Daydreams

1.12.03. I've been taking so much shit from other people about my whole Florida adventure. "You're going to hate working 40 hrs a week!" "You'll be back by May." "That has nothing to do with your major". "I can't believe they're only going to pay you $6/hr". "They'll work you like a slave". I hate this feeling of uncertainty - of trying to hold my ground and be enthustiastic while everyone around me is trying to pull me down it seems. I just want to be in Florida. Don't you understand? The sunshine will warm my soul. The water will calm my troubles. The sand will ... I'm already gone. I don't even want to bother with goodbyes. I just want to get there. Here - I feel sick in this skin. I feel like this place is diseased. I feel like no one believes me when I say I'm going to live there forever. An island. I can do it. It's surely better than here. These people, they aren't doing anything for me. I need inspiration. I need coconut water and pelicans swooping. I need sunset walks in cool sand and coastal adventures. I need to grow up. But still remain me. I need to be careful though. I'm not invincible. It's so cold here. I feel it to my bones. I want to wade in clear blue gulf and swim with dolphins deep. I'm beginning to wonder if 6 mths will be enough for all I want to do and see. I can't imagine how depressing it will feel to come back here. I don't know if I can bear it because it will be the beginning of a new cold cycle. Can I really stay though? That seems awful selfish of me.

I might go snowboarding with Matt tomorrow. I'd like to go once this year.

"You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, cause you might not get there"

I wonder how Jill's making out in London.

I picked up Jen today from Jeff's. 'She's a little runaway'. Haha.

Idea: Have an adobe house in New Mexico. Near Los Cruzus.

"Maybe we're the Aliens"

I want to get more into Science. Space. Astronomy. Astrology. The moon and stars and planets fascinate me immensely. I wish I lived near one of those planetariam things like in Roswell and K-Pax. Those space dome-like things where you can stargaze endlessly. I would never want to actually go into space but to explore it from our planet is extraordinary itself.

"Do what you can with what you have where you are" -Theodore Roosevelt

How to gather information about the essentials to get through this life. I want to interview people and give a mass survey about how people really feel about the quality of their lives.

I'm sure glad I won't be working at Video Update anymore. It really sucks. I loathe the sound of tapes dropping through the return slot.

Mmm. So I'm just sort of waiting. For the time in my life when I come into my own essence. Like when you succeed only because you followed your own path and no one else's. When you are original and it works. I keep seeing all these 'stars bloom' like on MTV and stuff and I'm wondering if I will ever find that inner spark.

It's like how Sabrina says in Spilling Open, the books are already written inside of me and will one day emerge...

I would love to enroll in some writing workshops.

"The true secret of life is to find peace in yourself and to share it with the world"

It feels good not to be in some twit-tot about a boy. I mean all I am is open to possibility.

Homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, mmm.

Why do I feel like I need approval and praise for my work? Can't my own appreciation be enough?

Why do I feel such a strong need to express and get my ideas out there when at the same time I feel like there's isn't a place for my views. They just don't fit in. I'm standing alone here!

"I don't know what the key to success is but the key to failure is trying to please everybody" -Bill Cosby