe is always within my grasp. The trials I've had to experience have been gifts that have served a purpose and taught valuable lessons. The wisdom I have gained, I can share with others. The realization that you can overcome any obstacle, by adapting, adjusting and allowing your spirit to flourish is a joy. I wish this sense of serenity for all beings.

"I'm just an ordinary girl, living in an extraordinary world" - Gwen Stefani

I'm constantly inspired by people, places, ideas, images, music. I am ever changing, ever growing, ever manifesting and attracting the things I want and desire into my life. I believe we must take our obsessive, addictive, neurotic tendencies and channel them towards healthy practices. Bring awareness to the food you eat, to the way you live your life. Instead of turning to the television, drinking or whatever fill-in-the-blank bad habit you have, why not entertain yourself by doing something that contributes to the world in a positive way?

"The more you know, the more you realize you know nothing" - Unknown

There is so much knowledge to be consumed. Whenever you find a great teacher, someone you admire and look up to, remember that we are all each other's superiors. We all have our areas of expertise that we can share with one another. You have so much to offer. One of my favorite writers SARK just released a new book called Juicy Pens, Thirsty Paper. Instead of going to the movies or listening to a cd to hear someone else tell you a story, why not write your own? Don't become so lazy that you forget the amazing ability of your own imagination.

Check out my wellness oriented MySpace page
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=178389624

I wish to inspire you to live a life filled with self awareness, cultivating love and respect for your body and becoming attuned to the light that exists inside you so that you may share it with others.

Namaste.

Book - It

I'm trying to sleep, really I am. But late at night for some usually annoying reason, I'm spun with creativity. It begs to be let out in any shape or form. And so I must adhere to the calling to blog. Lol.

I want to write about books. I absolutely love to read. It feels as necessary to me as breathing. I started reading early and was in a special program at school for those who had a high reading level. I looked forward to library class when we'd have stories read to us and I loved book fairs, book orders and that cheesy Book It program when the class who read the most books got a pizza party at the end.

Growing up, I'd usually read series such as The Boxcar Children, The Babysitter's Club and Sweet Valley. I would read them so quickly that it was hard for me to wait til the next book was released. I'd often come to the dinner table head buried in a book or I'd get reprimanded in school because I'd have a book under my desk and be trying to read if we were watching a movie or learning something else.

As I entered my teen years, I became a big fan of magazines. I loved going to the mailbox and finding a fresh, new magazine waiting for me. I'd cut things out, make collages and hang them on my wall. Now I am very much into what I'll call 'learning books'. I have an endless hunger for knowledge and understanding and books have always been a great source of comfort for me. Whatever I am interested in, I seek further comprehension in books. I prefer books over TV because I feel more involved in the process of reading than I do of passively sitting and watching a show.

I also love bookstores. The thought of spending an evening at a Barnes and Noble or Borders is as exciting to me as some people might get about going to a theme park or a ball game. Being surrounded by books is like being in the middle of a limitless world of possibilities. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed if I can't decided what I want to read. I love to browse through the store and see what pops out at me and grabs my attention.

I feel that books are giagantic letters to the world, and I think it's a very special thing to be able to listen to someone's story because in doing so, you connect with the voice and soul of the writer. I aspire to write and publish a book one day. To me, that would be the ultimate accomplishment. Well maybe moreso if I knew people were actually buying it :-)

Oh, so back to the whole idea behind this blog entry (boy, I get carried away sometimes) I was just looking at my overflowing bookshelf and thinking how I'd like to have a library in my house. Just a whole room of books and comfy chairs with big pillows so people could just relax and curl up with a book if they wanted. I have so many books at my parents house, packed away in boxes. This thought makes me shudder. Their messages are not getting out there. I like the idea of passing on books when you are done with them but I also like to keep them as reference materials. The good thing about books is that you can pick them up again and again and get something different out of them every time.

So that's it really, hope you enjoyed my entry. If reading for pleasure isn't your cup of tea, leave me a comment and tell me what you like!

Poems

I've been meaning to blog but too much is going on right now. Here are three of my alltime favorite poems in the meantime. Much love,

Robin




Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

By Robert Frost

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

by Maya Angelou


Imagine A Woman In Love With Herself

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
A woman who honors her experiences and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself.
A woman who listens to her needs and desires.
Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her pain.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own Gods.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

By: Patricia Lynn Riley

Wawa

I stumbled upon a link on one of my former schoolmate's facebook page that I thought was pretty neat: http://wawa2010.blogspot.com/

If you don't know what Wawa is, it's a convenience store/gas station chain that is primarily located in the northeastern U.S. I lived with Wawa my whole life and I often find it difficult to now live without it. The first thing I want to do when I go home is hit up Wawa. Philly pretzels and veggie hoagie, mmm!!!! What's so great about it you ask? Well I don't know if I could explain it, you'd just have to experience it! So these former classmates of mine are trying to visit every Wawa in existance while raising awareness about skin cancer and are apparently making the news in their quest. I think that is pretty random and fun.

Gottahava Wawa!!

In sadder news, I learned that two other former classmates of mine have recently passed, both deaths were the result of suicide. I was shocked to hear that these gorgeous, smart, talented, bubbley women who were so full of life could have found themselves in situations of such despair. It reminds me just how very important it is to be kind to people. You never know what someone may be dealing with and how you treat them can make a world of difference.

"I may be going broke, but I'm never broken down" - Less Than Jake

I've been reflecting and thinking how lucky I am to have the great network of friends I have. I have been fortunate enough to maintain close friendships with a handful of people from my childhood and now I have a new close-knit group of friends in Florida. In talking for over an hour on the phone tonight with my girlfriend Jen as we often did when we were kids, not having anything in particular to say but candidly joking, reminessing and sharing our thoughts, I realized how little things have changed despite our different paths in life.

"The road is never long to the house of a friend"

Escape

Where do you go to escape life's dramas? When the wear and tear of the day has gotten to you, when you've counseled each and every one of your friends and realize that no one is really better off; everyone is suffering with their own struggles and you're lamenting that your next therapist appointment is three days away because you've got more than enough to run through than the hour long period you'll get to spend. Where do you go? What soothes your soul?

I've been getting a fix lately finding videos on youtube that mix one of my favorite songs and some great scenes from a favorite movie or tv show. I don't have cable so I am not able to watch much TV but there are a few shows that I feel have perfectly described my being at a certain place in time. Two of those shows are Roswell and Grey's Anatomy. Roswell found me in college and I would go over my friend Jen's and we would watch episode after episode. It was fantastic. I took a strong interest in the sci-fi aspect of the plot. Shelly introduced me to Grey's Anatomy. I resisted at first but it's a mesmorizing drama that consumes you right from the pilot episode. I definitely wish I could wear scrubs to work. Here's a fan video from each. PS. In case you couldn't tell, I'm a hopeless romantic. Okay, let's change that to hopeful. It sounds better :-)

Healing You

My friend Shelly pointed out that I haven't blogged in awhile. She's right. I love how she stays on me about this stuff! Creatively speaking, I always have a lot that wants to come out. I actually colored tonight in a coloring book. It was a favorite childhood activity of mine and I felt comforted as I carefully chose the colors and colored in and outside the lines.

