Sexcapdes

5.4.08. I've been blogging a lot because I've been sick all weekend so not doing a whole lot. Here's my question of the day, can a man and a woman really be friends?

"A man and a woman can never be friends because the sex part always gets in the way" -When Harry Met Sally

(My therapist suggested that we look for 3 things in a person that are necessary for a relationship to work - Chemistry, Personality and Character. You might be able to sustain a relationship if you have strength with someone in two of those areas but if one is missing, you will probably have troubles down the road unless you can resolve to work it out.)

My feeling is that you can have a true friendship with a person of the opposite sex, as long as you don't have physical chemistry with that person. I can honestly say there have been men in my life who I have enjoyed hanging out with because I either connected with their personality or admired their character, without desiring anything physical. That's not to say they may have felt the same way though. If they had felt chemistry for me, the friendship probably ended when we discovered we were not seeking the same outcome from the relationship.

I think if you are trying to maintain a friendship with someone whom you share a physical chemistry with but for whatever reason are not romantically involved with, you need to establish and honor clear boundaries especially if one of them is in a relationship.

I once read a great book called Emotional Infidelity which I'd recommend everyone to read. It gives a very conservative view on relationships but I think in this day and age when there is so much out there at our fingertips (the Internet, text messages, etc.) that can so easily have a negative effect on one's relationship, we can all benefit in reexamining our beliefs about what constitues unfaithfulness. I'm not saying I agree with all these things but as you read them, notice your reaction. If you are feeling defensive or outright rejecting the idea, ask youreself why.

Here is a good passage from the book:

"Countless people have told me that getting involved with members of the opposite sex isn't a problem for them because it would never lead to adultery. They've even believed that a little flirtatiousness now and then is healthy, reminding us that we're still attractive to the world at large. Sex is far from the only problem. You will simply be chipping away at your relationship every time you get that ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex. It's dangerous to your relationship, and not because it might lead to sex. Rather, it drains your relationship of the immense energy it needs to grow: the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your significiant other the opportunity to provide you with that same ping of excitement you are looking for elsewhere".

10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship

Secret #1 Commitment is the glue of any relationship. Insulate and protect your relationship against emotional infidelity by avoiding friendships with the opposite sex.

Secret #2. Codependence is a necessary ingredient for a great relationship. The two of you must need each other.

Secret #3. Couples need clear, realistic goals and a specific plan of how to achieve those goals.

Secret #4. Your relationship has to come first - before jobs, kids, anything else. Your unconscious assumptions are holding you back from putting in the effort.

Secret #5. Your childhood has a great deal to do with your ability to enjoy a great relationship. The more you understand this connection, the better relationship you will have.

Secret #6. Great sex comes not from great sexual skill but from sharing your deepest, shyest self while trusting your partner.

Secret #7. Acceptance is about appreciating, not settling.

Secret #8. Your marriage comes before your child. but your child is one of your best tools for creating a great marriage.

Secret #9. Like any strong working partnership, relationships need well-defined roles for each spouse.

Secret #10. Time is on your side. A great marriage has many different stages and takes years to develop properly.

Poems

Wishful Thinking

If I could draw, I would draw myself on a deserted island
Lying in a hammock with my love and coconut palms
Singing us lullaby's

If I could dream an endless dream
I'd dream myself to Tahitti
I'd ride a dolphin through the waves and warm myself in the sun

If I could wish just one wish that was guarenteed to come true
I'd wish my mother back to health and then she'd never be blue

If I could freeze a place in time
I'd return to my childhood days
Remember what it was like to pretend, imagine and believe
And play

If I could go back to a time when I was innocent
I would not have kissed so many boys
But only the ones who were worthy

But who am I to live in regret
For the things that cannot be

Like a little bird afraid to fly
Or a cat running up a tree

I must move forward, I must stand tall
Reaching out for the moment and loving it all

written 2.26.05


Work

A job, a building, a place I go
To make money, make ends meet, this much I know

But how it makes me tired and ill
My hopes and dreams it will never fulfill

I feel each wasted hour passing me by
Office politics and bullshit, I breath out a heavy sigh

To think it costs money just to simply exist
Doesn't make much sense to me, I want to raise a fist

written 10.11.05


What I Learned in College

I learned that naps aren't only for pre-schoolers

I learned how to make a pot of coffee

I learned what it means to leave home

I learned how it feels to be broke

I learned how to bullshit my way through classes that didn't interest me

I learned that 'roommate' does not automatically mean 'best friend'

I learned what it is to have my heart broken

And I learned what it means to find true love

I learned that good friendships last across the miles

And that it gets harder to make good friends as you get older

I learned that I can study for hours on end and still do badly on a test

I learned that I can plow through and perserve long after I think possible

I learned that parking tickets are easier to come by than the flu

I learned that half your grades are your attitude

I learned that it's easy to lose yourself without a positive self estemn and a strong sense of self

I learned that I am still a bit naive and really need to think things through before making impulsive decisions about certain things

I learned that you don't have to drink and party to have fun in college

It's taken me 5 years, or maybe I should say 23, but I've finally realized who I am and that is truly powerful

written 3.11.05

Hey Jealousy

jeal·ous·y [jel-uh-see] –noun, plural. 1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

Have you ever been accused of being jealous or have you felt jealous about something? Of course you have, it's part of human nature. But I don't think jealousy is a negative feeling although many people tend to view it as one.

