Toe Pick

4.15.01. Here's what I don't understand. If 'love' is really how I imagine it is (and I'm guessing it isn't) then everyone would be all swooning and googley-eyed all the time. Everyone would be happy, walking on sunshine, butterflies in their stomachs. No one would forget how wonderful their significant other is. They would honor and respect the other person. Treat them like gold. Why isn't it like that? Why do people become so careless, so lazy? Love is so beautiful, it's never ending. Why don't people act like that forever. It's like it - stops. Then they find another person and then take them for granted. It sucks.

"All love is based on the search for spirit" - Arnetha Paul

I am so scared. Of everything. I'm scared of my body getting sick and doing things I don't want it to do. I think what I'm most afraid of about being in a relationship is letting it become routine. Boring. An institution. That's what I loved about Chris. It never got that way because we didn't let it. Oh, to be there again. But maybe not.

"On an island in the sun, we'll be playing and having fun" - Weezer

4.15.02. Whomever I end up with is going to be a lucky man. I can say that because I know it's true. I should be very picky in making sure I get back all that I give. It sucks though because I feel like I'm very rare. I give more than most people I know. This makes me somehow think I'll be left wanting. Unsatisfied. But I guess as long as I'm happy in my heart, that's all I need. And I am.

I watched this movie today called Enchanted April and this old lady said 'People are always pairing off. It seems like the only way they can be happy." Hmm..I've definetely always been a pairing off kind of girl. I suffered a lot with Chris. I see that now. And I still have a hard time letting him go...the relationship itself. The bigger stuff. Our connection with the natural world. All the times we spent outside. In woods. Near train tracks. Those are the things I miss.

"Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life. How'd I get so faithful to my freedom, a selfish kind of life. When all I ever wanted was the simple things, a simple kind of life..." - Gwen Stefani

Sex is so beautiful. Oh there is so much to write about!

4.20.02. Man...my mom and I got in a big fight today. She started talking mad religious stuff to me so I put her in her place. We both started crying. Then she's telling me about how she was nearly engaged to this dentist guy but she prayed about it and realized he wasn't the right one for her and if she married him she'd end up emotionally abused and all this stuff. I'm like oh what and dad's the perfect husband? Please. I was like 'you don't know how your life would have turned out because you didn't choose that.' But she is convinced she does know. She keeps saying how she always gets signs and if she doesn't listen then bad stuff happens to her...I'm like right. How come I don't get signs? Maybe I should pay more attention to that kind of stuff. I dunno, I guess I just try to handle it on my own. Maybe there is a plan... I'm so tired now from crying. It sucks. I can't wait til next weekend so I can move my room. My room now is suffacating me. I called my brother today and he was like 'well you'll be on your own soon enough'. I guess. Sometimes I just think my mom is just nuts.

"Remember, the Universe is watching. Do the right thing. Be kind".

The things I miss, the things I don't.

4.15.02. I think the hardest thing about life is knowing you'll never be a finished product. No matter what goal you're working for, it's always going to be a process. A battle. Sometimes you're winning, other times you're losing. But you're always doing, coming, going.

I smelled the grass today. I love the smell of grass. It's so comforting. Brings me back to my childhood.

I gotta get away. From school. From my family. I miss Chris. We could do anything.

I feel like a caged animal. I need to be wild and free like the ocean.

"In the sweet bye and bye, we will meet on that beautiful shore"

Journal, Journal, Journal, sometimes I forget that I really am my own best friend. I love writing with colored pens. I have been doing so much soul searching lately. I can't seem to put my pen down. Last night online Brad and I were talking briefly and he didn't seem like he was in a talkative mood so I signed off quickly for fear of where the conversation might end up.

"A soulmate is someone who makes you think and feel in a new way. One who opens up your soul"

I'm reading Sabrina Ward Harrison's book called Spilling Open and it's inspiring me so much. She talks about how she came from her mom so she wants to know everything about her. I never thought of it like that before. I came from my mom.

4.9.02. It's Jill's birthday. Kara is so funny. She IMed me last night and was like 'Our Jill?" I feel sorta bad. That David guy called me last night and I was like 'Can I call you back?' but I didn't. Matt and I went to the Country Squire Diner last night. I had a really good time with him. I've noticed that Matt has become this incredibly open person. I never thought he would change but it's really nice. I was just spitting out all of my thoughts to Matt, but somehow it feels like even when you're trying to completely bare your soul, it still isn't enough. There's still more you can't express.

I told my dad that David is a wedding planner and he said 'Sounds like a fruitcake to me!'

"Will you stay with me now, don't leave this town, until we figure out...between the two of us, we're strong enough, I feel it in your touch" - The Anniversary

Worries I've had:
1. Losing everything I love
2. Being yelled at
3. Fires
4. Being made fun of
5. No ideas
6. Not being able to 'handle it all'
7. Mean tricks
8. Dissapointing someone I love
9. Not being brave enough
10. Not being funny enough
11. Being very lonley
12. Not being beautiful enough

Everyone is selfish. In different ways. Everyone is so faulted. But I can love those faults about my family and friends. It's just hard when it's my *love*. I want those people to be perfect and faultless.

I said to Matt last night 'Remember when there wasn't AOL?' And he was like 'Yeah, and people were happy.' Oh that's so true! Then he said 'AOL killed people's social skills.' True enough. I think it's weird how we create conflicts for ourselves. All the time. And then something big like 9/11 happens and all those little conflicts seem soo dumb and pointless.

"Look for the dream that keeps coming back"