If you don't already know, I'm currently in the process of working on a master of arts degree in Holistic Wellness. I'm concentrating specifically on nutrition and healthy lifestyles which is a personal interest of mine. I started a little over a year ago and I'm just over halfway done. The program is offered through Clayton College of Natural Health (http://www.ccnh.edu)

Natural health is a non-traditional approach to illness that is becoming more and more accepted, recogized and brought into the mainstream. The realm of natural health includes chiropracters, accupuncturists, massage therapists, naturopaths, herbalists, nutrition consultants, yoga teachers and much more. At this point, I am not sure what my exact path will be but I do know that I am very passionate about what I am learning and I am excited and hopeful about the possiblity of making it a full-time career.

In one of my classes Wellness and Belief there is a lecture called Why People Don't Heal by Caroline Myss, P.H.D. I'd like to share some strong points she makes. She focuses on the links between personal power, illness, toxic connections to the past, and hidden blocks to wellness. Hopefully these excerpts make sense, since they are taken out of context:

On the dangers of holding onto your past:

"The phsycial body closes it's wounds up very quickly, doesn't it? Where would the body be if it kept a wound open for 20 years? Festering with Gangrene. We need to learn from this. I think every emotional wound deserves a period of grieving but you must be careful when you take that wound and turn it into a power to disempower yourself".

"Is it okay to talk about your past? Yes, but you can't keep leaving your spirit there to recreate the past".

"The point of meditation is to notice where your spirit goes when you aren't paying attention. What do you dwell on? Who are you thinking about? As you observe these things, you then need to learn to call your spirit back. It will be very stubborn at first".

"Instead of thinking you control your destiny or you create your reality (because that's a huge burden to hold) just say to yourself I am responsible for the quality of my journey. Not the places I go or the people I meet along the way but for the way I respond to them".

"We age because we live in the perception that 'if only I could understand why this happened, then I could move on and let go', and in doing so we leave a peice of our soul in every one of those experiences".

"It doesn't matter how much your mind knows. What matters is the journey between what your mind knows and forcing the rest of yourself to become congruent with it".

"Give up the past and the need to understand and control, give up blame, the need to be comfortable, to have an agenda and to control others".

"The best thing you can do is live one day at a time, keep your attention in present time. Have no expectations, make no judgements, and give up the need to know why things happen as they do. It's lethal and it's costing you your cell tissue".

With that, I bid you good night!

Simple & Clean

I'm not into video games really (old school nintendo excluded) but I do enjoy Kingdom Hearts. It's an awesome game that mixes Disney with Final Fantasy. The result is a great adventure journey. Here's a video tribute with the ending song from Kingdom Hearts 1. Awesomeness!!

LTJ GNV FLA

I went to see my most favorite band in the whole world the other night and it was a rare experience because I also got to meet them!! Finally after 13 years of being a deticated fan, official card carrying fan club member, lol....I got the added excitement of interacting with the band members. I was thrilled!

"I can't listen to all the reasons, I just need one more thing to believe in. The one thing that will keep me breathing. So, I'll kiss the dirt when I hit dry land" -LTJ

During a random morning check of Myspace, I saw that the band was going to be appearing at the Virgin record store and playing an acoustic set and would be signing stuff that afternoon. I got there and purchased the new album and received a vinyl which I had the whole band autograph. It was awesome. Chris and Roger, two of the more well known members played a few songs and I rocked out still marveling in the fact that they were making such an intimate appearance. In all the times I've seen them play, I never saw them come out and talk to fans, at least not formally. I had a ton of things I wanted to say to them but when I got up there I pretty much just said hello and told them they were awesome and thanked them for making such great music that has inspired me and been with me through thick and thin.

"Surviving is my best revenge, what hurts you once won't hurt you again. She meant what she said" - LTJ

Later at the show, a few ska bands opened who were all pretty good - including Mustard Plug, a band I came to know on a youth group trip one summer after 10th grade. It was fun to see them play and then finally LTJ!!! They played a kick ass show as always and as usual, played lots of old songs. Their traditional confetti cannons shot off during 'All My Best Friends Are Metalheads' and then again during the finale song 'Plastic Cup Politics'. I was in heaven. It's amazing how that same environment can be recreated again and again, it's like I'm back at the Electric Factory in 1998 skanking away with my friend Jason right after Hello Rockview came out, having the time of my life.

"I always walk the line between lows and the highest highs and I don't mind" - LTJ

The pit was pretty rough, a lot rougher than I remembered for a ska show but I didn't mind getting pushed and shoved, elbowed and plowed against in the instance of being at one with the music that describes my soul. I stood beneath the spot where Roger played because I love watching him, he has such great expressions and stage presence and makes a lot of eye contact with the fans and I always get more out of the show when I can feel like I'm connecting with him.

"Just standing in this crowded room still makes me feel alive. The thoughts that's in our brains, were razor sharp but all the years made them fade or wrote them in a different way" - LTJ

The new album is really good. I didn't know how I felt at first because it's a little different than their more recent stuff. However, it goes back to the roots of what Less Than Jake is all about. The band started their own record label Sleep It Off Records, moving away from Warner Brothers, and are going back to what their true character is, with the fast punk rock horn sounds of their early days. That's fine with me because Losing Streak is my favorite album and I think LTJ GNV FLA is more or less comparable to that, Pezcore and Losers, Kings & Things We Don't Understand. LTJ FOREVER!!! :o)

"And the cities skyline hasn't looked the same, since the boom in South Florida's real estate. It's turning into more than I can take. Too much too soon, too little too late" - LTJ

Cinderella

Cinderella by: Steven Curtis Chapman

This blog is inspired by a story and reflection I heard in church the other day. It touched me deeply. I'd like to share it with you.




Three days after her 5th birthday, Steven's 'Cinderella' Maria was tragically hit by a car and killed.




This is an awful reminder that all we really have are moments. Don't let them pass you by.

Cuteness

My best friend is in love. Sweet, spinning, skipping, spooning, never-let-me-go, kind of love. I am so happy to see her...this happy. I remember what it's like to be cherished to my bones and cared for so strongly and I am tickled to know that she has found the reflection of her soul's beauty in another to this magnitude. It is quite special to have been involved in the process of watching two people find each other when the odds were stacked against them from the beginning. To realize that when two beings have the desire to be together, nothing will stand in their way is jolting and refreshing.

We are all made for this kind of loving. Sadly, I believe some people will never experience it or will only find it fleetingly in their lives. People are afraid to really open their hearts to another person. But when you do, you will find the most beautiful and fulfilling feelings you've ever known. I am thankful to have felt loved and to have been allowed to give my love so deeply to another and I look forward to future love as it awaits somewhere out there for me. In the meantime, I will keep watching an exquiste love story unfold in my own backyard. Cheers my good friends <3

Fabulously Ever After

Last weekend I, wishing I had my entourage of fabulous women friends to share the experience of seeing a classic chick flick with, went to see Sex and the City - the movie by myself. Geography and busy schedules kept me from getting my wish but I could not wait to see the movie version of a tv show that has inspired me and served as therapy to my sometimes weary soul.

