In Passing

4.1.02. My Literature professor thinks no one is interested in her class. I am. It's my favorite class and I think she's amazing. I feel compelled to tell her this but my shyness holds me back.

"I never had any closer friends, then the ones I had when I was young" - The Ataris

4.8.02. Last night Matt asked me 'why do girls have to be so attractive?' And I said 'because they have to be'. And then I thought about this. Girls have to be so attractive so boys will want to have sex with them and make babies. It's strange, how nature works.

4.10.02. I had some bad dreams last night. Lots of abandonment.

"And I try the best I can, but who can understand, civilized man?" - Shelter

I think I need to start looking people in the eyes more. Start seeing more deeply into people. Because I know so deeply what's inside of me but it sure doesn't feel seen by many people. I feel so inspired by Sabrina Ward Harrison's books. She said there needs to be more 'journey books'. This gives me hope. Perhaps there is room in this world for my thoughts yet. Oh I am so young.

"To know you, is to love you" - Madonna

Right now I feel like I can do anything. ANYTHING! Make art, make music, make life! I'm so excited. So inspired. There are kindred spirits out there just like me. I really want to deepen my connections with people. Be a beautiful example of the love that I feel. I want to feel more like friends with my family than the role of a daughter, a sister. I think there can be something much deeper.

"Stitched up wounds are open once again" - Walls of Jericho

It's funny how I want everything in my life to be a metaphor. Like drinking water. It's so pure. So clean and cool. So cleansing. Why would I want to put any other liquid in my body? But then there is tea. I love tea. The way the tea bag serves as a sort of filter, not letting the tea leaves get into the water. I just had a nice swing with Dany before class. It's a beautiful day. I felt very succulent. We had marvelous conversation, I found myself speaking on a different level. I think it's funny how I always end up taking people off my buddylist but then later I put them back on. When whatever fear or mood I'm in passes.

I saw Aaron and his girlfriend today and I felt a force of negativity coming from them. What were they thinking of me? But I stayed strong and overcame it. Ugh. I definately don't want to be in class today and work later.

I hate how who I am and how I feel people see me as are so different.

SUCCULENT:
Ripe. Juicy. Whole. Round. Exuberant. Wild. Rich. Wide. Deep. Firm. Rare. Female.
-SARK

I've been thinking about how there's something incredibly delicious about seeing skin. I can't explain it but skin should just be celebrated. I think maybe it's because it's another metaphor. Bare skin and bare soul. We all want to bare our souls. And yet we are afraid to be naked.