Fears

1.28.03. I can't sleep. Journal, as happy as I am here in Florida, I'm also very sad. I feel so incomplete and alone inside. I just keep thinking that August is so far away and wondering if I can make it. What is real right now? I miss Zan. God, my worst quality is my emotional attachment to things and even though I can recoginze it, I can't seem to shake it.

"Don't take life too seriously. It's only temporary" -Bill Knapp

I want romance - mushiness - someone to snuggle up to at night - someone to be comfortable with.

I want to dye my hair blonde. I feel stumpy and old womanish in my uniform. I feel sort of pathetic for trying to keep in touch with people from home. I never get back even half of my efforts. Watching the coverage of the space shuttle that exploded today just desperately made me want to have a family - a husband, all that. I want to be deeply loved and cradled in safe arms.

"Choice, not chance determines your destiny"

It's so hard to know that my struggles are continuous ones and all those 'moments' that I live for will in time pass. Am I really such a fool for wanting to hold on? It just feels so hard to be me sometimes. I don't want to be mean behind Melissa's back but it's so much easier to go along with the other girls when they giggle and say mean things. "You must BE the change you wish to see in the world" Yes, this is true. I want to live it. God, grant me the strength to be a good person today, to make a difference in this soup bowl of a world. Amen.

"I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they passed." - The Counting Crows