Around the time of my fairly recent break up, I ordered Season 1 of Sex and the City from Amazon. Instantly, I was hooked. I was enamoured with the storyline, women in their thirities living in New York City trying to find a suitable partner while experiening all the challeneges and mishaps of dating and relationships many of us face today. Strong, successful women who celebrate being single and fabulous in a culture where women in their thirties are more or less expected to be married and having children. I feel that this tv show is so important. It sheds light on many issues women have never felt safe talking about before. The voice of Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) who plays a writer on the tv show, through her sex column asks real life questions so many of us struggle with such as 'Do you have to play games to make a relationship work?', 'Can there be sex without politics?', 'Is timing everything?', 'Is honesty really the best policy?', 'Are we getting wiser or just older?' The threaded theme of the story is the glue of female friendship.

As I sat in the dark movie theater, I was relieved that I had come to this movie alone because I found myself surprisingly overcome with emotion. I cried during much of the movie. I cried for the love that I have lost, for the strength that I have found in myself and for the deep longing I feel to be reconnected to my girlfriends as we once were. I cried for the unfairness of life circumstances and for finding humor through it all. I realized it was the first time I had let myself go like that in a long time. I stayed through the credits because I became aware of those around me and felt slightly embarrssed. The strong bond you feel between these women on the screen recaptures that sense of togetherness and belonging I once felt with my 'chick clique'. Then somehow, life gets in the way. If you manage to stay close with just a few friends through the years, consider yourself lucky.

Afterwards, I put myself back together and as if the movie had subminially brainwashed me, I suddenly had the intense urge to go shopping. And just like that, I got my stride back.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tip of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can dissapoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusations of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else fails away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

From The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

The Cake Conversation

I was just flipping through my 'inspiration book' which is essentially a scrapbook I created to give me a lift whenever I am feeling blah and I came across a witty and smart conversation my dear friend Jen and I had back in 2002. I had to laugh as I read it but it inspired me to share.

Pixy516: I just finished watching The Wedding Planner :-(
GrapeGirl81: Oh Jen don't think of that stuff
Pixy516: Kill
GrapeGirl81: Listen this is how it is...everyone is messed up right now...in the process of learning. Think about it. No one is really capable of giving complete love right now because we're all going through the experiences we need to become emotionally strong and mature and that's how it's supposed to be. It's like, you wouldn't want to take a cake out of the oven if it's not cooked all the way...it wouldn't taste good...that's how you have to look at it. We are all works in progress. Things will fall into place eventually and it will all work out for the best.
Pixy516: That's good
GrapeGirl81: Yeah I thought that all up today
Pixy516: How do you know when to take the cake out?
Pixy516: Will it ever cook?
Pixy516: And even if it's cooked, what if it's never fully cooked?
GrapeGirl81: I know sometimes it gets lonely and it's hard to wait but my dad gave me some good advice, he's like the best thing you can do to bring good things your way is to focus on the future, making sure you do good in school, establish independence for yourself and get really confident and comfortable with who you are
Pixy516: I'm serious. People are going to be uncooked forever.
GrapeGirl81: This is true
Pixy516: So it's never a good time...to take the cake out
GrapeGirl81: I mean we are all humanly imperfect. Like today at work, this woman asked if she could get a discount on a book she was purchasing because it was damaged a little...'not perfect' she said
GrapeGirl81: The guy who was ringing her up said very matter of factly...well we aren't perfect either
GrapeGirl81: I just say keep the cake in the oven until the timer goes off...and you will hear it baby! It will ring loud and clear
Pixy516: I don't decide when the timer goes off though
GrapeGirl81: Right, it's not in your hands. But it'll be worth it. When it's finally done you get to decorate it and put the icing on and eat it!
Pixy516: I can control the degrees
GrapeGirl81: It'll be so yummy, and then you'll get fat!
Pixy516: I don't really like cake
GrapeGirl81: Oh.
Pixy516: What about...a pie
GrapeGirl81: Yes, a pie will work too
Pixy516: Good
GrapeGirl81: Pie is better because when it's done, you get to see what's underneath the crust
Pixy516: Stab it with a fork!

Anticipation

5.20.08 Hey blog,
Life has been unfolding, as it often does. This coming weekend is Memorial Day already and I'm heading home for a couple of days graced by the company of my dear friend Shelly. I'm very excited because Shelly's never been to where I'm from and I absolutely relish in introducing someone I care about to the wonderous world of my history, lol. I had a fabulous time stepping into Shelly's past when we visited her family last year over Labor Day and seeing all that played a part in shaping who she is and now she'll get to see mine. It's going to be a busy trip but filled with fun I'm anticipating. Here are the plans:

Friday - Drive to West Chester and show her where I went to high school and college and my old house and all the fun Dub C landmarks and definately introducing her to Wawa. Possibly visiting my friend Jen and meeting her newest daughter Charlie and then celebrating Jen's birthday at the West Chester bars with my friend Kelly and hopefully running into others who are in town.

Saturday - Driving up to Lake Mohawk, NJ to spend the day with my brother. It's supposed to be nice weather so taking his boat out on the lake and catching up sans the rest of the family (they'll still be in Brazil)

Sunday - Heading back to West Chester for Janine's bridal shower in the afternoon. Going to Wildwood, NJ that evening to hang out with Kara and her friend at the boardwalk, stay at their hotel.

Monday - Spend Memorial Day at the beach! Drive back to my parent's place and hang out with them in the evening, go out to dinner.

Tuesday - Hang out with my parents at their place in NJ and then leave for the airport in the afternoon to come back to sunshine state fun.

'Don't forget your roots' -H2O

Eskimo Kisses

Exercise 61 Identifying Your Purpose. Completely clear your mind of any kind of practical thinking. Answer each question using the carefree, little-girl, creative "I can do anything I want" part of your brain.

1. What games did you play when you were little? My friends and I played house a lot, we also played Amish people and we'd wear bonnets and skirts and pretend to work outside. We'd play hotel sometimes and pretend to check people in. We played Surfer Girls a lot too, we'd dress up and be the girl version of the Beach Boys. We'd sing and dance on my deck and make my mom video tape us. We'd play dress up a lot and model and take pictures of ourselves.

2. When you were a small child and a teenager, what types of things did you just love to do? I loved dance and playing soccer, I loved ice skating, singing and writing. I liked to pretend I was a cheerleader and that I had a twin sister who was my best friend and we were very cool like Elizabeth and Jessica from Sweet Valley High books. I liked to make clubs with my friends, we'd have officers and memberships. We liked giving each other makeovers and pretending we had cute boyfriends. When I was a teenager, my friends and I liked to share notebooks that we would pass back and forth throughout the school day and we liked to have sleepovers and watch movies or pull pranks on whoever fell asleep.

3. What kind of events or activities have you looked forward to throughout your life and never wanted to end? Vacations - especially trips to the beach, Summers - warm weather, girl's get togethers, family traditions - playing board games, writing in pretty journals, cooking food with loved ones.

