Unglued

12.14.02.

New Years Resolutions 2003
1) Say No More
2) Be Real Always
3) Don't just 'make out'
4) Forgive Myself

Brad and I were talking about how most people just don't have a clue. How they are stupid and just do things without thinking. I know I'm way aware of my thoughts and feelings and actions most of the time but I think this is necessary, essential even. I wouldn't want to be one of those mindless people who sit around and don't do anything purposeful with their lives.

"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi

12.19.02. I'm beginning to realize that I might not find people who inspire me, love that is true or a job that satisfies me. I think that for most people, it must sadly be this way.

"I certainly do not wish to alter the world, but perhaps it would be better to say that I hope to change my vision of the world" -Henry Miller

Ugh, sometimes I want so badly to be nice to everyone at work but something is always holding me back. It seems to take too much effort.

12.25.02. Merry Christmas Journal. Chris sent me a text message this morning that said "Merry Christmas, you are always in my heart and I want you to know that". We went to Jersey today to see the relatives. Tracey showed me her pictures from Australia, looks like she had a really great time. Makes me anxious to start my own adventure.

Change, change, growing, packing, learning, leaving.

12.29.02. Sean and I hung out the other night and had a really great time. He had to housesit for his boss so we went and watched Van Wilder. It was funny and the cat was snuggling up with me the whole time. Sean started telling me how I'm so naive and not 'street smart'. Oh please, tell me something I don't know. Then he was saying that he's a realist and rational and I'm such a dreamer, fantasy-liver type. He's like 'you're so goofy, you're like a little girl'. I think Sean is afraid of getting close with me, espeically since I'm leaving. He's starting to do that whole 'girls are evil' thing. Sigh...and he started out as such a gentleman..

I keep thinking of this sunrise I saw on an airplane one time. It was just soo beautiful. I mean we were in Philly and it was pouring rain and as soon as we took off, we rose up to witness this tremendous sunrise. For a brief couple minutes, I let myself enjoy it. I released my fear of flying, and just gazed out at the mighty world. I felt so tiny. I felt powerless to all of nature and the forces out there. My world shrunk below farther and farther. The clouds looked like mountains of cotton candy. They formed castles in the sky.

12.31.02. My mom has been really depressed lately. She said to me last night "At least people with cancer die, there's an end to their suffering." I didn't know what to say. I feel like I'm not good at being there for her. I'm not good at comforting. She was like 'I'm envious of everyone I see because they are healthy.' Then she said she was sad because everyone left and I will be soon too. "Everyone is moving on, except me...I can't...I'm even jealous of the cat." Oh mommy.

Why? Why? Why? Why isn't there ANYTHING they can do?? When will they find a cure? It's not fair. At all. Not even slightly.

She told me that she's so lonely because no one can understand. So alone. She is so brave. She doesn't want to bring us down. I have so many reasons to be sad, bitter, depressed but I can't even manage to cry anymore. Won't let myself feel it.

(Zan sitting next to me...is such a precious gift, how I love life and all of it's imperfections)

It's like this song Maria sings in Roswell:

"You can look at life as one big fall, life will be both hell and bliss or it will be nothing at all. So I just ask you now to choose...don't you think it's worth it, even if we could still lose.."

It's hell and bliss, pain and pleasure, love and hate, it's two opposites, it's a paradox and so much more.

Don't expect things from people.

All these lessons that I've learned from growing and experience, I have to remember to apply and reapply to my life.

All these references at my disposal..I need to be reminded of everyday.

I want to keep my heart sweet and be pure.

It's hard with all the outside forces called the world---->culture - bustle of life always pulling me away from my core - my values. I find myself acting other ways than I know I am.

Patterns, patterns.

"I always waste my time with my chemical emotions, they keep my head spinning around" -Green Day

People always say I'm spacey. Ditzy, in my own little world.

They should be too. We all need to keep in check. Self awareness.

I don't claim my feelings. I make generalized statements like 'Men are this' etc. even when I'm trying to be aware. I tend to catch myself after I say it. I need to own my feelings and describe where they come from instead of just letting people attach a label to me any time I state an opinion. It's harder than it sounds.

It's ironic that when we want to connect with others, it seems like we have to leave ourselves. That whole halfway thing... I need to let go of wanting/trying to control. But it seems like the only way to navigate my life.

"When I was young I thought that the world circled around me. But in time, I realized I was alone." -Green Day

The thing I think keeps it all interesting, moving and flowing is that everything which seems hopeless one night when I go to bed, is replaced with new hope, new ideas and new plans the next day. There's this driving force that keeps us going. A new chance, beginning, road, a way to make it better, a strategy, a belief that somehow we've got information now that will maybe allow us...to win.

As if that really happens for anyone but we truly believe that for us, it might be different. Imortality. Infinite life, love and happiness.

Waiting in the sunset, at the end of a rainbow that we can never reach.

"I am beauty-full no matter what they say, words can't bring me down. I am beauty-full in every single way, yes words can't bring me down" -Christina Augurilla

The problem with moments is that we can't hold onto them no matter how hard we try. As soon as they are realized, the power of the moment is lost.