Unglued

12.14.02.

New Years Resolutions 2003
1) Say No More
2) Be Real Always
3) Don't just 'make out'
4) Forgive Myself

Brad and I were talking about how most people just don't have a clue. How they are stupid and just do things without thinking. I know I'm way aware of my thoughts and feelings and actions most of the time but I think this is necessary, essential even. I wouldn't want to be one of those mindless people who sit around and don't do anything purposeful with their lives.

"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi

12.19.02. I'm beginning to realize that I might not find people who inspire me, love that is true or a job that satisfies me. I think that for most people, it must sadly be this way.

"I certainly do not wish to alter the world, but perhaps it would be better to say that I hope to change my vision of the world" -Henry Miller

Ugh, sometimes I want so badly to be nice to everyone at work but something is always holding me back. It seems to take too much effort.

12.25.02. Merry Christmas Journal. Chris sent me a text message this morning that said "Merry Christmas, you are always in my heart and I want you to know that". We went to Jersey today to see the relatives. Tracey showed me her pictures from Australia, looks like she had a really great time. Makes me anxious to start my own adventure.

Change, change, growing, packing, learning, leaving.

12.29.02. Sean and I hung out the other night and had a really great time. He had to housesit for his boss so we went and watched Van Wilder. It was funny and the cat was snuggling up with me the whole time. Sean started telling me how I'm so naive and not 'street smart'. Oh please, tell me something I don't know. Then he was saying that he's a realist and rational and I'm such a dreamer, fantasy-liver type. He's like 'you're so goofy, you're like a little girl'. I think Sean is afraid of getting close with me, espeically since I'm leaving. He's starting to do that whole 'girls are evil' thing. Sigh...and he started out as such a gentleman..

I keep thinking of this sunrise I saw on an airplane one time. It was just soo beautiful. I mean we were in Philly and it was pouring rain and as soon as we took off, we rose up to witness this tremendous sunrise. For a brief couple minutes, I let myself enjoy it. I released my fear of flying, and just gazed out at the mighty world. I felt so tiny. I felt powerless to all of nature and the forces out there. My world shrunk below farther and farther. The clouds looked like mountains of cotton candy. They formed castles in the sky.

12.31.02. My mom has been really depressed lately. She said to me last night "At least people with cancer die, there's an end to their suffering." I didn't know what to say. I feel like I'm not good at being there for her. I'm not good at comforting. She was like 'I'm envious of everyone I see because they are healthy.' Then she said she was sad because everyone left and I will be soon too. "Everyone is moving on, except me...I can't...I'm even jealous of the cat." Oh mommy.

Why? Why? Why? Why isn't there ANYTHING they can do?? When will they find a cure? It's not fair. At all. Not even slightly.

She told me that she's so lonely because no one can understand. So alone. She is so brave. She doesn't want to bring us down. I have so many reasons to be sad, bitter, depressed but I can't even manage to cry anymore. Won't let myself feel it.

(Zan sitting next to me...is such a precious gift, how I love life and all of it's imperfections)

It's like this song Maria sings in Roswell:

"You can look at life as one big fall, life will be both hell and bliss or it will be nothing at all. So I just ask you now to choose...don't you think it's worth it, even if we could still lose.."

It's hell and bliss, pain and pleasure, love and hate, it's two opposites, it's a paradox and so much more.

Don't expect things from people.

All these lessons that I've learned from growing and experience, I have to remember to apply and reapply to my life.

All these references at my disposal..I need to be reminded of everyday.

I want to keep my heart sweet and be pure.

It's hard with all the outside forces called the world---->culture - bustle of life always pulling me away from my core - my values. I find myself acting other ways than I know I am.

Patterns, patterns.

"I always waste my time with my chemical emotions, they keep my head spinning around" -Green Day

People always say I'm spacey. Ditzy, in my own little world.

They should be too. We all need to keep in check. Self awareness.

I don't claim my feelings. I make generalized statements like 'Men are this' etc. even when I'm trying to be aware. I tend to catch myself after I say it. I need to own my feelings and describe where they come from instead of just letting people attach a label to me any time I state an opinion. It's harder than it sounds.

