Toe Pick

4.15.01. Here's what I don't understand. If 'love' is really how I imagine it is (and I'm guessing it isn't) then everyone would be all swooning and googley-eyed all the time. Everyone would be happy, walking on sunshine, butterflies in their stomachs. No one would forget how wonderful their significant other is. They would honor and respect the other person. Treat them like gold. Why isn't it like that? Why do people become so careless, so lazy? Love is so beautiful, it's never ending. Why don't people act like that forever. It's like it - stops. Then they find another person and then take them for granted. It sucks.

"All love is based on the search for spirit" - Arnetha Paul

I am so scared. Of everything. I'm scared of my body getting sick and doing things I don't want it to do. I think what I'm most afraid of about being in a relationship is letting it become routine. Boring. An institution. That's what I loved about Chris. It never got that way because we didn't let it. Oh, to be there again. But maybe not.

"On an island in the sun, we'll be playing and having fun" - Weezer

4.15.02. Whomever I end up with is going to be a lucky man. I can say that because I know it's true. I should be very picky in making sure I get back all that I give. It sucks though because I feel like I'm very rare. I give more than most people I know. This makes me somehow think I'll be left wanting. Unsatisfied. But I guess as long as I'm happy in my heart, that's all I need. And I am.

I watched this movie today called Enchanted April and this old lady said 'People are always pairing off. It seems like the only way they can be happy." Hmm..I've definetely always been a pairing off kind of girl. I suffered a lot with Chris. I see that now. And I still have a hard time letting him go...the relationship itself. The bigger stuff. Our connection with the natural world. All the times we spent outside. In woods. Near train tracks. Those are the things I miss.

"Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life. How'd I get so faithful to my freedom, a selfish kind of life. When all I ever wanted was the simple things, a simple kind of life..." - Gwen Stefani

Sex is so beautiful. Oh there is so much to write about!

4.20.02. Man...my mom and I got in a big fight today. She started talking mad religious stuff to me so I put her in her place. We both started crying. Then she's telling me about how she was nearly engaged to this dentist guy but she prayed about it and realized he wasn't the right one for her and if she married him she'd end up emotionally abused and all this stuff. I'm like oh what and dad's the perfect husband? Please. I was like 'you don't know how your life would have turned out because you didn't choose that.' But she is convinced she does know. She keeps saying how she always gets signs and if she doesn't listen then bad stuff happens to her...I'm like right. How come I don't get signs? Maybe I should pay more attention to that kind of stuff. I dunno, I guess I just try to handle it on my own. Maybe there is a plan... I'm so tired now from crying. It sucks. I can't wait til next weekend so I can move my room. My room now is suffacating me. I called my brother today and he was like 'well you'll be on your own soon enough'. I guess. Sometimes I just think my mom is just nuts.

"Remember, the Universe is watching. Do the right thing. Be kind".

The things I miss, the things I don't.

4.15.02. I think the hardest thing about life is knowing you'll never be a finished product. No matter what goal you're working for, it's always going to be a process. A battle. Sometimes you're winning, other times you're losing. But you're always doing, coming, going.

I smelled the grass today. I love the smell of grass. It's so comforting. Brings me back to my childhood.

I gotta get away. From school. From my family. I miss Chris. We could do anything.

I feel like a caged animal. I need to be wild and free like the ocean.

"In the sweet bye and bye, we will meet on that beautiful shore"

Journal, Journal, Journal, sometimes I forget that I really am my own best friend. I love writing with colored pens. I have been doing so much soul searching lately. I can't seem to put my pen down. Last night online Brad and I were talking briefly and he didn't seem like he was in a talkative mood so I signed off quickly for fear of where the conversation might end up.

"A soulmate is someone who makes you think and feel in a new way. One who opens up your soul"

I'm reading Sabrina Ward Harrison's book called Spilling Open and it's inspiring me so much. She talks about how she came from her mom so she wants to know everything about her. I never thought of it like that before. I came from my mom.

4.9.02. It's Jill's birthday. Kara is so funny. She IMed me last night and was like 'Our Jill?" I feel sorta bad. That David guy called me last night and I was like 'Can I call you back?' but I didn't. Matt and I went to the Country Squire Diner last night. I had a really good time with him. I've noticed that Matt has become this incredibly open person. I never thought he would change but it's really nice. I was just spitting out all of my thoughts to Matt, but somehow it feels like even when you're trying to completely bare your soul, it still isn't enough. There's still more you can't express.

I told my dad that David is a wedding planner and he said 'Sounds like a fruitcake to me!'

"Will you stay with me now, don't leave this town, until we figure out...between the two of us, we're strong enough, I feel it in your touch" - The Anniversary

Worries I've had:
1. Losing everything I love
2. Being yelled at
3. Fires
4. Being made fun of
5. No ideas
6. Not being able to 'handle it all'
7. Mean tricks
8. Dissapointing someone I love
9. Not being brave enough
10. Not being funny enough
11. Being very lonley
12. Not being beautiful enough

Everyone is selfish. In different ways. Everyone is so faulted. But I can love those faults about my family and friends. It's just hard when it's my *love*. I want those people to be perfect and faultless.

I said to Matt last night 'Remember when there wasn't AOL?' And he was like 'Yeah, and people were happy.' Oh that's so true! Then he said 'AOL killed people's social skills.' True enough. I think it's weird how we create conflicts for ourselves. All the time. And then something big like 9/11 happens and all those little conflicts seem soo dumb and pointless.

"Look for the dream that keeps coming back"

In Passing

4.1.02. My Literature professor thinks no one is interested in her class. I am. It's my favorite class and I think she's amazing. I feel compelled to tell her this but my shyness holds me back.

