Unfolding

6.27.02. There are so many movies to watch. So many books to read. People to meet. So much perspective to gain. I'm in NYC sitting in a cafe. Soon I am going to see SARK. I can't wait. Even if I don't get to talk to her personally - just being in the same room with her so I can feel her energy will be awesome enough.

It's raining in New York. Why didn't I bring an umbrella.

Statements are so much better than questions. Questions deserve answers.

My dad said something really sweet today. He met me in KOP and gave me a map of NYC. He was like 'You're a lot braver than me kid.' Wow. That was a compliment because I always think of my dad as fearless. Anyway, going to the city alone isn't really scary. Nothing is. You just have to break it down. Instead of freaking out I just think well I'll do this and then when I get there I'll do this and one thing at a time. Anything is possible with the right attitude.

"I try to think about rainbows
When it gets bad
You got to think about something
To keep from going mad"
-No Doubt

4.9.02. I'm feeling really scared and alone right now and I have no one to express these feelings to but you. I am supposed to go to Planned Parenthood on Monday for my annual. What if I have a disease? I can't believe I always get so worried but I can't help it. You just can't trust anyone. I don't want to die right now. I just want the hope of life. I want to live to be 70. Gray hair. Wrinkles. Grandkids. I want it. Oh so badly.

I haven't been doing my radio show lately. It's funny how I lost interest before it even began.

I missed Randy's birthday party and I can tell he was really bothered by it.

Dad announced his plan tonight. He says he's going to retire next year and take care of mom and move to South Jersey so they can be close to their families. He's going to look for a nursing home around there just in case... so he wants me to find an apartment for next summer and a roommate. I think I can handle that.

7.30.02. I really want school to start again. I need to be learning. I need something to focus on.

My summer class kicks ass though. My teacher is this lesbian chick. I'm taking a Women's Studies class and it's soo interesting. We have these heated discussions about feminisim and stuff. We do these journals 2x a week and Jen (teacher) wrote really nice comments on mine. I couldn't believe she took so much time to comment. It's like she really read it and got to know me - through my writing. She didn't just critque it like a know-it-all. I really hope to get more positive feedback.

"I'm not an addict it's cool, I feel alive, if you don't have it you're on the other side" -K's Choice

7.22.02. Journal, I'm full of hatred today. I hate all human contact, it's just me against the world. I had training today at Gernardis. I hate how intimidated I feel, being the new girl, feeling everyone's eyes follow me around, trying to see what I'm all about. So much judgement. Everywhere. The guy who hired me asked 'So, why'd you come to this Gernardi's and not the one in Goshen?' To me, that's a personal question. 'Uh...it's not that far from my house' I stuttered. If I told him the truth he would judge me. I've been listening to Eniemen today and he just totally inspires me to lash out about everything that's been pissing me off. I wanna write mean songs about people, I think I'd be good at it. That's the thing though about me and my anger. It's so fleeting. It never lasts for more than a few minutes. I often feel sad but I seldom ever feel angry. I wonder what that's about. Sometimes I wish I could embrace it more.

I seriously feel like the worst communicator on the planet. Like I totally failed Interpersonal Comm. or something. I wish all my interactions could be via the internet or through letters. I have a much stronger voice through writing.

"I have no regrets, there's nothing to forget, all the pain was worth it. Not running from my past, I try to do what's best. Know that I deserve it" - Madonna

Dad brought up a good point tonight. He said 'You care so much about eating healthy but then you put all this hair dye crap on your scalp which goes right into your brain.' Ah, the man has a point. Perhaps I will take that into consideration from now on. I'm really mad at him though right now. He flipped out at me because he thought I lost some files on the computer which totally wasn't true. He started yelling at me which I HATE so I walked out of the room and told him that he's an asshole. No way is he going to take out his personal problems on me. Why can I always stand up to my dad but no other man in my life?

Seriously, my dad sucks right now. He doesn't give anyone in my family emotional support. He never has - I don't think he has it in him, well okay I know he does but I think he's turned it off as a survival skill. I hate that line of thinking. Why should I give him anything in return? My mom's in the psychiatric ward right now, how am I supposed to look in the mirror and love myself when I see a combination of two people that I despise the most in my life? Sure my dad provided for his family, he made good money but who cares? He wasn't a role model to his kids or a kind and loving husband. And my mom could never assert herself. The way I see it, she may as well have just sat under the quiet wing of my father, popped out two kids and pretended she was happy. God. Life is so so hard. So lost and alone in my own struggles....Jen says I can bring the kitty home soon. I won't get my hopes up til its safe in my arms though.

"Many miles, many roads I have traveled, fallen down along the way. Many year, many hearts have unraveled, leading up to today" - Madonna