It's ironic that when we want to connect with others, it seems like we have to leave ourselves. That whole halfway thing... I need to let go of wanting/trying to control. But it seems like the only way to navigate my life.

"When I was young I thought that the world circled around me. But in time, I realized I was alone." -Green Day

The thing I think keeps it all interesting, moving and flowing is that everything which seems hopeless one night when I go to bed, is replaced with new hope, new ideas and new plans the next day. There's this driving force that keeps us going. A new chance, beginning, road, a way to make it better, a strategy, a belief that somehow we've got information now that will maybe allow us...to win.

As if that really happens for anyone but we truly believe that for us, it might be different. Imortality. Infinite life, love and happiness.

Waiting in the sunset, at the end of a rainbow that we can never reach.

"I am beauty-full no matter what they say, words can't bring me down. I am beauty-full in every single way, yes words can't bring me down" -Christina Augurilla

The problem with moments is that we can't hold onto them no matter how hard we try. As soon as they are realized, the power of the moment is lost.

Tumbling Down

9.18.02. I think I figured Steve out from Video Update. He argues with people constantly. No matter what the issue is, he'll take the opposite viewpoint. But I think it's because he's afraid to get close to people and disagreeing is his way of keeping people at a distance. He laughed when I said this but I'm pretty sure it's true.

"What's a bond, if it dissolves in water?" - Saves the Day

I saw him today. For the first time since April. No..we hung out once over the summer..but anyway, I went over his house to get my CD back. It was weird. I wonder what he thinks of me. I wish I knew.

9.21.02. Okay, it's Saturday now. Things are not going well. I am feeling icky, grudgey, mean and isolated in my thought process. Things have not turned out how I would have thought or liked but it's like that ususally...when we have some pre-planned idea or expectation, it never works out that way.

"From experience comes knowledge, from knowledge comes strength, and strength helps you move on" - E-Town Concrete

I seriously have to move out of West Chester. I can't hang out with anyone. Why is it always like this? Why do I always want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Great, it's raining out now. Okay, so I have to make a change but I don't know what. I want to get out of this town and just travel. Or live somewhere else. It isn't good to hang out with CKY b/c I'm reminded of what I'm not doing in the world and I feel jealous of their success. I don't want to live vicariously through someone. I want to do something great! There are all these people I admire who are living their dreams and I'm like dude, what am I doing wasting time?!

"And everything you hoped would last, always becomes your past" - Song Lyric

10.3.02. I worry. All the time. About everything. Everything feels so messed up inside. I think my kitty is really sick. What if it was my fault? I gave him some honey yesterday... what if his water was dirty or something got in his food... I always make plans for myself of things I need to do but then I feel overwhelmed so I break them, I think just so I can feel the relief. I saw Todd today. Actually he saw me. He said hi and I was caught off guard. I hate when that happens. I want new shoes. New bras. I want new. I have clothes I never wear and I don't want that. I want only things I reallly love. I want comfort. I can't have everything. I want massages and a hair stylist. I want people to be kind when I can't be myself.

"Just a small town girl, livin in a lonley world.." - Journey

10.8.02. Joy is awesome, awesome, awesome. We went to Denny's for breakfast this morning and it was the perfect beginning to my day. She's such a kind, genuine person. She always has uplifting advice for me and brave true messages. She never withholds affection and she always tells me good things about myself. She knows what's not super about me but she doesn't mind. The more I see wonderful things in people, the more I realize what I don't want, what's not real and what's unhealthy.

Sometimes I wonder why I write down my thoughts so much because it's never going to mean anything to anyone else and sometimes it makes me sick to read back at what I was thinking during certain times of my life. I mean certain places I just wouldn't want to go back to you know? But I had to write it down anyway because writing helps me get through it. I can't throw away my journals either. I mean it's like...my life. Maybe I need to change the format or something.

"I am willing and able, so I throw my cards on your table" - Bob Marley

We saw Alex last night at Vegetarian Kingdom and he just seemed different. Older maybe, more mature? No, he was actually more weird. I don't know. He asked about Kara of course.. some things never change.

I think the thing that bothers me the most right now is that all my friends from high school are living a different life now except me. Same town, same crowd. It's sick. I need to move on but I don't know how.