4. When you were younger, what did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be an actress since I was in 3rd grade and saw the movie Shipwrecked. I also wanted to work with and train dolphins so I thought about being a Marine Biologist. I wanted to be the lead singer of a band like No Doubt when I was in middle and high school. I wanted to be a figure skater when I was in elementary school and I wanted to be a writer since being in college.

5. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be? In other words, what is your absolute pie-in-the-sky dream job? I would pretty much have Gwen Stefani's life. She is a super sexy woman who grew up in the punk rock/ska music scene. She gets to do the 3 things I love most in life for her career - travel the world, write down her feelings, turn them into song lyrics and then sing and perform to audiences! That would be the ultimate dream for me. She stays at the top of her game because she is constantly reinventing herself. She works hard but she also gets rewarded hugely and gets to enjoy life. She's at the point where she doesn't ever have to work again but she does because she loves what she does.

6. If you were independently wealthy and did not have to work, what would you do in your spare time? I would be a travel writer and I'd open my own organic teahouse.

Mother's Day

5.10.08. My mom got sick when I was 14. I remember it very clearly. We were in Ocean City, NJ and my friend Kelly was with us. We were walking on the boardwalk one evening and my mom stopped and reached down for her leg. "Ouch!" she said. "What's wrong?" my dad asked. "I don't know, my leg hurts, it feels funny". "What's it feel like?" I wanted to know. "Like I pulled a muscle I guess. It's really stiff and it aches".

So we walked slower, accomadating my mom's sudden discomfort. No one gave it a second thought. Afterall, we were on vacation, doing things we didn't normally do so she could have injured herself without knowing it during any of these activities. When we got back home though, her leg hadn't gotten any better. In fact, now her whole leg was feeling numb and tingley. She went to the doctor who referred her to a neurolgist because she'd also started having blurred vision. "It could be a lot of things, we don't know at this point," the doctor told her.

They tested her for Lyme Disease, Lupus and a myriad of other conditions. She had an MRI, CATscan, blood work and the dreadfully painful spinal tap. She knew M.S. was a possibility and though it wouldn't be a pleasant diagnosis, it wasn't the worse thing they could tell her she had. "I'm going to be okay" she insisted to me wiping away my tears. "I know in my heart that God is going to take care of me and I'm going to be fine".

The tests revealed that she did have Multiple Sclerosis, unpredictable disease of the central nervous system, which can range from relatively benign to somewhat disabling to devastating, as communication between the brain and other parts of the body is disrupted. My mom put up a brave front but I know she was scared. When she came home with the news, I only wanted to hear one thing - that she didn't have a disease - something you couldn't make better. They had to be able to cure it because I needed her. She was my mom, my superhero and there was no way I could survive without her. She looked at me with honest eyes and said "Yes, I have it". I screamed out in terror and though she tried to hug me and comfort me, I tore up the stairs and locked myself in my room, a shrieking 'NOOOOOOOOOOO' echoing throughout the hallway. The walls were closing in on me and I felt like there was not a drop of hope left in the world.

My mom resolved to stay healthy and take care of herself. She was already an extremely active woman, she'd take two walks a day in any kind of weather, always ate healthy and liked to bike ride, dance and play tennis. Her condition however, worsened. By the fall, the numbness had moved to both legs and she needed crutches to help her walk. In a matter of a few months she had to rely on a wheelchair. But she remained confident and optimistic that this was just an 'attack' as they are called and that she would walk again.

A lot of adjustments had to be made to our home and in our lives. As I was just entering high school and coming out of an extremely akward period of adolscence, I started rebelling against my parents as most teenagers do but it wasn't helping our family situation. I became moody and withdrawn and shut my parents out. I was embarrssed and angry. I didn't want to bring friends over and have them see what was going on and I felt resentful because of this. I didn't know how to deal with anything I was feeling. My mom really needed me and I couldn't be there for her. I was growing up but I wasn't ready to be grown up.

My dad was a rock. He never showed an ounce of emotion for what was going on which I still cannot understand. But physically, he was there for her helping in every way he could. He took her to chiropracters, herbalists, miracle healers, anyone under the sun they thought to try after the regular doctors said there was little that could be done. My mom tried many of the traditional drug therapies but only experienced negative side effects and none had brought her any relief. For those who have M.S., most people have what's referred to as relapsing/remitting M.S. which means they will suffer temporarily from the symptoms but then they recover and may not experience anything again for a long time. These people go on to live pretty normal lives. Surely my mom couldn't be among the smallest percentage of people whose M.S. only gets progressively worse. It wasn't fair.

Thirteen years later, my mom has never again walked or experienced any kind of remission. She says she cannot feel her feet at all and her legs are constantly tingley like pins and needles, the kind you feel when a body part falls asleep but she describes it as 1000x worse. Her ankles are always swollen and her whole body feels stiff and foreign. She's slowly losing her ability to write and her hands shake when she holds things. It's a struggle for her to type an email but she'll still try. She has to depend on my dad for everything, even the most personal functions which I'm sure is unimaginablably hard for both of them. She's gained a lot of weight because she cannot get any exercise and she has a terrible time sleeping most nights. Her routine is exactly the same day in and day out and she has little to look forward to. She longs to be connected to people but very few people make an effort to visit her. I know my mom feels very lonely. But if you talk to her on the phone her voice is cheerful and upbeat and you would never know anything is amiss. She still eats healthy, has an unbending faith and a loving spirit.

It's difficult for me to be around her though because I can see the sadness in her eyes as she vicariously lives through others. She always says she eats her heart out when she sees someone taking a walk out the window or if we are down the shore and she sees people wading out in the ocean. She loved the beach. It breaks my heart to know that her life ended at 50 - though she's still trapped here, forced to live as she describes - a burden to others. And the thing that haunts me everyday through and through is that I am helpless to do anything to fix her situation. I sometimes feel guilty when I try to enjoy my own life. I guess I should just feel lucky to still have her around but that doesn't feel right because I know she would rather have her suffering ended.

It's incredibly difficult to see the one person you love more than anything in life be in constant pain. I can't do anything for her even though she's done the world for me. I seldom talk about my mom to anyone because it is very painful. But when my heart is broken because I see what she has to go through, I want people to know what an amazing and strong person she is and how I feel soo lucky and proud to have had her as my mom. Ever since I was little, I wanted to be around her 24/7. She has always been my shining light. Sometimes I feel bitter when I hear my friends talk about going shopping with their moms, or having them come over and show them how to do things. I feel robbed for all the mother/daughter things we missed out on together. My dad tried his best to make up for it and he did a great job but it could never replace what I desired to have shared with her.

My mom taught me one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned in life - to be positive and find the good in any situation because that is what she and my grandmother always did. My mom has understandably suffered some major bouts of depression from this disease. But she's showed me how amazing and resilant the human spirit is, because she presses on. And in doing so, I believe she brings great strength and encouragement to all those around her.

Mom, I love you.

Reading Glasses

5.6.08 Sometimes I think we should learn to read a situation with our smart, and not our heart. I'm a strong believer in following your intuition or going with your gut reaction or vibe about something but I've also realized there's been a lot of times when what you think or feel is not actual reality. I know I've made quick judgement calls about people before that have turned out to be completely wrong.