"I never had any closer friends, then the ones I had when I was young" - The Ataris

4.8.02. Last night Matt asked me 'why do girls have to be so attractive?' And I said 'because they have to be'. And then I thought about this. Girls have to be so attractive so boys will want to have sex with them and make babies. It's strange, how nature works.

4.10.02. I had some bad dreams last night. Lots of abandonment.

"And I try the best I can, but who can understand, civilized man?" - Shelter

I think I need to start looking people in the eyes more. Start seeing more deeply into people. Because I know so deeply what's inside of me but it sure doesn't feel seen by many people. I feel so inspired by Sabrina Ward Harrison's books. She said there needs to be more 'journey books'. This gives me hope. Perhaps there is room in this world for my thoughts yet. Oh I am so young.

"To know you, is to love you" - Madonna

Right now I feel like I can do anything. ANYTHING! Make art, make music, make life! I'm so excited. So inspired. There are kindred spirits out there just like me. I really want to deepen my connections with people. Be a beautiful example of the love that I feel. I want to feel more like friends with my family than the role of a daughter, a sister. I think there can be something much deeper.

"Stitched up wounds are open once again" - Walls of Jericho

It's funny how I want everything in my life to be a metaphor. Like drinking water. It's so pure. So clean and cool. So cleansing. Why would I want to put any other liquid in my body? But then there is tea. I love tea. The way the tea bag serves as a sort of filter, not letting the tea leaves get into the water. I just had a nice swing with Dany before class. It's a beautiful day. I felt very succulent. We had marvelous conversation, I found myself speaking on a different level. I think it's funny how I always end up taking people off my buddylist but then later I put them back on. When whatever fear or mood I'm in passes.

I saw Aaron and his girlfriend today and I felt a force of negativity coming from them. What were they thinking of me? But I stayed strong and overcame it. Ugh. I definately don't want to be in class today and work later.

I hate how who I am and how I feel people see me as are so different.

SUCCULENT:
Ripe. Juicy. Whole. Round. Exuberant. Wild. Rich. Wide. Deep. Firm. Rare. Female.
-SARK

I've been thinking about how there's something incredibly delicious about seeing skin. I can't explain it but skin should just be celebrated. I think maybe it's because it's another metaphor. Bare skin and bare soul. We all want to bare our souls. And yet we are afraid to be naked.

Unrequitted Sap

You're like a piece of candy that I'll never get to eat
You're like a tidal wave that sweeps me off my feet
You're like a dance that was over way too fast
You're like a swan in water

You're like a movie where the ending keeps you guessing
When you look into my eyes, it's like you are seeing the bareness of my soul
I've never felt that way with anyone
It's like there's nothing I can hide

You are sometimes weary and sometimes strong
You often times remind me of my favorite song
The one I like to sing along

I wish I didn't have to write about you all the time
I wish I could just tell you

written 3.25.01

Video Update

Video Update is the place to be
Start working here and you get movies for free
Joe's the boss, he likes to smoke
Our soda machine has root beer and coke

Customer satisfaction is our guarentee
But return movies late and we'll make you pay a fee
Magazines, video games, and candy on display
The only thing that sucks is the stinkin awful pay

Preview tapes we know by heart, they play them every hour
Sometimes we get annoying phone calls
From people who are sour

The thing I like the most are the people who work here
Reily, Steve, Amanda and Jonathan
Who had a knife stuck up his rear

We all hate to close, it's never any fun
But sometimes we goof off and around the store we run
8 hour shifts with a 15 minute break
When people rent porn, we check their ID's to make sure it's not fake

written August 2000

Gardening

1.7.00. All I wanted to feel this weekend was grown up and confident that I could travel by myself and all I feel is frustrated. And scared. What am I doing? I couldn't even find my train. I'm tired.

I hate malls. I hate shopping. I hate doing anything when there's so many people around. Just people. Damn people.

"Flirts are in love with love. They value response, not the other person"

4.11.01. I saw Janine today. She was walking into Main. I was behind her. I think she saw me though. All I could think was the bitterness and resentment we've been harboring towards each other. And I felt - regret. I wish we were still friends. I miss hanging out with her. I miss how she was so blunt and told you what she thought. I miss her obsessive complusive ways and her mood swings. It's weird how one incident can bring up all these feelings and stuff. I haven't thought about her in a long time. I never thought I missed her before. But something about seeing her so near, seeing her Volcom backpack and how long her hair got, just made me wonder how she's doing and what she's up to. We used to be the best of friends. I suddenly feel like crying. If only I could have good girlfriends again. It would mean the world to me.

"Man I'm all I've got, like it or not I'm all I've got" - Less Than Jake

3.21.01. The more I study, the more I want to be creative, the more I want to take breaks. Why do we always want a situation opposite from our own? I don't want to get married. I don't want to live with the influence of someone else's beliefs and ideas. I want absolute freedom for my selfish self. I've learned that people's opposing ideas cause conflict and create distance and ruin things. It's impossible to find someone who shares the exact same beliefs as you and even if you do it doesn't matter because your ideas are always changing anyway...so it's just going to work out temporarily anyway. I don't blame him for not wanting commitment. I don't either. To anything or anyone. I want to come and go as I please. I want to try all the fruit in the bowl. I want to not owe anyone anything. I am only ME. It's my life, my world. I don't want kids or a husband. A dog would be okay, they don't spit back at you.

Where are these feelings coming from? Have I just been too hurt? Become finally fed up? Been made smart? Or become strong? I have no idea.

"I had a dream last night. You were in it. You waved to me. Maybe you were waving goodbye. It doesn't matter. I'm proud of what we went through together. It helps me get through the day. That, and you in my heart." - Mad Love