"I need your love, I just need someone's approval, to get me where I am" - Boy Sets Fire

11.12.02. Here's what I'm thinking about boys. I have never been in a relationship where I've felt true emotional support and compassion. It makes me wonder if I can really find a guy that will or if this is just the difference between guys and girls. I just don't want to end up like my mom with this big emotional void. Chris was great to talk to about things but he didn't give me empathy when I needed it. I was thinking about how when you fall in love and you are older, it's probably a lot different from falling in love when you're young. Because you have a job and a schedule and it's probably hard to make plans. Young love makes it feel like there's all the time in the world.

I was telling Chris about my fear of roommates because of my two bad experiences and he said what Janine said - maybe it's me. Gulp...which makes me like myself even less. He's like 'you shouldn't be afraid of people judging you and whatnot because most people are as clueless about themselves as you are.'

Then there is my fear about knowing what I want, depsite how different it is from most people's ideals, working hard to get it but then realizing once I get it that maybe I don't want it anymore or not having anything to share it with. Chris said 'So then you just do something different.' Just like that.

"Women deserve rich, emotional, intimate lives" - SARK

12.3.02. Okay, breathe. It is abnormally cold out. The whole way to class the wind smacked my face. "I'm moving to Florida" is all I could think. I feel sad all of a sudden. I can't believe I'm going to be moving out of my house. And how am I going to get along without seeing Jen? I'll have to write her everyday. It's weird to think I won't have any school work to do. The worst part of all is that I won't be able to be around my mom anymore. She needs me, my spirit. She is going to become so depressed and I will feel horribly guilty. I already do. It's not fair. NOT. NOT. NOT. There's nothing I can do. I want her to move to Florida too. She would be so happy. I can't make her feel better. Nothing can. Nothing will. There's nothing left to hope for or hold onto and that is just the worst thing that could happen. Having to see her suffer...it is just too much.

"I have found all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away, again" -Fuel

I haven't been sleeping well because all this stuff keeps flowing through my mind. I want peace and positivity. But it seems so unacheiveable at times. I want to give my mom the love she deserves. The love she always gave me. She is the reason I am who I am. She is the reason I will never give up. Because she can still manage a smile through it all. I am realizing now all the love I feel for her. How clear it seems now and how much I've been missing out on and shutting out for the past several years. I feel terrible. She needs game time, massages, cry sessions. I have not BEEN THERE. I looked everywhere else for love and something to make me feel better when all along I never had to lose it when she got sick. I could have given back but I chose not to because I was afraid of seeing how hurt she was, and because I was afraid of letting her see how hurt I am..

"I can't live...if living is without you" -Mariah Carey

12.5.02. I asked my mom last night what her favorite memory was and she said 'Having you and Randy.' Sweetness! 'It was awesome just holding this precious little baby and knowing it came out of you, it's such a miracle.' Birth. Life. It does seem to me like the ultimate act of love. I can imagine the transformation that would take place in my if I had a child. It may very well be a possibility...but not for a long long time. My mom is the utmost example of the kind of mom I want to be. She is the living image of 'being love'. The ultimate goal. My guardian angel.

It just tears me up inside to think that my mom must have 0% self love, because how could she love a body that so betrayed her, and failed her. How can she love herself when nothing works except her mind but what good is that to her now... she doesn't feel loved by her husband, she feels like a burden, never feeling wanted or needed passionately. I cannot imagine what she must go through. I should not even pity myself ever. She does not give up, neither should I.

"The space between, what's wrong and right is where you'll find me...waiting for you. The space between, your heart and mine" - Dave Matthews

Oh, I just want to talk about my feelings. I want a world where nothing is held back or not expressed. I want clear, consistent and constant communication with everyone. I want to express my deepest fears and tell people what bothers me and what is good.

I want to take art classes and dance and yoga and I want lots of stretching for the parts of me that ache.

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present" - Jan Glidewell

Janine took me to this place called Simon and Pierce, where they sell hand blown glass and it was kind of dumb. I thought because why spend so much money on something so breakable? It doesn't make sense.

"Good Grief" - Charlie Brown

Moonlighting

6.4.99. So much has changed since last year and I can only imagine the differences to come next year. I know I cannot accept things anymore, or put my mind to sleep. I must always question and challenge to understand and be free. I cannot describe my lonlines, but is it really that bad? Do I want anyone to share it with?

