Letter to You

5.2.08 If you are just tuning in, welcome. This is my online archive of poetry, journal excerpts, freewriting, photography and the process of me - a work in progress. I love to write and express what I'm feeling even if my paper is the only thing that listens. My friend (sister) Shelly encouraged me to start an online blog and now I'm addicted! I love contributing to the dialogue of life - and if sharing my ideas, hopes, fears, doubts and questions helps anyone at all, then I have succeeded.

I love reading your stories too - learning what makes you tick and what you struggle with. I like to comment and give feedback but most often I tend to just observe, but I'm silently cheering you on as we all brave through this life together, leaping forward, fumbling backwards but always living, learning, loving and hopefully laughing along the way. So thank you for sharing and thank you for reading!

"If I could tell the world just one thing, it'd be, we're all okay" - Jewel

Backtalk

4.30.08 I'm feeling unglued, weighed down and convoluted. I found out that I let someone down bigtime, hurt them in a disasterous way that has majorally affected their perception of me. This is heartbreakingly devestating. The strange part is that this happened a long, long time ago but it's become apparent that the negative affect has hung over this relationship cursing it right from the start.

"Here's the things I meant but I never said" -The Starting Line

I know I messed up with friends before but it hasn't ruined our friendship, because that's what friends do, they hurt each other on accident and then they meet in the field of forgiveness and make amends. But maybe that's just the problem - that I wanted more - too much and some wounds just cut too deep I guess. It's really hard to accept when you've caused someone you care about pain and suffering.

"It'll never snow in Florida..." -NFG

I guess sometimes history has to repeat itself in order for you to truly learn and manifest a lesson from something like this. It's defeating to feel that despite my best efforts and intentions, what I have to offer will never be enough. I wonder, can we learn to cultivate acceptance for wrongs we know we can never make right?

Dealbreakers

4.30.08 "All I know is that I don't know...all I know is that I don't know nothing". -Operation Ivy

Some of my friends have been buzzing about dealbreakers lately. I have been giving it some thought. To an extent, I agree with my friend Joy. She says that ultimately, if you are really truly into someone - there are No dealbreakers. This resonates true on a lot of levels. Think about what you will deal with and put up with over someone you are smitten for. It can be both good and bad. But at the same time, we should all have standards, things that we know we should not stand for, or things that just won't work for us compatibility-wise.

For me personally, there has only ever been one dealbreaker - the ability to trust someone. When that is gone, I know the deal is over.

"You've lost your way with words, at least that's what I've heard. You've lost your way with words, and for me, what could be worse?" - The Starting Line

Delicious Friendship

4.20.08. Two thoughts for today. First of all, I am completely in love with my friend's daughter. Her name is Riley and she is absolutely the bomb. Everytime I talk to Jen on the phone, Riley wants to talk to me and although she's only 3, we have extraordinary conversations. She'll ask me how Disney World is and tell me what she's being for Halloween even though it's a long ways away. She'll remind me of the fun we had over Christmas when I played Hungry Hungry Hippos with her she says she likes her new little sister but that she didn't like her at first in the hospital. The precious innocence of her voice and the twinkle in her eye when she tugs at my hand to show me her newest toy is magical. I look forward to the days when she is older and we can hang out together and I can tell her what a crazy girl her mommy was. Tear!

"A kiss is never just a kiss, there's a whole universe of meaning contained in a kiss"

Other thought, I saw my juicy friend Liz this weekend. Lizard is a living, breathing fireball of fun. I hadn't seen her in 3 years, probably since our college graduation. She was one of the few people I clicked with while living in Illinois. When she and her hubby (my old boss from TGIF) moved an hour away from me in Florida, I was excited but we never ended up getting together. Finally I was going to be in the little seaside town of Melbourne for a concert so we would meet up for a drink but then at the last minute the concert was cancelled. I thought it'd still be a good opportunity for us to hang out so I went to visit her. It's awesome when you see someone who is just as you remembered them.

"Laughing so hard I've got tears in my eyes. Walk in the park, under sapphire skies..." - Gwen Stefani

Fooding for Thought

4.14.08. Exercise 13 - Having it All. The following exercise is designed to help you gain perspective on what this popular phrase means to you. In your journal or notebook, answer the following questions.

1) What does having it all mean to you? Specifically list all the things you want. Having it all means to me....having a long-lasting, secure, fulfilling relationship, while maintaining a successful career and living in a desireable place/home - having beautiful, healthy children and staying good-looking. Not getting fat.

2) If you did have it all, how would your life look? If I did have it all, I'd be married to someone I had a great amount of love and respect for. We'd be very much in love, dependent on each other and focused on personal growth, health, healing and whole living. I'd be a full-time mom raising our 3-5 lovely children and I'd also be an author and founder of Chi Tea - a successful local teahouse. We'd own a ranch house on the outskirts of Chester County and have a big yard with our own garden and pond. We'd have two cats and a dog. We'd have a fireplace pit and have lots of bonfires on cool nights and have a hot tub on our deck. My hubby and I would work out together and enjoy many physical activities. I would dance, bike, rollerblade and we'd do yoga and kickboxing. Maybe I'd teach some yoga classes on the side too.

3) Can you think of anyone who embodies the notion of having it all? I looked at Steve Irwin as someone who had it all, an adventurous life, he made a positive impact on the world and had a beautiful family and true love. Also Nicholas Sparks and M. Night Shamalyan seem to have it all to me - public success and a happy personal life.

4) When you think of attaining everything, does the idea seem overwhelming or actually possible? It does seem pretty overwhelming and I'm not really sure if it could be actually possible.

5) How do you think you would feel if you didn't eventually get it all? I think I'd feel sad but I'd still strive for a few of the things I really want.

One of the biggest obstacles female quarter-lifers create as we try to figure out what we want is setting goals that aren't specific or realistic. We buy into the myth of 'having it all' but often we don't itemize what that involves. We list things as 'great career' without really knowing what that means. We want a 'wonderful romantic relationship' but we hate dating and expect soul mates to just fall into our laps. We say we want self-confidence and balance, yet we judge and overextend ourselves. We moan and groan about our bodies, but we do not make exercise and healthy food part of our daily lives. The first step toward clairty and targeted action is to be percise and practical in our goal-setting rather than clinging to the pie-in-the-sky notion of having it all. -Christine Hassler

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