Tumbling Down

9.18.02. I think I figured Steve out from Video Update. He argues with people constantly. No matter what the issue is, he'll take the opposite viewpoint. But I think it's because he's afraid to get close to people and disagreeing is his way of keeping people at a distance. He laughed when I said this but I'm pretty sure it's true.

"What's a bond, if it dissolves in water?" - Saves the Day

I saw him today. For the first time since April. No..we hung out once over the summer..but anyway, I went over his house to get my CD back. It was weird. I wonder what he thinks of me. I wish I knew.

9.21.02. Okay, it's Saturday now. Things are not going well. I am feeling icky, grudgey, mean and isolated in my thought process. Things have not turned out how I would have thought or liked but it's like that ususally...when we have some pre-planned idea or expectation, it never works out that way.

"From experience comes knowledge, from knowledge comes strength, and strength helps you move on" - E-Town Concrete

I seriously have to move out of West Chester. I can't hang out with anyone. Why is it always like this? Why do I always want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Great, it's raining out now. Okay, so I have to make a change but I don't know what. I want to get out of this town and just travel. Or live somewhere else. It isn't good to hang out with CKY b/c I'm reminded of what I'm not doing in the world and I feel jealous of their success. I don't want to live vicariously through someone. I want to do something great! There are all these people I admire who are living their dreams and I'm like dude, what am I doing wasting time?!

"And everything you hoped would last, always becomes your past" - Song Lyric

10.3.02. I worry. All the time. About everything. Everything feels so messed up inside. I think my kitty is really sick. What if it was my fault? I gave him some honey yesterday... what if his water was dirty or something got in his food... I always make plans for myself of things I need to do but then I feel overwhelmed so I break them, I think just so I can feel the relief. I saw Todd today. Actually he saw me. He said hi and I was caught off guard. I hate when that happens. I want new shoes. New bras. I want new. I have clothes I never wear and I don't want that. I want only things I reallly love. I want comfort. I can't have everything. I want massages and a hair stylist. I want people to be kind when I can't be myself.

"Just a small town girl, livin in a lonley world.." - Journey

10.8.02. Joy is awesome, awesome, awesome. We went to Denny's for breakfast this morning and it was the perfect beginning to my day. She's such a kind, genuine person. She always has uplifting advice for me and brave true messages. She never withholds affection and she always tells me good things about myself. She knows what's not super about me but she doesn't mind. The more I see wonderful things in people, the more I realize what I don't want, what's not real and what's unhealthy.

Sometimes I wonder why I write down my thoughts so much because it's never going to mean anything to anyone else and sometimes it makes me sick to read back at what I was thinking during certain times of my life. I mean certain places I just wouldn't want to go back to you know? But I had to write it down anyway because writing helps me get through it. I can't throw away my journals either. I mean it's like...my life. Maybe I need to change the format or something.

"I am willing and able, so I throw my cards on your table" - Bob Marley

We saw Alex last night at Vegetarian Kingdom and he just seemed different. Older maybe, more mature? No, he was actually more weird. I don't know. He asked about Kara of course.. some things never change.

I think the thing that bothers me the most right now is that all my friends from high school are living a different life now except me. Same town, same crowd. It's sick. I need to move on but I don't know how.

"I need your love, I just need someone's approval, to get me where I am" - Boy Sets Fire

11.12.02. Here's what I'm thinking about boys. I have never been in a relationship where I've felt true emotional support and compassion. It makes me wonder if I can really find a guy that will or if this is just the difference between guys and girls. I just don't want to end up like my mom with this big emotional void. Chris was great to talk to about things but he didn't give me empathy when I needed it. I was thinking about how when you fall in love and you are older, it's probably a lot different from falling in love when you're young. Because you have a job and a schedule and it's probably hard to make plans. Young love makes it feel like there's all the time in the world.

I was telling Chris about my fear of roommates because of my two bad experiences and he said what Janine said - maybe it's me. Gulp...which makes me like myself even less. He's like 'you shouldn't be afraid of people judging you and whatnot because most people are as clueless about themselves as you are.'

Then there is my fear about knowing what I want, depsite how different it is from most people's ideals, working hard to get it but then realizing once I get it that maybe I don't want it anymore or not having anything to share it with. Chris said 'So then you just do something different.' Just like that.

"Women deserve rich, emotional, intimate lives" - SARK

12.3.02. Okay, breathe. It is abnormally cold out. The whole way to class the wind smacked my face. "I'm moving to Florida" is all I could think. I feel sad all of a sudden. I can't believe I'm going to be moving out of my house. And how am I going to get along without seeing Jen? I'll have to write her everyday. It's weird to think I won't have any school work to do. The worst part of all is that I won't be able to be around my mom anymore. She needs me, my spirit. She is going to become so depressed and I will feel horribly guilty. I already do. It's not fair. NOT. NOT. NOT. There's nothing I can do. I want her to move to Florida too. She would be so happy. I can't make her feel better. Nothing can. Nothing will. There's nothing left to hope for or hold onto and that is just the worst thing that could happen. Having to see her suffer...it is just too much.

"I have found all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away, again" -Fuel

I haven't been sleeping well because all this stuff keeps flowing through my mind. I want peace and positivity. But it seems so unacheiveable at times. I want to give my mom the love she deserves. The love she always gave me. She is the reason I am who I am. She is the reason I will never give up. Because she can still manage a smile through it all. I am realizing now all the love I feel for her. How clear it seems now and how much I've been missing out on and shutting out for the past several years. I feel terrible. She needs game time, massages, cry sessions. I have not BEEN THERE. I looked everywhere else for love and something to make me feel better when all along I never had to lose it when she got sick. I could have given back but I chose not to because I was afraid of seeing how hurt she was, and because I was afraid of letting her see how hurt I am..

"I can't live...if living is without you" -Mariah Carey

12.5.02. I asked my mom last night what her favorite memory was and she said 'Having you and Randy.' Sweetness! 'It was awesome just holding this precious little baby and knowing it came out of you, it's such a miracle.' Birth. Life. It does seem to me like the ultimate act of love. I can imagine the transformation that would take place in my if I had a child. It may very well be a possibility...but not for a long long time. My mom is the utmost example of the kind of mom I want to be. She is the living image of 'being love'. The ultimate goal. My guardian angel.

It just tears me up inside to think that my mom must have 0% self love, because how could she love a body that so betrayed her, and failed her. How can she love herself when nothing works except her mind but what good is that to her now... she doesn't feel loved by her husband, she feels like a burden, never feeling wanted or needed passionately. I cannot imagine what she must go through. I should not even pity myself ever. She does not give up, neither should I.

"The space between, what's wrong and right is where you'll find me...waiting for you. The space between, your heart and mine" - Dave Matthews

Oh, I just want to talk about my feelings. I want a world where nothing is held back or not expressed. I want clear, consistent and constant communication with everyone. I want to express my deepest fears and tell people what bothers me and what is good.

I want to take art classes and dance and yoga and I want lots of stretching for the parts of me that ache.

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present" - Jan Glidewell

Janine took me to this place called Simon and Pierce, where they sell hand blown glass and it was kind of dumb. I thought because why spend so much money on something so breakable? It doesn't make sense.

"Good Grief" - Charlie Brown