When I first started playing volleyball there was this guy who I thought was just a maniac. He would get soo mad if he (or the team) messed up that he would make these horrible grunting noises of distress. I felt very intimidated around him and uncomfortable because he took things so seriously while I was just there to have fun. I didn't even want to play around him for fear of messing up or setting him off. Well that was Jeff on the volleyball court. Jeff in real life is a completely different person. In fact, he's one of the nicest, funniest, most easy-going people I know. Apparently, he's just really into sports...but because I was only seeing him from that one angle, I wrote him off as a jock with an attitude who was too competitive for his own good. I almost missed out on getting to know a good person because my perception was skewed.

Another example of this is in relationships. Did you ever play the fool for someone and give them the benefit of the doubt time and time again because of who you were convinced they were deep down, maybe who they almost were, or who they could be; when the reality of the situation was that they had shown you who they really were (or were not) by treating you a certain way but you kept letting them, expecting a change because of what your heart told you? If you had mentally stepped away from the situation and detached from your feelings, you might have gotten the information you needed and saved yourself a lot of unnecessary pain.

These are just two of many scenarios in my life when I know I have been wrong about something or someone. Often, we allow our emotions to guide us and think something is going to work out or that we are right simply because we are trusting the voice inside us. It is wonderful to be in touch with your feelings and I think we should always first and foremost listen to our hearts but we also need to practice the art of incorporating a good healthy dose of rational into how we view every situation. By paying attention to what your gut says, but also trying to see and hear a person or situation with your rational mind, you will be able to make more balanced judgement calls accordingly.

"Judge a tree by it's fruits. And ditto for people" -Unknown

Quotables

5.6.08. When I was in high school I used to scrapbook a lot and every year I'd make a quote page. It'd be filled with memorable silly things my friends and I had said, inside jokes we'd shared, things that were funny because they were so dead on or things that were just candidly quoteworthy. I have had a lot of funny moments over the recent years and times when I wanted to stop and write something down that someone had said. But I never did so now those funny things are forgotten. So I'm going to try to recreate this tradition because we all have our moments and I like funny :-)

"Don't you hate when you pick the wrong end of the table to sit at?" - Jeff (Coatesville) (On our post-softball season get-together)

"Here's my two cents" - Alan Skaggs (Reaching into his pocket and handing me two pennies)

"What's she going on tour or something?!" - Jen's friend (On viewing my myspace calendar)

"Let me tell you about this chick Robin, she just goes. She's a go-getter. She doesn't wait for anything. Except a guy. Then she'll wait.. forever". - Jen Mac (On explaining me to her friend)

"That's what She said" - Lito Morona (On everything)

"Hey-I really need to talk to you. I'm sooo worried. Joy is missing." "Missing, missing? Are you sure?" "Yes, she is nowhere to be found. Last I saw her was at 3:30am." "I'm sure she's fine." "No, she's...Wait, hold on. She just showed up at my door, I gotta go". - Kara Kennedy (On losing our friend Joy)

"You're probably the most stubborn person I know" "Why?" "Because you'll only do something if you want to do it. You've always been that way". "What's wrong with knowing what I want?? I really don't see a problem here.." - Joy Sorrentino (On telling me like I is)

"How come everything in our lives went to shit after Labor Day??? Seriously, what the heck happened?" "I don't know...it is really weird." "Hmm...maybe when Dawn did the Acutonics on us she unleashed something!" "Yeah, or maybe she forgot to close up the chakras". "Do you think??" - Robin & Shelly (On random unexplainable parallel events)

"When you meet someone for the first time, you aren't really meeting them. You're meeting their representative" - Aaron McHan (On dating)

(On playing the name game for the person to your right at dinner) "Okay everyone switch and read them. "R-O- 'Obtuse?! What the hell does that mean? Jolyon, the point was to write something Nice about the person!" "I did, I couldn't think of anything for 'O', the others are all nice". "R for 'Ridiculous'??? You think I'm ridiculous?! Wow". "Oh dear...maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Look, here comes the food". - Shelly, Jolyon and Robin at Macaroni Grill

Jim & Pam

5.4.08 My favorite TV couple:



"Never, ever, ever give up". -Michael

Sexcapdes

5.4.08. I've been blogging a lot because I've been sick all weekend so not doing a whole lot. Here's my question of the day, can a man and a woman really be friends?

"A man and a woman can never be friends because the sex part always gets in the way" -When Harry Met Sally

(My therapist suggested that we look for 3 things in a person that are necessary for a relationship to work - Chemistry, Personality and Character. You might be able to sustain a relationship if you have strength with someone in two of those areas but if one is missing, you will probably have troubles down the road unless you can resolve to work it out.)

My feeling is that you can have a true friendship with a person of the opposite sex, as long as you don't have physical chemistry with that person. I can honestly say there have been men in my life who I have enjoyed hanging out with because I either connected with their personality or admired their character, without desiring anything physical. That's not to say they may have felt the same way though. If they had felt chemistry for me, the friendship probably ended when we discovered we were not seeking the same outcome from the relationship.

I think if you are trying to maintain a friendship with someone whom you share a physical chemistry with but for whatever reason are not romantically involved with, you need to establish and honor clear boundaries especially if one of them is in a relationship.

I once read a great book called Emotional Infidelity which I'd recommend everyone to read. It gives a very conservative view on relationships but I think in this day and age when there is so much out there at our fingertips (the Internet, text messages, etc.) that can so easily have a negative effect on one's relationship, we can all benefit in reexamining our beliefs about what constitues unfaithfulness. I'm not saying I agree with all these things but as you read them, notice your reaction. If you are feeling defensive or outright rejecting the idea, ask youreself why.

Here is a good passage from the book:

"Countless people have told me that getting involved with members of the opposite sex isn't a problem for them because it would never lead to adultery. They've even believed that a little flirtatiousness now and then is healthy, reminding us that we're still attractive to the world at large. Sex is far from the only problem. You will simply be chipping away at your relationship every time you get that ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex. It's dangerous to your relationship, and not because it might lead to sex. Rather, it drains your relationship of the immense energy it needs to grow: the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your significiant other the opportunity to provide you with that same ping of excitement you are looking for elsewhere".

10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship

Secret #1 Commitment is the glue of any relationship. Insulate and protect your relationship against emotional infidelity by avoiding friendships with the opposite sex.

Secret #2. Codependence is a necessary ingredient for a great relationship. The two of you must need each other.

Secret #3. Couples need clear, realistic goals and a specific plan of how to achieve those goals.

Secret #4. Your relationship has to come first - before jobs, kids, anything else. Your unconscious assumptions are holding you back from putting in the effort.

Secret #5. Your childhood has a great deal to do with your ability to enjoy a great relationship. The more you understand this connection, the better relationship you will have.

Secret #6. Great sex comes not from great sexual skill but from sharing your deepest, shyest self while trusting your partner.

Secret #7. Acceptance is about appreciating, not settling.

