Saturday, March 22, 2008

Pineapple Juice


3.13.08. Two things I will never understand in life: beer and cigerettes.

As I walk through the airport I wonder how it is that I - the girl who used to be afraid of absolutely everything in life - could suddenly be so fearless. I feel incredibly strong and beautiful and confident today. I feel momentary peace.

"Love doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Love is not a relationship. Love is a state of being, it's the condition of our own heart" -Judy Ford

I found out that Patrick Swayze, one of my heros has pancreatic cancer. Another reminder of how important it is to live healthy and how fragile life is. I feel more than anything that these journals are letters to myself. They may be silly to someone else, they may sound neurotic and not make any sense at all but for me, they are validations that I do have a voice and that what I say and think matters emensely.

"Sages say that the path of wisdom is narrow and difficult to tread, as narrow as the edge of a razor" -Upanishads

I do feel comfortable in my skin and I feel radiating and high and yet I don't understand it because I am going through a divorce and everything I worked for - that I thought I wanted...is gone. What does that mean?? Is it weird that I question myself for feeling good?

I'm not sure of a lot of things in this world but I am sure of myself and my feelings. I learn a lot from other people but I really am my own best teacher. Geez -how did I get so self indulgent?

"We live in feelings, not in figures on a sundial. We should count time in heartbeats" -Aristotle

Everything in life to me seems like a gigantic poem or something. Beautiful, sad, and yet inspiring. My plane is here. I had harsh words with Brian tonight. I am disappointed that we cannot reach a place of understanding. It hurt that he said talking to me is like talking to a brick wall sometimes. I don't know why he would think that - the goal in a truly great partnership is to become ridiculously honest and comfortable with expressing your feelings and trying to let someone know how you feel and then putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Many people have told me that I'm open and easy to talk to. I am sorry that he didn't perceive me as safe to share his feelings with as I did. Perhaps that is what caused the breakdown of things. Communication is not just important, it is essential.

"Things won't always turn out as you hoped or planned, but if you seize opportunities, act diligently and fairly, and show goodwill towards others, you'll enjoy a full, rich life unburdened by regrets"

I'm trying to see things as they are and not as I are. Should I go home? Greener grass, bluer skies... or would that be a disaster? Trains, planes and tidal waves - they all crash down at some point. Goodnight.

Shake n' Bake


3.12.08. How do we solve our 26-year-old problems? The same way we did when we were 10. Swinging with Shelly by the dim glow of the tennis court lights, we talked and talked about the things that remain restless in our hearts. And as we pumped higher and higher, the world becomes light and our problems become tiny pebbles on the ground below us.

"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you" -Mary Tyler Moore

I've been reading my friend Alan's blogs and I'm a bit jealous to the degree that he is able to articulate his feelings. He's not afraid to show who he is and that's always the goal; to authentically align and communicate who you are deep down with your outward persona. Sometimes I feel that I'm really making progress and other times I'm crumbley.

"Where you are in conciousness has everything to do with what you see in experience" -Eric Butterworth

I read back some of these journal entries and I think 'oh my god, am I sharing too much?' If I put it all out there - who I really am, will I be too much work for people? I guess that's not really for me to decide. My job is just to express who I am no matter what.

"Remember always that you not only have the right to be an indiviual, you have an obligation to be one" -Eleanor Roosevelt

Alan also writes about trust and that's one thing I have a lot of experience with. I think people lie a lot of the time, whether it be big or small, we all harbor secrets and we do it to save face and to keep things good for ourselves. Knowing this fact, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust them right off the bat until they give me a reason not to. And then it depends on the degree of distrust, usually I'll just start to really tread with caution but sometimes it's sadly been that I've had to end relationships entirely. I think that trust will always be a challenge and I would like to think that someday I will be able to be that intimate with someone that I can truly feel secure.

"Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one's courage" -Anais Nan

Things that make me happy
1) Cats - watching animals
2) Shopping - buying new things for myself
3) Traveling - new places, especially the beach
4) Being loved, cared about by my friends, Shelly
5) Finding (trying) to find meaning in life, making progress
6) Having comfort, stability in a relationship, sleeping cuddley
7) Reading - getting lost in a good book, and writing down my feelings
8) Postive feedback
9) Going to church, singing praises to the Spirit and surrendering to love
10) Feeling strong on my own

"Character is molded by self reliance"