A Bad Year

Betrayal

I should have seen it coming...all things considered, but I didn't. I wanted to believe that things would work out between us. But then I learned that it wasn't anyone's fault. We were just as different as any two people could be. I just wanted to be happy and in love. I didn't know how bad things could get or when to walk away. I call it my weird phase. I detached from everything but you.
I look back in disbelief, was that really me? How could I have been so blind, so naive, so stupid? So much pain, so many tears. And it wasn't worth it. Because look what I got in the end. I trusted you so much. How will I ever be able to trust anyone again...if you did it...and it was so agaisnt your morals, everything you stood for. I don't understand. I don't know how I got through the summer. Things kept getting worse... each day something more would surface. I was just walking numbness. There was no relief. Sleepless nights and days I thought would never end. There wasn't anyone who could comfort me. I just wanted you to feel the pain that I did. That was the bottom. All loss of hope, complete despair. That is where you left me. And the anger I felt...it was so strong, it tried to break me. I rarely get angry...somehow though, I got through it. I got over it. I still can't think about it too much. I try to erase from my memory all those bad times. I'm okay now. I really am. You won't believe me, but I can forgive you. I need to. It's part of the strength I've found. I'm sorry you say you can't forgive yourself.

written 1.10.02