3.11.02. I am starting to hate work more and more everyday even though there's nowhere else I'd rather work and even though I love my major, there's no job I really want. I'm so pissed that I can't be a rock star singer. That's the life I want to lead. That's all I want to do.
"Don't dream it, be it" -Rocky Horror Picture Show
I'm writing my mom a letter for her birthday about memoirs I have of her and it made me get all sad thinking about how maybe my intense lonliness comes from missing her from my life.
I feel really ugly and fat today. I don't want to be seen. I am so sick of feeling down. Sick of trying to have hope. I'm sick of Aaron avoiding me. It hurts so bad. I guess if I want to write I should try to get some of my stuff published. But see I'm so unmotivated. I'm so lazy. Maybe I should minor in Marketing...I don't even care. It's really nice out today. I don't want to work, I just want to move to Florida where I should be right now and be happy. Instead I'm miserable.
"All our knowledge has it's origins in our perceptions" -DaVinci
I'm so jealous of Jill. I just want to be near her. I miss her essence. She is so positive, she knows how to let go and enjoy life. She says she's happy about moving to Ohio. Why can't something really good happen to me? Why am I always playing this victim...I drown myself in sorrows. I listen to this music I love but it's not good all the time. I was all ready to sleep in today but the freakin fire alarm went off. Geeez. I also feel I've become a slave to AIM. It's pathetic. It's an addiction I should really break. There's more to life than waiting around for stupid people. Why do I do this? I need to just DO things. To hell with people who don't care...sniff. I want to cry but I don't remember how.
"There is something about holding onto things that I find therapeutic" -Edna O'Brien
3.22.02. I'm so stressed out. I can't even begin to say. I'm worried that I'm not going to pass two of my classes and the one, it's my second time taking it. What if I have to drop out of my major..or out of school? When I do try to study and do work, I can't concentrate. I get so distracted. The stuff we're learning about sucks. It's boring.
"We look too much to museums. The sun coming up in the morning is enough" - Romche Bearden
Everything is happening before my eyes. Everything is going too fast. I can't control it. I'm going to die soon and everyone will forget about me. I need to do something great. I need to make a difference. I need to have a baby. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever fall in love again..
"And sundials, what good are sundials, once the sun is gone?" -Alkaline Trio
I mean I'm 'in love' right now but...I can't have it. Because it's too perfect and happy endings don't exist in this life. I'm sick of fighting it though, my feelings for him. I'm sick of telling myself I don't care when I do more than anything. Why. Why. Why. Can't we always speak our minds...our feelings. Even writing this out doesn't seem to release all this energy. I'm so torn in so many ways. When will I get to travel? I have to take a class this summer...I have to see my brother. I have to appreciate my parents. I'm losing out and I'm living on memories and I don't like it. There are so many books at my work that I want to read. There are so many movies I want to see. There's so many paths I could take but I'm not. There's not enough time. I hate feeling this way. Overwhelmed. If I can't be with Brad then will my feelings ever fade? Will I ever fall out of love with him? Please God, make it stop, make me forget. The pain is killing me. Why is school so fucking hard? Am I stupid? Why are all careers so competative? Will I ever make anything out of myself? When will I write songs? Design greeting cards? Make up a board game? When will I have time? I need a routine other than chaos.
"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap" -Carrie Snow
No comments:
Post a Comment