Blahs

3.11.02. Tonite is LTJ!! So I'm entertaining this thought. I want to share with the world my knowledge and experience but sometimes time is against you. I mean what if it takes too long until I'm 'smart-worthy' of getting my message across...will I have time even to sort it all out? Time is always against us. And do we ever stop learning anyway? The answer is no. We learn. But then we must unlearn too. Maybe we had all the knowledge we needed when we were children...

"Judge a tree by it's fruits. And ditto for people"

I think lonliness is my primary emotion. Because I have this need for connection with people. This desire to reallly know someone. I yearn for it, more than most people I think. But then it makes me wonder. Why? Is seeking such a connection just an excuse to run from ourselves?

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves and let the beautiful stuff out" -Ray Bradbury

I'm frustrated. B/c I'll ask guys...what do you want in a girl? And they say things like "I want a girl who is smart, pretty and has a good personality". And I'm thinking well I'm that...so then I think 'why don't the boys I like see that? Am I giving off the wrong signals? I don't get it.

"There's always some reason, to feel not good enough. And it's hard at the end of the day..." -Sarah McLachlan

Isn't it weird how fragile self esteem is? Anyone, anytime...can tear you down. I was telling Jen last night...how I've had to switch screennames so many times that I don't have many people to talk to online anymore. It kind of sucks.

Mr. Carr told me in 8th grade 'You can have any guy you want if you play your cards right...' Wow, I sure must have the wrong hand then. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

3.13.02. I think it's sick how people are led around by their sex organs. That's what is comes down to. Making out. Having sex. It's gross. Recyclying people. Bodies. This person got with this person and this person and so on.. Sharing germs. Bodily fluids. I am just looking at humans...but maybe even all life and thinking how we are slaves to our sex drives. I could see a good book being written on this subject.

"If you're naughty go to your room, if you want to be naughty, go to mine"

Wouldn't it be great if people didn't look in the mirror? If people could just act as they are and not think about what it looked like. That would be amazing. Who invented mirrors anyway?

My stomach feels very unsettled today. I just want to listen to Less Than Jake. That's all I want.

"Silence propogates itself. The longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything else to say" -Samuel Jackson

3.20.02. It's Wednesday and I haven't heard from him. No email or anything. Come on, who was I kidding. What did I expect. I don't know. I've been pretty busy so it doesn't bother me too much but there are a few moments when I'm thinking about him...what is he thinking? It's always like this..I'm so tired of these stupid guessing games. I really don't know what the solution is. I mean we like each other but we don't really want a relationship...Right?

"In the very instant that I worship you, the memory of my unhappy days comes to mind and weeping says: who burns well loves well, which I do. Though how all this I shield construe"

3.22.02. If nothing happens in a couple years I'm up and moving to Florida. I am, this time I swear. I'm over Aaron. I don't know what I ever saw in him. He's really akward and stupid. That's how some crushes are...phases. They come and go. One day you just snap back into reality. But then there's some people..where your feelings are so deeply rooted that it's not like you wake up and think that was silly. Because it's not. It's real... In my 20 years on earth I have only met one person who I feel this way about. One. And where is he right now? In Florida. I miss him.

I just want to be a mom, a wife, have kids and give them the amazing childhood I had. Oh and to have a dog.

"If only...you could see into me..' -Sade