Secret #8. Your marriage comes before your child. but your child is one of your best tools for creating a great marriage.

Secret #9. Like any strong working partnership, relationships need well-defined roles for each spouse.

Secret #10. Time is on your side. A great marriage has many different stages and takes years to develop properly.

Poems

Wishful Thinking

If I could draw, I would draw myself on a deserted island
Lying in a hammock with my love and coconut palms
Singing us lullaby's

If I could dream an endless dream
I'd dream myself to Tahitti
I'd ride a dolphin through the waves and warm myself in the sun

If I could wish just one wish that was guarenteed to come true
I'd wish my mother back to health and then she'd never be blue

If I could freeze a place in time
I'd return to my childhood days
Remember what it was like to pretend, imagine and believe
And play

If I could go back to a time when I was innocent
I would not have kissed so many boys
But only the ones who were worthy

But who am I to live in regret
For the things that cannot be

Like a little bird afraid to fly
Or a cat running up a tree

I must move forward, I must stand tall
Reaching out for the moment and loving it all

written 2.26.05


Work

A job, a building, a place I go
To make money, make ends meet, this much I know

But how it makes me tired and ill
My hopes and dreams it will never fulfill

I feel each wasted hour passing me by
Office politics and bullshit, I breath out a heavy sigh

To think it costs money just to simply exist
Doesn't make much sense to me, I want to raise a fist

written 10.11.05


What I Learned in College

I learned that naps aren't only for pre-schoolers

I learned how to make a pot of coffee

I learned what it means to leave home

I learned how it feels to be broke

I learned how to bullshit my way through classes that didn't interest me

I learned that 'roommate' does not automatically mean 'best friend'

I learned what it is to have my heart broken

And I learned what it means to find true love

I learned that good friendships last across the miles

And that it gets harder to make good friends as you get older

I learned that I can study for hours on end and still do badly on a test

I learned that I can plow through and perserve long after I think possible

I learned that parking tickets are easier to come by than the flu

I learned that half your grades are your attitude

I learned that it's easy to lose yourself without a positive self estemn and a strong sense of self

I learned that I am still a bit naive and really need to think things through before making impulsive decisions about certain things

I learned that you don't have to drink and party to have fun in college

It's taken me 5 years, or maybe I should say 23, but I've finally realized who I am and that is truly powerful

written 3.11.05

Hey Jealousy

jeal·ous·y [jel-uh-see] –noun, plural. 1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

Have you ever been accused of being jealous or have you felt jealous about something? Of course you have, it's part of human nature. But I don't think jealousy is a negative feeling although many people tend to view it as one.

There are two kinds of jealousy I've experienced similar to the dictionary definitions above. Jealousy in the sense that inspires and jealousy in the sense that causes pain. But both are indicators of what it is you truly want. When I have a friend who has something I want, I may feel envious but it's not because I don't wish for them to have that thing, jealousy here serves as a tool to show me what it is I want or feel I am missing, therefore inspiring me to try and get it.

The other kind of jealousy occurs when (usually in a romantic relationship) you feel your needs are not being met due to an external factor (another person, thing or anything you feel is a perceived threat) In this case, it is wise to examine what is going on that is causing you to feel this way. On some levels, it may be because you are insecure as a person but it also may be because there is something in fact jepordizing your status to the thing you want or have. If jealousy is due to personal insecurities, it will benefit us to learn that we really are the only ones able to fulfill our emotional needs and realize that love is abundantly available to us at any given time. We feel jealous because we hold the belief that if something is threatening what we have, then there won't be enough left for us. This is not true!

But here again, jealousy serves to help you explore what is going on with yourself thus allowing you to deal appropriately with the situation. All in all, jealousy simply means that you care and there's nothing negative about that. I've heard guys say they don't want a girlfriend who ever acts jealous. But most people don't get jealous for no reason, think about this... maybe those people saying this actually have commitment problems and are really saying 'I don't want a girl whose going to hold me accountable for my actions'. I think most girls like to know that their guy feels jealous every now and again because it lets them know how much that person cares. The only thing not to do is try and intentionally make someone feel jealous as a test of their feelings because that is manipulation.

So next time you sense a wave of jealousy coming on, stop and ask yourself whether or not you really have a reason to be jealous. If so, take the necessary action to fix the problem - do you need to mentally check-in and start communicating with someone better? Maybe you never established expectations with this person to begin with, leaving you feeling rightfully hurt but if you didn't lay everything on the table from the start, it's not fair for you to be angry with this person. If the jealousy is truly warrented and the other person refuses to put themself in your shoes and change how they are acting, maybe it's time to end the relationship.

In a healthy relationship, jealousy should not be a normal feeling you have. If it is, ask yourself why you are choosing to stay with someone whose actions cause you to feel insecure.

"The thing to do with feelings is to make it safe to feel all of them"

To-Do's

3.31.08 Exercise 18. Making your to-do list. Getting out of your head and into the present moment is not an easy task. This exercise will help organize all the plans and dreams that float around in your mind. Once they are down on paper and you've committed time to thinking and acting upon them, it will be easier to let them go and focus on the here and now.

Ultimate To-Do List (no limitations!)
1) Visit a rain forest in South America
2) Drive a Porshe 911...somewhere...anywhere!
3) Swim with dolphins
4) White water raft
5) Visit Roswell, NM
6) Go to the Grand Canyon
7) Cruise to Alaska
8) Backpack through Canada
9) Go to every continent
10) Visit Australia Zoo
11) Publish a book
12) Climb a mountain
13) Have 3 kids, (water birth)
14) Get married barefoot on the beach
15) Honeymoon at a Sandals Resort
16) Build a house
17) Grow my own fruits and veggies
18) Be a motivational speaker

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Life Inventory

3.28.08 Exercise 17 - Taking a Life Inventory. To get what we truly want, it is necessary to eliminate the things in our lives that do not align with our most important goals and values, and to commit ourselves 100 percent to the things we do want. Taking on too many tasks and ambitions makes it impossible to give any aspect of your life the attention it deserves. In this exercise, you'll inventory the choices you are making in your life.

1. Career: I am at a good place from a worldly viewpoint - I make good money, have a management position, a big office, flexibility and job security but for me personally, I'm not doing what I am passionate about so that's the biggest room to improve. I need to learn to make money doing what I love and believe in.

2. Romance: Well I've learned what a bad relationship is from a good relationship and something somewhere along the middle too. I've learned that true love does in fact exist, and that it is available to me and I've learned what being married is all about. I don't have anyone special right now in my life but I feel okay with that. I'm not going to lie though. Who doesn't want more romance?

3. Social Life: Right now I am really happy with my social life. I sometimes feel like I am too social, there's too much to do - a lot of options and some people who I could make more time for but don't. I like having a select group of fun friends.

4. Finances: I could certainly pay more attention to my finances and save more money but I am able to support myself so that is good enough right now I suppose. I would like to be genuinely interested in finances but it seems too hard.

5. Health: I feel very healthy but I think there's always room to improve, supplement, avoid more toxins and strengthen my body. This is one area I try to continuosly work on.

