Animation Station

4.5.08. Here's what I'm thinking. Back when I was...naive, I used to think people who had been through all this crazy stuff had baggage and I thought that was bad. Everyone I'd ever gotten involved with who was riddled with 'stuff' would end up hurting me. But now I think of it more like 'experience' and that is actually a really good thing. It's only bad baggage if they don't reflect, learn and grow from it. Because then they will continue to repeat negative patterns but like in my own case - I've become quite an experienced women in this life and I think that's really wonderful. My past has shaped me into the women I've become and I am quite happy with myself.

"Impossible means I'm Possible! Plant all your impossible gardens, and see what blooms" -SARK

For awhile I was looking for someone who hadn't been through all the crap I had because I wanted to save them from the pain but now I know that just isn't possible. You don't become who you are without going through that stuff. So my plan backfired and I ended up hurt...again. Now, I would rather be with someone who has a big bulk of life experience under their belt because hopefully they will be able to teach me a few things.

"Have wild imaginings, transformative dreams and perfect calm"

I feel good because I realized that I can be happy in a relationship, or being single. One is not better than the other and should not be compared. The two are very different. I won't say I prefer one over the other but I do know that I am wonderful either way and that is happiness. I'm glad I got married, I love being married and I look forward to being that way again if it turns out that way. But otherwise I am radiant, and glowing and looking forward to independence and all the other joys about living. juicy. succulent. ripe. rare. female.

Have a go.

"I think it's possible to forget how ALIVE we really are. We can become dry and tired, just existing, instead of really living. We need to remind ourselves of the juice of life, and make that a habit" -SARK

Discovery Cove - Part II

3.31.08 This exercise is called Acting the Part. In this exercise, you investigate if and how your identity or the role you play changes in different situations. Notice all the ways - no matter how subtle - you adapt, feel or behave.

1)Who am I with my parents? With my parents, I am a person who speaks her mind, I'm a know-it-all, I can be presumptuous and slightly arrogant. I can act spoiled and moody. I am also fun-loving and seeking to acquire my parents advice and insights. I let myself be taken care of.

2)Who am I with the rest of my family? I'm a sassy sister with my brother. I'm a good-natured, sophisticated, adventuresome person who can emphasize with my brother's problems and also wants to drink in his life experiences. I'm not afraid to open up or be myself or express what I'm feeling.

3)Who am I with my friends? I'm an enthusiastic, free-spirited, juicy indiviual who asks deep life questions, seeks intimate connection and likes to bond over fun activities and conversation.

4)Who am I with men? I guess it depends who it is - therefore maybe I do camaflogue myself to a point. I'm not sure, I've been a different woman with every man I've been with I think. With male friends - I'm a succulent and sweet, smart but sometimes ditzy and usually funny female.

5)Who am I with someone I am dating/in a serious relationship with/married to? I'm a sincere and honest partner. I strive for harmonious balance. I mentally check in often to see if there are any problems to address. I give more than I take, I enjoy affection and compassion and tender intimacy. I enjoy doing things together and focusing on the other person, doing anything that allows for interaction.

6)Who am I with my coworkers/boss? I'm a little strange I think. I try to act professional but I don't know how to stop my personality from coming through. I try to assert myself and be serious but fun to be around at the same time.

7)Who am I with someone who intimadates me? I'm shy and withdrawn, I'm quiet - mostly just because I'm observing and I feel stuck.

8)Who am I with someone I don't like? I have an attitude, maybe a bit snooty or I just avoid them, I won't make eye contact or I'll just ignore their presence.

9)Who am I at work? I'm very focused, hard working, I'm task oriented, I'm stressed out, I'm freaking out and candidly funny, I'm looking for help but trying not to seem like I have no idea what I'm doing.

10)Who am I with a group of people? It depends on the group but I tend to blend in, I don't try for all the attention. I hone in on a few people I feel especially comfortable with and I focus on them mostly, maybe I isolate myself. Groups make me feel insecure, like I don't know my place.

11)Who am I in a social situation? I'm generally outgoing and upbeat. I try to get everyone to have a good time. I engage people in conversation and if I sense any akwardness, I act goofy even at the expense of making myself look dumb.

12)Who am I at a bar or party? I am interested in talking to people to more or less find out why they are there and what they are looking for. I'll try socializing with my friends but realizing it's more or less impossible - I'll just want to get drunk so I can mellow out and not really care what's going on since there are far more important things I could be doing with my time.

Lack of Sleep

3.29.08. I'm a little buzzed right now. Had a great night at Mardi Gras with Shelly, Jolyon and some new friends. Corey-free-stuff Short gave me an annual pass to Universal Studios. Holy crap. I can't believe he did that. So I had a good time needless to say. Mardi gras was a lot like Horror Nights sans the people jumping out and scaring you. We saw Heart play, I think they're an 80's band. I want to go back in two weeks to see L.L. Cool J.

"Life is conflict. Entertainment is when conflict happens to other people" -Christopher Walken

I haven't been sleeping well. I got these all natural sleeping pills and they are helping me fall asleep but I keep waking up at like 4am for some reason. I think I suck at sleeping alone.