2007

1.1.07. A new journal, a new year. Seems appropriate enough. To be honest, I haven't written in a long time. Anything. Not sure why. I think I convinced myself that I was too busy and that my silly thoughts didn't matter enough to emerge on paper. Wrong! Everyone has a story - unique and unlike anyone elses. This is my story and it needs to be told.

I'm going to turn 26 this year and I feel a lot of anxiety about that because I feel I haven't really accomplished anything yet in my life, at least not professionally. If anything, since I graduated college I've realized my sense of ambition. A little too late, I say to myself at times because I am working in a field I have zero passion for and feeling like I have no direction. I know this isn't true, it's never too late to go back to school but what it comes down to is finding out what I really want to do and how....to do it.

"Unless you could see inside my head, you couldn't possibly understand, I'm happier when things are falling apart, but you'll never know, just by looking at me. Strung out on the future, burnt out on the past, sometimes I rather burn this place right to the ground" -Less Than Jake

When I was home last week, my dad hammered into me how important it is to have a plan. I don't know why but I feel terribly akward at work. I don't fit in with most on an interpersonal level and though I know I'm not there to make friends, that's what it always comes down to for me - wanting to be liked. I don't want to have to act a certain way or try to fit into a mold to get ahead in the business world and that's why I don't feel it's for me. I want to choose a profession where I can be my authentic self. Yes, I can learn about business and accounting and all that but I want to do something that fulfills my soul.

Writing? Novels? Magazine articles? Newspaper columns? Poetry, Short stories, Plays, Musicals? Greeting cards?

This year I need to be Proactive and not reactive. I need to take Initiative. I've always struggled with this. I remember working at Summer Wrec in Mrs. Houpt's music class. Her comments on my evaluation were 'Has to be asked to do things'. Well, I guess maybe it's just my personality, how I've grown up. I don't mind doing things, I just don't always know what I'm supposed to do..

"Ain't nothing wrong, ain't nothing right and still I sit and lie awake all night" -Sublime

I've always sort of been mediocre. In school, soccer, cheerleading, flute, dance...well come to think of it, I wasn't even that great at those things. I just did them for fun and to be social.

I've always been pretty good at writing but...would someone really pay to read what I have to say?

On to another subject - I <3 living in Florida. It is simply wonderful and amazing. It's always gorgeous and warm. It just makes me feel fuzzy inside.

I'm on a workout kick and it feels great. I really love the way my body looks, it's so slender and curvy and supple. Youth is to be embraced. Omen.