6. Physical Appearance: I am generally happy with the way I look. I like to change my hair up now and again and keep my wardrobe and accessories updated but I enjoy the way I look overall.

Letter to You

5.2.08 If you are just tuning in, welcome. This is my online archive of poetry, journal excerpts, freewriting, photography and the process of me - a work in progress. I love to write and express what I'm feeling even if my paper is the only thing that listens. My friend (sister) Shelly encouraged me to start an online blog and now I'm addicted! I love contributing to the dialogue of life - and if sharing my ideas, hopes, fears, doubts and questions helps anyone at all, then I have succeeded.

I love reading your stories too - learning what makes you tick and what you struggle with. I like to comment and give feedback but most often I tend to just observe, but I'm silently cheering you on as we all brave through this life together, leaping forward, fumbling backwards but always living, learning, loving and hopefully laughing along the way. So thank you for sharing and thank you for reading!

"If I could tell the world just one thing, it'd be, we're all okay" - Jewel

Backtalk

4.30.08 I'm feeling unglued, weighed down and convoluted. I found out that I let someone down bigtime, hurt them in a disasterous way that has majorally affected their perception of me. This is heartbreakingly devestating. The strange part is that this happened a long, long time ago but it's become apparent that the negative affect has hung over this relationship cursing it right from the start.

"Here's the things I meant but I never said" -The Starting Line

I know I messed up with friends before but it hasn't ruined our friendship, because that's what friends do, they hurt each other on accident and then they meet in the field of forgiveness and make amends. But maybe that's just the problem - that I wanted more - too much and some wounds just cut too deep I guess. It's really hard to accept when you've caused someone you care about pain and suffering.

"It'll never snow in Florida..." -NFG

I guess sometimes history has to repeat itself in order for you to truly learn and manifest a lesson from something like this. It's defeating to feel that despite my best efforts and intentions, what I have to offer will never be enough. I wonder, can we learn to cultivate acceptance for wrongs we know we can never make right?

Dealbreakers

4.30.08 "All I know is that I don't know...all I know is that I don't know nothing". -Operation Ivy

Some of my friends have been buzzing about dealbreakers lately. I have been giving it some thought. To an extent, I agree with my friend Joy. She says that ultimately, if you are really truly into someone - there are No dealbreakers. This resonates true on a lot of levels. Think about what you will deal with and put up with over someone you are smitten for. It can be both good and bad. But at the same time, we should all have standards, things that we know we should not stand for, or things that just won't work for us compatibility-wise.

For me personally, there has only ever been one dealbreaker - the ability to trust someone. When that is gone, I know the deal is over.

"You've lost your way with words, at least that's what I've heard. You've lost your way with words, and for me, what could be worse?" - The Starting Line

Delicious Friendship

4.20.08. Two thoughts for today. First of all, I am completely in love with my friend's daughter. Her name is Riley and she is absolutely the bomb. Everytime I talk to Jen on the phone, Riley wants to talk to me and although she's only 3, we have extraordinary conversations. She'll ask me how Disney World is and tell me what she's being for Halloween even though it's a long ways away. She'll remind me of the fun we had over Christmas when I played Hungry Hungry Hippos with her she says she likes her new little sister but that she didn't like her at first in the hospital. The precious innocence of her voice and the twinkle in her eye when she tugs at my hand to show me her newest toy is magical. I look forward to the days when she is older and we can hang out together and I can tell her what a crazy girl her mommy was. Tear!

"A kiss is never just a kiss, there's a whole universe of meaning contained in a kiss"

Other thought, I saw my juicy friend Liz this weekend. Lizard is a living, breathing fireball of fun. I hadn't seen her in 3 years, probably since our college graduation. She was one of the few people I clicked with while living in Illinois. When she and her hubby (my old boss from TGIF) moved an hour away from me in Florida, I was excited but we never ended up getting together. Finally I was going to be in the little seaside town of Melbourne for a concert so we would meet up for a drink but then at the last minute the concert was cancelled. I thought it'd still be a good opportunity for us to hang out so I went to visit her. It's awesome when you see someone who is just as you remembered them.

"Laughing so hard I've got tears in my eyes. Walk in the park, under sapphire skies..." - Gwen Stefani

Fooding for Thought

4.14.08. Exercise 13 - Having it All. The following exercise is designed to help you gain perspective on what this popular phrase means to you. In your journal or notebook, answer the following questions.

1) What does having it all mean to you? Specifically list all the things you want. Having it all means to me....having a long-lasting, secure, fulfilling relationship, while maintaining a successful career and living in a desireable place/home - having beautiful, healthy children and staying good-looking. Not getting fat.

2) If you did have it all, how would your life look? If I did have it all, I'd be married to someone I had a great amount of love and respect for. We'd be very much in love, dependent on each other and focused on personal growth, health, healing and whole living. I'd be a full-time mom raising our 3-5 lovely children and I'd also be an author and founder of Chi Tea - a successful local teahouse. We'd own a ranch house on the outskirts of Chester County and have a big yard with our own garden and pond. We'd have two cats and a dog. We'd have a fireplace pit and have lots of bonfires on cool nights and have a hot tub on our deck. My hubby and I would work out together and enjoy many physical activities. I would dance, bike, rollerblade and we'd do yoga and kickboxing. Maybe I'd teach some yoga classes on the side too.

3) Can you think of anyone who embodies the notion of having it all? I looked at Steve Irwin as someone who had it all, an adventurous life, he made a positive impact on the world and had a beautiful family and true love. Also Nicholas Sparks and M. Night Shamalyan seem to have it all to me - public success and a happy personal life.

4) When you think of attaining everything, does the idea seem overwhelming or actually possible? It does seem pretty overwhelming and I'm not really sure if it could be actually possible.

5) How do you think you would feel if you didn't eventually get it all? I think I'd feel sad but I'd still strive for a few of the things I really want.

One of the biggest obstacles female quarter-lifers create as we try to figure out what we want is setting goals that aren't specific or realistic. We buy into the myth of 'having it all' but often we don't itemize what that involves. We list things as 'great career' without really knowing what that means. We want a 'wonderful romantic relationship' but we hate dating and expect soul mates to just fall into our laps. We say we want self-confidence and balance, yet we judge and overextend ourselves. We moan and groan about our bodies, but we do not make exercise and healthy food part of our daily lives. The first step toward clairty and targeted action is to be percise and practical in our goal-setting rather than clinging to the pie-in-the-sky notion of having it all. -Christine Hassler

www.twentysomethingwoman.com

Blueberry Cobbler & Other Desserts

4.15.08. Yesterday I went to some meetings with my boss and it was a little strange spending the day with him and trying to make somewhat normal conversation. I asked him what the most challenging part is about running your own business and his answer surprised me. He said it was the personnel issues. He said the downfall of many great companies is usually because of personnel problems. I am kind of like a rock at work, so this was nice, in a sense to hear. Just knowing that more than likely, everyone is going through crap that might affect their productivity level. I don't know I'm like that because of how I was raised - my dad kept everything in our family super quiet... I have no problem letting people know what's going on in my life normally but at work, I am pretty closed up. I don't know why, maybe it's like show no weakness kind of thing, or I just don't want to give anyone there a reason to talk.