There are two kinds of jealousy I've experienced similar to the dictionary definitions above. Jealousy in the sense that inspires and jealousy in the sense that causes pain. But both are indicators of what it is you truly want. When I have a friend who has something I want, I may feel envious but it's not because I don't wish for them to have that thing, jealousy here serves as a tool to show me what it is I want or feel I am missing, therefore inspiring me to try and get it.

The other kind of jealousy occurs when (usually in a romantic relationship) you feel your needs are not being met due to an external factor (another person, thing or anything you feel is a perceived threat) In this case, it is wise to examine what is going on that is causing you to feel this way. On some levels, it may be because you are insecure as a person but it also may be because there is something in fact jepordizing your status to the thing you want or have. If jealousy is due to personal insecurities, it will benefit us to learn that we really are the only ones able to fulfill our emotional needs and realize that love is abundantly available to us at any given time. We feel jealous because we hold the belief that if something is threatening what we have, then there won't be enough left for us. This is not true!

But here again, jealousy serves to help you explore what is going on with yourself thus allowing you to deal appropriately with the situation. All in all, jealousy simply means that you care and there's nothing negative about that. I've heard guys say they don't want a girlfriend who ever acts jealous. But most people don't get jealous for no reason, think about this... maybe those people saying this actually have commitment problems and are really saying 'I don't want a girl whose going to hold me accountable for my actions'. I think most girls like to know that their guy feels jealous every now and again because it lets them know how much that person cares. The only thing not to do is try and intentionally make someone feel jealous as a test of their feelings because that is manipulation.

So next time you sense a wave of jealousy coming on, stop and ask yourself whether or not you really have a reason to be jealous. If so, take the necessary action to fix the problem - do you need to mentally check-in and start communicating with someone better? Maybe you never established expectations with this person to begin with, leaving you feeling rightfully hurt but if you didn't lay everything on the table from the start, it's not fair for you to be angry with this person. If the jealousy is truly warrented and the other person refuses to put themself in your shoes and change how they are acting, maybe it's time to end the relationship.

In a healthy relationship, jealousy should not be a normal feeling you have. If it is, ask yourself why you are choosing to stay with someone whose actions cause you to feel insecure.

"The thing to do with feelings is to make it safe to feel all of them"

To-Do's

3.31.08 Exercise 18. Making your to-do list. Getting out of your head and into the present moment is not an easy task. This exercise will help organize all the plans and dreams that float around in your mind. Once they are down on paper and you've committed time to thinking and acting upon them, it will be easier to let them go and focus on the here and now.

Ultimate To-Do List (no limitations!)
1) Visit a rain forest in South America
2) Drive a Porshe 911...somewhere...anywhere!
3) Swim with dolphins
4) White water raft
5) Visit Roswell, NM
6) Go to the Grand Canyon
7) Cruise to Alaska
8) Backpack through Canada
9) Go to every continent
10) Visit Australia Zoo
11) Publish a book
12) Climb a mountain
13) Have 3 kids, (water birth)
14) Get married barefoot on the beach
15) Honeymoon at a Sandals Resort
16) Build a house
17) Grow my own fruits and veggies
18) Be a motivational speaker

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Life Inventory

3.28.08 Exercise 17 - Taking a Life Inventory. To get what we truly want, it is necessary to eliminate the things in our lives that do not align with our most important goals and values, and to commit ourselves 100 percent to the things we do want. Taking on too many tasks and ambitions makes it impossible to give any aspect of your life the attention it deserves. In this exercise, you'll inventory the choices you are making in your life.

1. Career: I am at a good place from a worldly viewpoint - I make good money, have a management position, a big office, flexibility and job security but for me personally, I'm not doing what I am passionate about so that's the biggest room to improve. I need to learn to make money doing what I love and believe in.

2. Romance: Well I've learned what a bad relationship is from a good relationship and something somewhere along the middle too. I've learned that true love does in fact exist, and that it is available to me and I've learned what being married is all about. I don't have anyone special right now in my life but I feel okay with that. I'm not going to lie though. Who doesn't want more romance?

3. Social Life: Right now I am really happy with my social life. I sometimes feel like I am too social, there's too much to do - a lot of options and some people who I could make more time for but don't. I like having a select group of fun friends.

4. Finances: I could certainly pay more attention to my finances and save more money but I am able to support myself so that is good enough right now I suppose. I would like to be genuinely interested in finances but it seems too hard.

5. Health: I feel very healthy but I think there's always room to improve, supplement, avoid more toxins and strengthen my body. This is one area I try to continuosly work on.

6. Physical Appearance: I am generally happy with the way I look. I like to change my hair up now and again and keep my wardrobe and accessories updated but I enjoy the way I look overall.