"We have a screen of ideas between us and another person, so we never really meet that person." - Krishnamurti

Writing Obstacles
- I never know where to begin
- I always feel overwhelmed with ideas, they come and go too quickly
- I feel unoriginal
- I feel limited by time
- I fear my work won't be understood
- I fear my work will be rejected
- I feel it's too much work for me to handle
- I don't know how to tie it all together
- I don't know which ideas are really good
- I wish I could better bring to life the images from my head but I can't draw what I visualize

Queen Elizabeth

Dance with me
Oh ballerina girl
Master of the arts
Leader on the stage of life
Queen of all men's hearts

Teach me how to move like you
Full of such beauty and grace
Never a slip up, never a fall
Smile permantely stretched across your face

I want to wear a costume
Bright with sequins and color
I want to be the best
I want to watch the world applaud for me
And know I'm better than the rest

So take me in your arms Queen Elizabeth
Please give me a dancing lesson
Look into my eyes and see
You'll hear my heart's confession

I don't want mediocracy
I refuse to walk through life unseen
Twirling, spinning when the final curtain falls
They'll say she was the dancing queen

written 1.12.06

Toe Pick

4.15.01. Here's what I don't understand. If 'love' is really how I imagine it is (and I'm guessing it isn't) then everyone would be all swooning and googley-eyed all the time. Everyone would be happy, walking on sunshine, butterflies in their stomachs. No one would forget how wonderful their significant other is. They would honor and respect the other person. Treat them like gold. Why isn't it like that? Why do people become so careless, so lazy? Love is so beautiful, it's never ending. Why don't people act like that forever. It's like it - stops. Then they find another person and then take them for granted. It sucks.

"All love is based on the search for spirit" - Arnetha Paul

I am so scared. Of everything. I'm scared of my body getting sick and doing things I don't want it to do. I think what I'm most afraid of about being in a relationship is letting it become routine. Boring. An institution. That's what I loved about Chris. It never got that way because we didn't let it. Oh, to be there again. But maybe not.

"On an island in the sun, we'll be playing and having fun" - Weezer

4.15.02. Whomever I end up with is going to be a lucky man. I can say that because I know it's true. I should be very picky in making sure I get back all that I give. It sucks though because I feel like I'm very rare. I give more than most people I know. This makes me somehow think I'll be left wanting. Unsatisfied. But I guess as long as I'm happy in my heart, that's all I need. And I am.

I watched this movie today called Enchanted April and this old lady said 'People are always pairing off. It seems like the only way they can be happy." Hmm..I've definetely always been a pairing off kind of girl. I suffered a lot with Chris. I see that now. And I still have a hard time letting him go...the relationship itself. The bigger stuff. Our connection with the natural world. All the times we spent outside. In woods. Near train tracks. Those are the things I miss.

"Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life. How'd I get so faithful to my freedom, a selfish kind of life. When all I ever wanted was the simple things, a simple kind of life..." - Gwen Stefani

Sex is so beautiful. Oh there is so much to write about!

4.20.02. Man...my mom and I got in a big fight today. She started talking mad religious stuff to me so I put her in her place. We both started crying. Then she's telling me about how she was nearly engaged to this dentist guy but she prayed about it and realized he wasn't the right one for her and if she married him she'd end up emotionally abused and all this stuff. I'm like oh what and dad's the perfect husband? Please. I was like 'you don't know how your life would have turned out because you didn't choose that.' But she is convinced she does know. She keeps saying how she always gets signs and if she doesn't listen then bad stuff happens to her...I'm like right. How come I don't get signs? Maybe I should pay more attention to that kind of stuff. I dunno, I guess I just try to handle it on my own. Maybe there is a plan... I'm so tired now from crying. It sucks. I can't wait til next weekend so I can move my room. My room now is suffacating me. I called my brother today and he was like 'well you'll be on your own soon enough'. I guess. Sometimes I just think my mom is just nuts.

"Remember, the Universe is watching. Do the right thing. Be kind".

The things I miss, the things I don't.

4.15.02. I think the hardest thing about life is knowing you'll never be a finished product. No matter what goal you're working for, it's always going to be a process. A battle. Sometimes you're winning, other times you're losing. But you're always doing, coming, going.

