7.2.07. Not sure if I should even be writing this awful realization. One day, sitting alone I'll look back and remember the calm before the storm. Today, maybe yesterday, maybe even on my wedding day, I realized that this marriage may not last. Not even a year as a married couple and I am ready to throw in the towel. No, I am not a quitter but it would seem that my husband is. He has betrayed my trust and shattered my reality of what I thought was the perfect relationship.
"The pain now is part of the happiness then, that's the deal" -Shadowlands
Yes, I've been through this all before...a little better built this time, I could almost have seen it coming. But disappointed still nonetheless. More afraid to let the world know, they've all been routing for us, thinking we'd definately be the ones to make it. I could play the part for sure, go on and ignore this ugly sin - maybe I even should. But how would that be honoring myself as a person? As a woman?
"I feel like swiss cheese. What goes inside the lonley holes?"
It's like a violent blow to the stomach and it creeps up when you least expect it knocking the wind out of you and leaves you gasping for breath. Suddenly everything is spinning in circles, in waves and you cannot think straight or at all, and for a minute, it's funny...ironic almost, you've come to expect it if anything. But the moment in which you realize that it is real, nothing can change it, the rug is ripped from under you. What to do? Where to go? How to go on? How do you divorce anyway? It's expensive I bet.
"It's the place that you come to fear the most..." -Dashboard Confessional
Thank God we don't have kids yet. What went wrong? Routine. That's life. "It's not like the movies". That's what you said. What would you think now? 'Haha...serves you right...' 'Wanna hang out?' Sellout again.
"The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love" -Lisa Lobe
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