Gardening

1.7.00. All I wanted to feel this weekend was grown up and confident that I could travel by myself and all I feel is frustrated. And scared. What am I doing? I couldn't even find my train. I'm tired.

I hate malls. I hate shopping. I hate doing anything when there's so many people around. Just people. Damn people.

"Flirts are in love with love. They value response, not the other person"

4.11.01. I saw Janine today. She was walking into Main. I was behind her. I think she saw me though. All I could think was the bitterness and resentment we've been harboring towards each other. And I felt - regret. I wish we were still friends. I miss hanging out with her. I miss how she was so blunt and told you what she thought. I miss her obsessive complusive ways and her mood swings. It's weird how one incident can bring up all these feelings and stuff. I haven't thought about her in a long time. I never thought I missed her before. But something about seeing her so near, seeing her Volcom backpack and how long her hair got, just made me wonder how she's doing and what she's up to. We used to be the best of friends. I suddenly feel like crying. If only I could have good girlfriends again. It would mean the world to me.

"Man I'm all I've got, like it or not I'm all I've got" - Less Than Jake

3.21.01. The more I study, the more I want to be creative, the more I want to take breaks. Why do we always want a situation opposite from our own? I don't want to get married. I don't want to live with the influence of someone else's beliefs and ideas. I want absolute freedom for my selfish self. I've learned that people's opposing ideas cause conflict and create distance and ruin things. It's impossible to find someone who shares the exact same beliefs as you and even if you do it doesn't matter because your ideas are always changing anyway...so it's just going to work out temporarily anyway. I don't blame him for not wanting commitment. I don't either. To anything or anyone. I want to come and go as I please. I want to try all the fruit in the bowl. I want to not owe anyone anything. I am only ME. It's my life, my world. I don't want kids or a husband. A dog would be okay, they don't spit back at you.

Where are these feelings coming from? Have I just been too hurt? Become finally fed up? Been made smart? Or become strong? I have no idea.

"I had a dream last night. You were in it. You waved to me. Maybe you were waving goodbye. It doesn't matter. I'm proud of what we went through together. It helps me get through the day. That, and you in my heart." - Mad Love