I smelled the grass today. I love the smell of grass. It's so comforting. Brings me back to my childhood.

I gotta get away. From school. From my family. I miss Chris. We could do anything.

I feel like a caged animal. I need to be wild and free like the ocean.

"In the sweet bye and bye, we will meet on that beautiful shore"

Journal, Journal, Journal, sometimes I forget that I really am my own best friend. I love writing with colored pens. I have been doing so much soul searching lately. I can't seem to put my pen down. Last night online Brad and I were talking briefly and he didn't seem like he was in a talkative mood so I signed off quickly for fear of where the conversation might end up.

"A soulmate is someone who makes you think and feel in a new way. One who opens up your soul"

I'm reading Sabrina Ward Harrison's book called Spilling Open and it's inspiring me so much. She talks about how she came from her mom so she wants to know everything about her. I never thought of it like that before. I came from my mom.

4.9.02. It's Jill's birthday. Kara is so funny. She IMed me last night and was like 'Our Jill?" I feel sorta bad. That David guy called me last night and I was like 'Can I call you back?' but I didn't. Matt and I went to the Country Squire Diner last night. I had a really good time with him. I've noticed that Matt has become this incredibly open person. I never thought he would change but it's really nice. I was just spitting out all of my thoughts to Matt, but somehow it feels like even when you're trying to completely bare your soul, it still isn't enough. There's still more you can't express.

I told my dad that David is a wedding planner and he said 'Sounds like a fruitcake to me!'

"Will you stay with me now, don't leave this town, until we figure out...between the two of us, we're strong enough, I feel it in your touch" - The Anniversary

Worries I've had:
1. Losing everything I love
2. Being yelled at
3. Fires
4. Being made fun of
5. No ideas
6. Not being able to 'handle it all'
7. Mean tricks
8. Dissapointing someone I love
9. Not being brave enough
10. Not being funny enough
11. Being very lonley
12. Not being beautiful enough

Everyone is selfish. In different ways. Everyone is so faulted. But I can love those faults about my family and friends. It's just hard when it's my *love*. I want those people to be perfect and faultless.

I said to Matt last night 'Remember when there wasn't AOL?' And he was like 'Yeah, and people were happy.' Oh that's so true! Then he said 'AOL killed people's social skills.' True enough. I think it's weird how we create conflicts for ourselves. All the time. And then something big like 9/11 happens and all those little conflicts seem soo dumb and pointless.

"Look for the dream that keeps coming back"

In Passing

4.1.02. My Literature professor thinks no one is interested in her class. I am. It's my favorite class and I think she's amazing. I feel compelled to tell her this but my shyness holds me back.

"I never had any closer friends, then the ones I had when I was young" - The Ataris

4.8.02. Last night Matt asked me 'why do girls have to be so attractive?' And I said 'because they have to be'. And then I thought about this. Girls have to be so attractive so boys will want to have sex with them and make babies. It's strange, how nature works.

4.10.02. I had some bad dreams last night. Lots of abandonment.

"And I try the best I can, but who can understand, civilized man?" - Shelter

I think I need to start looking people in the eyes more. Start seeing more deeply into people. Because I know so deeply what's inside of me but it sure doesn't feel seen by many people. I feel so inspired by Sabrina Ward Harrison's books. She said there needs to be more 'journey books'. This gives me hope. Perhaps there is room in this world for my thoughts yet. Oh I am so young.

"To know you, is to love you" - Madonna

Right now I feel like I can do anything. ANYTHING! Make art, make music, make life! I'm so excited. So inspired. There are kindred spirits out there just like me. I really want to deepen my connections with people. Be a beautiful example of the love that I feel. I want to feel more like friends with my family than the role of a daughter, a sister. I think there can be something much deeper.

"Stitched up wounds are open once again" - Walls of Jericho

It's funny how I want everything in my life to be a metaphor. Like drinking water. It's so pure. So clean and cool. So cleansing. Why would I want to put any other liquid in my body? But then there is tea. I love tea. The way the tea bag serves as a sort of filter, not letting the tea leaves get into the water. I just had a nice swing with Dany before class. It's a beautiful day. I felt very succulent. We had marvelous conversation, I found myself speaking on a different level. I think it's funny how I always end up taking people off my buddylist but then later I put them back on. When whatever fear or mood I'm in passes.

