Last Night

3.11.08. Last night Shelly, Jolyon and I spontaneously went to Perkins at 10:30pm after we picked Shelly up from the airport. We went on a whim even though Jolyon had to get up at 4am to start a long drive to Texas, even though I was exhausted from an unbelievably stressful day at work and even though Shelly had just sat through a 3-hr flight and probably just wanted to get home and unpack. We went all the same, happy to be reunited and tripping over our words with laughter because everything just somehow seemed to be hysterical. We ate pie and pancakes and off each other's plates. Suddenly, I was free again.

I'm reminded of how much I need the occasional break from routine. Where you just put aside your responsibilities and act on your own free intention, and let one adventurous moment carry you into the next. Yes, these are the times that I live for.

After going around all day getting caught up in all the different roles we play in life, it's so nice to come back to the best part there is to play - just me. And being appreciated for that.

Good friends, good times, good food. Ah, life is good.

Current

3.8.08. I think all the feelings that take place inside of me on a daily basis are just beautiful. Living the experience, as raw and messy as it can be is truly joyful and elating. I can survive and I can overcome. I've learned that pain is temporary and that life is juicy even with it's pits.

I think I should write a musical, the next big broadway. Starring me.

"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens. Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance. And if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance" -LeeAnn Womack

I read this very witty book at the bookstore yesterday. It was called The 10 Women you will be before you're 35 by Alison James. It listed them as:

1) The New Graduate - Now what?
2) The Dollarless Diva - Cereal, tuna and a whole lotta debt
3) The WorkerBee - I can do it all baby
4) The Party Girl - Like, call me on my cell
5) The Body Conscious Babe - Vitamins and mineral water
6) The Chameleon - I'll have what he's having
7) The Crisis Chick - Junk food and sleep
8) The Wirl - Half Woman, Half Girl - Call me Ma'am and you'll die
9) Ms. Independence - Empress of the Universe
10) The True You

Movie to watch: The Last Kiss

"He who has health has hope. And he who has hope has everything" -Arabian Proverb

Peeved

Going to post some older entries here - 10.30.01. The other night Chris was saying how he wants to rule the world. I was thinking about it, and I don't have the desire for power like that. I mean who cares. What's right for me isn't right for everyone. If someone offered me a ton of power, I'd be like No Thanks. I just don't see what joy there is in power. Maybe that's not entirely true. I certainly wouldn't mind having the power of persusasion. Sometimes I feel so lucky to have been born here in America when I learn about so many cultures filled with poverty and suffering. Those people know no better, they are so innocent. Anyway...I feel inspired to write about the twin towers.

"Remember the Universe is watching. Do the right thing. Be kind."

When I saw the lobby we had walked through on T.V., it looked like the scenes from Titanic that were shot underwater. Those eerie ghostlike images of destruction. That's how it looked. And I was there. Not long ago when it was alive as I am. It's weird. It's like I'm mourning the loss of a building. I didn't know any of those people. But I mourn for my memory of the towers. The events of this summer were so strange. My random trip there, the skirt I wore...

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference"

11.4.01. Chris told me that he doesn't think I'm very social. He was like "I used to think you were the social one, now I think I'm more social than you". Whatever. I'm just in a funk. Ever since high school ended...and my best friends moved away. I feel like when I do talk to people, sometimes I come off as superficial. I don't want to take the time to get to know people. When I hung out with Jill I could talk to random people and just totally be myself and not give a shit what they thought but I don't really do that by myself. I feel sad, Jill's always busy at school and she doesn't write me or anything. She's having a great time and here I am - halfway through my second year of college thinking 'yeah it's not so great' I haven't met anyone I find super terrific and it sucks. I talked to Janine and she feels the same way.

Erin is cool but I'm sure she's frustrated with me. She's asked me twice to go to a show with her and I totally could have but I just feel lazy and think I'll feel uncomfortable and then be stuck there. Why can't I just go and be openminded? I expect other people to be spontaneous but I often can't bring myself to be.

"Fill your life with tiny and large adventurous moments"

I was telling Jill about my funk and she was like 'you need to let go of the past'. She said last year she was all about high school but then she realized it wasn't 'high school' that she loved, it was the people she experienced it with. Well what does that mean? Move on and forget about your old friends? My brother said he went through the same thing. He's like 'enjoy it while it lasts though, college is a lot more fun than real life'. Great.

"What do I have do to get through all of this? I'm writing it down..." -NFG

Dream Interruptration

10.23.01. A bunch of us went to Denny's after the All Else Failed show the other night. During the car ride Erin was telling me about all her relationships. I love talking to her because she is really good at expressing herself and I like that quality. When she tells stories, I never have to question what was going through her mind because she says exactly what she was feeling and thinking.

"Remember, the real luxury is in your interior"

I had a dream last night - me and Jill were in church and we just kept laughing like we used to when we'd be up there in choir or for confirmation class. Anyway...in my dream, Sister Janice was getting pissed at us and tried to separate us. I miss Jill. I think I was upset because we were being separated just like in real life. They were taking away the one person I could just laugh with and have soo much fun and putting me in a place all by myself. It sucks. I have sad dreams all the time about Jill and Ali. I guess it's really bothering me subconsciously that I can't have a best friend at hand all the time.

"I'm never too far away. I'm never too close behind" -New Found Glory


I feel like I suck at public speaking. I feel like it's all coming out wrong and no one cares what I have to say. I wonder where this lack of confidence comes from. I don't know how to make it go away. I have two more speeches to get through. I feel like I suck at emotion in school. Like I bring no life into my speeches.

I had to say something to Harris in Interpersonal Comm yesterday and I said it with such lack of emotion that he even commented about it. I felt really dumb, like I come across as removed and distancy in school for some reason. I don't know how to let my expression come through in front of my peers. What is my problem?

"Lying awake, it still feels like it's 89'" -LTJ

I'm thinking about Lana and how she's soo warm and friendly. I wish I could be like that. She has a way with people. I just like to observe life I think. I mean there's so much to be involved in but I don't feel like it. Maybe I'm just lazy or I think that interacting with people is conflict in itself.

"Let me give you some insight into my insides. I haven't been this confused, in such a long time" -LTJ

Stampedes

10.2.01. Did I ever mention how everything inspires me? I love my journals. I really do. They listen to me, wholeheartedly. Writing, my companion.

"And when I think of how I'm feeling right now, somehow I still remember how I felt four years ago" -LTJ

The country is officially at war now. I am really upset about it. I had nightmares last night. I dreamed that this girl I know was getting some dental surgery to fix her teeth but the anastesia would kill her afterwards. It didn't make any sense to me. Why do one thing to try and fix the problem when you would die and not even see the results? I think this dream was a metaphor for not understanding why the terrorists would fly planes into the World Trade Center when they wouldn't live to see the reaction of people.

"Trust the one who hesitates and thinks before delivering their response"

Tai from work was telling me that sex is so special and if you give yourself to someone in that way, they can figure out everything about you, he said there's no more mystery. Is that true?