Processing

7.22.02. I LOVE YOU JOURNAL. You don't judge me or cause me to feel insecure because you don't react. God, everyday the same thoughts play over and over in my head. How quickly people come and go. The only real friendships I have are the ones with people I've known nearly my whole life. There's that stupid air conditioner again... Oh...the Bahamas seems so far away. A place where I can go to free my mind. Live my life to the fullest. What will it take to put me back on that boat again?

"Stop whispering, stop shouting" - Radiohead

Sometimes when I talk to my friends I end up saying the meanest things which is totally not what I want to say but somehow it just happens. I don't like to gossip, please know journal that is not what I'm about. I so wish Randy and Lana lived nearby. I could just go over there and feel like I really had a family.

I wish I could be out with someone, sweating, exercising, really working out - I think it'd be a good stress relief but you're all I've got journal. All the things I've left behind in life and yet it still goes on... I'm better off but it still amazes me. It feels so strange, that missing peice. Janine told me last night that Mark doesn't want a relationship with me. Gee....thanks. I hate rejection. It's horrible. I hate having these two-week dating deals with people. I want a boyfriend again. Security. Comfort.

I mean come to think of it, Mark's really not that great. Dude why would I even settle for that. Shit, I don't know. And it's not even like rejection from him, it's more Janine and how I could sense she didn't want me involved with him in the first place. Whatever, fuck Mark and fuck Andrew for still wanting to be with me when all I do is treat him like crap.

"It's your own life, live it for yourself" - New Found Glory

Joy just called me. She wants to go out tonight. Not looking forward to it but I agreed anyway...b/c I'd want someone to do the same for me if I was in her position. It'll probably be good for both of us, a little ride to Philly, maybe a new diner experience. Oh I can't wait to be 21 for real. Plus, it's unusal for me to get ahold of Joy anyway so it's probably good that I agreed. It's weird though when someone calls you and they just plain out state their purpose. I mean she didn't even say how are you, as soon as I answered it was like 'Hey-what are you doing tonight?'

"Did you take the time, to really discover, how little, we know about each other?" - LTJ

I got SARK to sign my journal and it was awesome. In the beginning of the workshop, there were these nametags with words on them. You had to pick one that you felt described you. I chose the one that said 'Giver'. SARK read it when she greeted me and signed my journal 'To Robin, the Receiver'. Pretty cool.