Breaking Up

1.1.03. Happy 2003! Let's Rock. Half of this year will be spent in the warm blissful and sunny state of Florida. For that, I am excited! Last night was one hell of a New Years. The best I have had actually. The only bad part was that Sean and I kind of broke up. He told me that he is afraid I'm going to get hurt when I leave. He's like "I don't do long distance relationships." I told him I knew all this coming into it so it's not his problem. Then he's like 'I can see you falling in
L-O-V-E' because I show my emotions and he's not ready to show his and isn't ready for commitment. I was like well then this must be ideal for you since I'm leaving. He was like 'See I told you I was a mean asshole' and I was like 'No, thank you for being honest with me'. I told him that things are great between us and that we're both going to get hurt when I leave to whatever degree but it doesn't mean we should stop hanging out because of it.

Really, Sean is great. He is exactly what I feel I needed to experience. He makes me less afraid to go away and let go of things because I realize I can love another person. That I can have another relationship with someone. A good one none-the-less! He makes me feel confident enough to truly walk away from the stuff I've been dealing with here. I wonder what I must be for him.

Zane came in the room and I told him how Sean likes me but can't be with me because of 'emotional issues' and Zane said 'No, Sean's just a big teddy bear! Deep down. Right. Sean was laughing the whole time.

"Where were we?" he asked when Zane left. "You were breaking my heart?" I offered. "Oh right! See no, I feel really bad because I shouldn't have it to break. I hate hurting people, espeically someone as good as you". Well it's weird because yes he is hurting me but it's also a relief because I've been through much worse. It's not so bad you know. Maybe that's a good sign. I think I can handle anything.

He was telling me about his issues, "So you don't want to get attached to anything because you can't deal with those feelings yet?" "Exactly" he said. Oh Lord, the story of every guy... 'Hey, I'm a brick wall and it's taken years of practice to achieve that'. Grrr. I hate this line. How do they do it?? I don't understand. I want to try but it'd be so not me.

Like Maria said in that Roswell episode "Me? I'm teflon babe. A guy starts to act like a jerk and I just walk away". Right....

Sigh. I just love the whole experience of dating people. You really find out what you like/need/etc. I can't not be emotional/expressive. We're supposed to be Dammit! It's a good thing. Why do boys hide, cover up, run away? Look at me like I'm a freak! Feelings aren't fun unless you get to share them..

"Cheer up my friends all say, you're better alone anyway" -New Found Glory

Places I want to work
1) Somewhere with animals
2) Hotel
3) Airport
4) Publication place, writers, magazine

1.5.03. Red is the color of my feelings today. I think I L-U.. L-O.. Lust Sean a lot. Sigh. I don't want to go away now. I want to take him along. I want him to be here waiting when I get home.

It's nice to feel this way again with someone normal. NORMAL!

"As women, we deserve to be fully met, deeply loved and equally at play in the process of loving" -SARK

Gosh I am leaving so soon. It feels like I'm dying in one place and going to be reborn somewhere else. I've never experienced anything like this before. It's so strange.

"We must be open to adventure - seek it out, ask questions, dare to talk to strangers" -Unknown

I've been thinking about the person I marry... that they should be a deep true friend. Strip away that whole sex appeal and games and it would have to be someone who just downright cares and wants to be with you for you. All of you. Through time. It's a long haul. I want to love better. I don't feel good at it right now. They would also have to be someone who is not terribly needy. At first they would be your center, encompass everything but that phase would pass and they'd have to be good at sort of being in the background while I realize the rest of my dreams and work on the other aspects of my life. I mean there has to be this really good balance because with some people, they might start to feel neglected at this point and look for love elsewhere. This person would have to be self-reliant and confident and have an enormous amount of faith and trust in the 'Us-ness'.

I have a headache. They've been coming rather frequently. Maybe I'm mentally stressed. I think I'm getting sick. What if something is really wrong with me?

"You don't have to be a famous person just to make your mark" -Gwen

1.9.03. Causeway to Emotion. Do you like it? It's what I want to call my first book. Or maybe more like I Can't Deal with the Real. Lol.

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tunes without words and never stops at all" -Emily Dickenson