I saw Aaron and his girlfriend today and I felt a force of negativity coming from them. What were they thinking of me? But I stayed strong and overcame it. Ugh. I definately don't want to be in class today and work later.

I hate how who I am and how I feel people see me as are so different.

SUCCULENT:
Ripe. Juicy. Whole. Round. Exuberant. Wild. Rich. Wide. Deep. Firm. Rare. Female.
-SARK

I've been thinking about how there's something incredibly delicious about seeing skin. I can't explain it but skin should just be celebrated. I think maybe it's because it's another metaphor. Bare skin and bare soul. We all want to bare our souls. And yet we are afraid to be naked.

Unrequitted Sap

You're like a piece of candy that I'll never get to eat
You're like a tidal wave that sweeps me off my feet
You're like a dance that was over way too fast
You're like a swan in water

You're like a movie where the ending keeps you guessing
When you look into my eyes, it's like you are seeing the bareness of my soul
I've never felt that way with anyone
It's like there's nothing I can hide

You are sometimes weary and sometimes strong
You often times remind me of my favorite song
The one I like to sing along

I wish I didn't have to write about you all the time
I wish I could just tell you

written 3.25.01

Video Update

Video Update is the place to be
Start working here and you get movies for free
Joe's the boss, he likes to smoke
Our soda machine has root beer and coke

Customer satisfaction is our guarentee
But return movies late and we'll make you pay a fee
Magazines, video games, and candy on display
The only thing that sucks is the stinkin awful pay

Preview tapes we know by heart, they play them every hour
Sometimes we get annoying phone calls
From people who are sour

The thing I like the most are the people who work here
Reily, Steve, Amanda and Jonathan
Who had a knife stuck up his rear

We all hate to close, it's never any fun
But sometimes we goof off and around the store we run
8 hour shifts with a 15 minute break
When people rent porn, we check their ID's to make sure it's not fake

written August 2000

Gardening

1.7.00. All I wanted to feel this weekend was grown up and confident that I could travel by myself and all I feel is frustrated. And scared. What am I doing? I couldn't even find my train. I'm tired.

I hate malls. I hate shopping. I hate doing anything when there's so many people around. Just people. Damn people.

"Flirts are in love with love. They value response, not the other person"

4.11.01. I saw Janine today. She was walking into Main. I was behind her. I think she saw me though. All I could think was the bitterness and resentment we've been harboring towards each other. And I felt - regret. I wish we were still friends. I miss hanging out with her. I miss how she was so blunt and told you what she thought. I miss her obsessive complusive ways and her mood swings. It's weird how one incident can bring up all these feelings and stuff. I haven't thought about her in a long time. I never thought I missed her before. But something about seeing her so near, seeing her Volcom backpack and how long her hair got, just made me wonder how she's doing and what she's up to. We used to be the best of friends. I suddenly feel like crying. If only I could have good girlfriends again. It would mean the world to me.

"Man I'm all I've got, like it or not I'm all I've got" - Less Than Jake

3.21.01. The more I study, the more I want to be creative, the more I want to take breaks. Why do we always want a situation opposite from our own? I don't want to get married. I don't want to live with the influence of someone else's beliefs and ideas. I want absolute freedom for my selfish self. I've learned that people's opposing ideas cause conflict and create distance and ruin things. It's impossible to find someone who shares the exact same beliefs as you and even if you do it doesn't matter because your ideas are always changing anyway...so it's just going to work out temporarily anyway. I don't blame him for not wanting commitment. I don't either. To anything or anyone. I want to come and go as I please. I want to try all the fruit in the bowl. I want to not owe anyone anything. I am only ME. It's my life, my world. I don't want kids or a husband. A dog would be okay, they don't spit back at you.

Where are these feelings coming from? Have I just been too hurt? Become finally fed up? Been made smart? Or become strong? I have no idea.

"I had a dream last night. You were in it. You waved to me. Maybe you were waving goodbye. It doesn't matter. I'm proud of what we went through together. It helps me get through the day. That, and you in my heart." - Mad Love