"We ain't got no place to go, let's go to the punk rock show" - MxPx

Alan & I went to see L.L Cool J this weekend and also The Starting Line. Quite the contrast of bands I suppose but both shows were a fun time. I found it funny how they portrayed LL as this larger than life iconic rap figure. I was amused more than anything at that show. The Starting Line is a punk band that really took me back to my carefree days of basement shows and cargo shorts. I love shows like that, the crowd is excited and the band is rocking out. It gives me great comfort to know that pretty much anywhere around the world you go, you can find a punk rock subculture. Alan whispered to me 'it's hard to believe we're at Disney World'. But there are people everywhere who identify with this following as I so strongly have. When I am at a show, it feels like we are all united. No differences matter, if you fall, someone picks you up. There's an unspoken understanding, everyone is looking out for one another. It's the kind of cohension you seldom experience in everyday life. House of Blues is a great venue. Another band called Bayside played too, they were pretty good.

"To all those who loved me so much, I'd like to return the favor and have something left to give.." - The Starting Line

Rock me

4.10.08. Belief Bio Exercise. What we believe and what we are told to believe often becomes emmeshed in our heads. This exercise is designed to help you recognize which beliefs you now hold. Often, we are unaware of our beliefs until we stop, think, and actually write them down. This exercise asks you to write a list of statements. Begin each statement with 'I believe'.

I believe there is a God.
I believe I can do anything.
I believe I am good looking.
I believe I am loved.
I believe the Earth is in danger.
I believe I am smart.
I believe I'm a good writer.
I believe I live healthy.
I believe Democrats have better ideas than Republicans.
I believe in miracles.

The three questions...freewrite the answers;

Who am I....
I am a youthful, bubbley, bright female. I'm a good friend and loyal lover. I'm a strong, independent woman, but always being helped by her family. I'm sensitive and shy, introverted and sometimes non communicative. I can be passive-aggressive. I'm an environmentalist, passionate and compassionate, joyful and loving. I'm a health-conscious consumer. I'm real.

What do I want...
I want honesty, loyalty, open communication, humor, halfway, tears of uncertainty, fun loving, good natured, big-hearted, adventurous person to spend creative time with. I want to have babies that I can grow like a garden. I want to make a HUGE difference in the world, have a firey impact, do great things that people will say 'Thank you Robin! Thank God you lived!'. I want to have lots of leisure time for myself. I want to be warm and smiled on by the sun.

How do I get what I want...
I get what I want by taking chances, by doing things differently, not conforming to the scripted plan. By being a good person, by listening to my heart and trusting the goodness in others. I get what I want by writing it down, making it real and taking baby steps towards the goal.

Animation Station

4.5.08. Here's what I'm thinking. Back when I was...naive, I used to think people who had been through all this crazy stuff had baggage and I thought that was bad. Everyone I'd ever gotten involved with who was riddled with 'stuff' would end up hurting me. But now I think of it more like 'experience' and that is actually a really good thing. It's only bad baggage if they don't reflect, learn and grow from it. Because then they will continue to repeat negative patterns but like in my own case - I've become quite an experienced women in this life and I think that's really wonderful. My past has shaped me into the women I've become and I am quite happy with myself.

"Impossible means I'm Possible! Plant all your impossible gardens, and see what blooms" -SARK

For awhile I was looking for someone who hadn't been through all the crap I had because I wanted to save them from the pain but now I know that just isn't possible. You don't become who you are without going through that stuff. So my plan backfired and I ended up hurt...again. Now, I would rather be with someone who has a big bulk of life experience under their belt because hopefully they will be able to teach me a few things.

"Have wild imaginings, transformative dreams and perfect calm"

I feel good because I realized that I can be happy in a relationship, or being single. One is not better than the other and should not be compared. The two are very different. I won't say I prefer one over the other but I do know that I am wonderful either way and that is happiness. I'm glad I got married, I love being married and I look forward to being that way again if it turns out that way. But otherwise I am radiant, and glowing and looking forward to independence and all the other joys about living. juicy. succulent. ripe. rare. female.

Have a go.

"I think it's possible to forget how ALIVE we really are. We can become dry and tired, just existing, instead of really living. We need to remind ourselves of the juice of life, and make that a habit" -SARK

Discovery Cove - Part II

3.31.08 This exercise is called Acting the Part. In this exercise, you investigate if and how your identity or the role you play changes in different situations. Notice all the ways - no matter how subtle - you adapt, feel or behave.

1)Who am I with my parents? With my parents, I am a person who speaks her mind, I'm a know-it-all, I can be presumptuous and slightly arrogant. I can act spoiled and moody. I am also fun-loving and seeking to acquire my parents advice and insights. I let myself be taken care of.

2)Who am I with the rest of my family? I'm a sassy sister with my brother. I'm a good-natured, sophisticated, adventuresome person who can emphasize with my brother's problems and also wants to drink in his life experiences. I'm not afraid to open up or be myself or express what I'm feeling.

3)Who am I with my friends? I'm an enthusiastic, free-spirited, juicy indiviual who asks deep life questions, seeks intimate connection and likes to bond over fun activities and conversation.

4)Who am I with men? I guess it depends who it is - therefore maybe I do camaflogue myself to a point. I'm not sure, I've been a different woman with every man I've been with I think. With male friends - I'm a succulent and sweet, smart but sometimes ditzy and usually funny female.

5)Who am I with someone I am dating/in a serious relationship with/married to? I'm a sincere and honest partner. I strive for harmonious balance. I mentally check in often to see if there are any problems to address. I give more than I take, I enjoy affection and compassion and tender intimacy. I enjoy doing things together and focusing on the other person, doing anything that allows for interaction.

6)Who am I with my coworkers/boss? I'm a little strange I think. I try to act professional but I don't know how to stop my personality from coming through. I try to assert myself and be serious but fun to be around at the same time.

7)Who am I with someone who intimadates me? I'm shy and withdrawn, I'm quiet - mostly just because I'm observing and I feel stuck.

8)Who am I with someone I don't like? I have an attitude, maybe a bit snooty or I just avoid them, I won't make eye contact or I'll just ignore their presence.

9)Who am I at work? I'm very focused, hard working, I'm task oriented, I'm stressed out, I'm freaking out and candidly funny, I'm looking for help but trying not to seem like I have no idea what I'm doing.

10)Who am I with a group of people? It depends on the group but I tend to blend in, I don't try for all the attention. I hone in on a few people I feel especially comfortable with and I focus on them mostly, maybe I isolate myself. Groups make me feel insecure, like I don't know my place.

11)Who am I in a social situation? I'm generally outgoing and upbeat. I try to get everyone to have a good time. I engage people in conversation and if I sense any akwardness, I act goofy even at the expense of making myself look dumb.

12)Who am I at a bar or party? I am interested in talking to people to more or less find out why they are there and what they are looking for. I'll try socializing with my friends but realizing it's more or less impossible - I'll just want to get drunk so I can mellow out and not really care what's going on since there are far more important things I could be doing with my time.