Depressing Thoughts

2.26.02. I am really sick of trying with boys. I'm sick of illusions. Nothing matters. Dude, there was a time in my life when it wasn't like this. A short period of time. When I could just play. Childhood. There were conflicts but they worked themselves out. It's only now because I try and control them, that they pain me. There's a price to pay for knowledge. It costs me a hell of a lot it seems.

"Razors pain you
Rivers damp you
Acid stains you
And drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful,
You might as well live"
-Dorothy Parker

I don't even want anything anymore. Wanting is bad. You can't make life the way you want it no matter what you do - society is going to stay the same - culture, ideals, tradition. Nothing will ever change the people around you - they will all continue to be the same, coming, going, coming, going. Nature will not change, people you love will get sick and die. You too. So really, why try and live a happy life or find ideals that are right for you when it's really the bigger picture that matters and all that is beyond your control?

I don't want to go forward, only back. But I can't. There's nothing the future could offer me that'd be better than what I've already had. Depression. It's not always chemical. I want to leave this world. I don't want kids. I guess I have no purpose. I'm too lazy for work, I'm too partial to familiarity to do what I really want. I'm too screwed up by my ex boyfriend to ever believe in myself. I'm sorry. I don't know who I was supposed to be. But it couldn't have been the mess that I've amounted to. I don't want to be at school or at home. I don't care. I honestly don't. I chase things that aren't good for me. Ignoring the real things that matter. I expect people to be perfect when I'm not even close.

"Travel, Trouble, Music, Art.
A Kiss, A Frock, a Rhyme.
I never said they feed my heart,
But still they pass my time."
-Dorothy Parker