Random Thoughts

9.15.99. The only time I can be free and truly be myself is when I write. I cannot express myself better in any other way than when my words are on paper. I cannot relate to anything better than things I read. All I want to do is write.

10.19.00. It's cold. Here, there, in every room I enter. Must get warm. Cover up, blankets, sweaters, fire. I'm shivering. Make me some hot chocolate. Better yet, just hold me. We'll get warm together. You, me, braving the cold.

"1 step forward, 2 steps back" - Good Riddence

12.00. I dreamed I was pregnant and I decided to have the baby but then I realized that I was in college and I'd still be when it was two years old. I wouldn't feel like dealing with it even though it was cute and stuff. So I put it up for adoption and I was fine with it. I had no attachment to it whatsoever. I was just like 'here, take it.'

10.29.99. I hate your talk of drugs. Fuck you for your dependent need for that shit. I'm so glad I know better than you. Reject me, I don't care. I reject everything.

"You non-conformists are all alike" - Unknown

9.27.99. We drove out to Lancaster yesteday. I love it out there. Open space, farmland, Amish people. I am so fascinated by their lifestyle. I wonder if they feel like they are in a timewarp or something when they see cars go by or hear modern music. Are they happy or are they just brainwashed into thinking they are happy? I felt like I was on Little House on the Prarie, my favorite childhood TV show brought to life.

"This is one of the conditions of life. That experience is not transmissable. No man will learn from the suffering of another, he must suffer it himself." -Coleridge

9.16.99. I saw Brad yesterday. I couldn't stop hugging him. I wanted to cry. He isn't in my life anymore. I hardley ever see or talk to him. Every inch of my body is frozen, I didn't want to get out of bed today. Nothing feels right. I don't feel anything at all really. Except when I hear my mom crying. Then I feel pain. My friends, I don't even want to talk to them. I don't want to be around anyone but myself. I don't want to share my writing with any of them because then they will know me, and I don't want them to think they know me.

9.23.99. Observations:

My dad talked to me last night - and sounded almost human.

This is the first time we broke up and I'm not crying.

"The recovery process begins, though the heartache still prevails."

I guess the truth is, I made him my whole life. I had my priorities all wrong.

"Sometimes life can be so harsh and cruel, one forgets what they can do to fix it."

3.8.00. Utopia:
A world where no one could think or make reference to the past, so it couldn't be kept alive. And no one could anticipate the future, so it couldn't be worried about. Day to day, we'd all just live. We probably wouldn't even realize we were alive because we'd have no concious thought about existance. We'd only experience it.