Sexcapdes

5.4.08. I've been blogging a lot because I've been sick all weekend so not doing a whole lot. Here's my question of the day, can a man and a woman really be friends?

"A man and a woman can never be friends because the sex part always gets in the way" -When Harry Met Sally

(My therapist suggested that we look for 3 things in a person that are necessary for a relationship to work - Chemistry, Personality and Character. You might be able to sustain a relationship if you have strength with someone in two of those areas but if one is missing, you will probably have troubles down the road unless you can resolve to work it out.)

My feeling is that you can have a true friendship with a person of the opposite sex, as long as you don't have physical chemistry with that person. I can honestly say there have been men in my life who I have enjoyed hanging out with because I either connected with their personality or admired their character, without desiring anything physical. That's not to say they may have felt the same way though. If they had felt chemistry for me, the friendship probably ended when we discovered we were not seeking the same outcome from the relationship.

I think if you are trying to maintain a friendship with someone whom you share a physical chemistry with but for whatever reason are not romantically involved with, you need to establish and honor clear boundaries especially if one of them is in a relationship.

I once read a great book called Emotional Infidelity which I'd recommend everyone to read. It gives a very conservative view on relationships but I think in this day and age when there is so much out there at our fingertips (the Internet, text messages, etc.) that can so easily have a negative effect on one's relationship, we can all benefit in reexamining our beliefs about what constitues unfaithfulness. I'm not saying I agree with all these things but as you read them, notice your reaction. If you are feeling defensive or outright rejecting the idea, ask youreself why.

Here is a good passage from the book:

"Countless people have told me that getting involved with members of the opposite sex isn't a problem for them because it would never lead to adultery. They've even believed that a little flirtatiousness now and then is healthy, reminding us that we're still attractive to the world at large. Sex is far from the only problem. You will simply be chipping away at your relationship every time you get that ping of excitement from an emotionally stimulating moment with someone of the opposite sex. It's dangerous to your relationship, and not because it might lead to sex. Rather, it drains your relationship of the immense energy it needs to grow: the energy to flirt with each other, to be emotionally stimulated by a different point of view, to share the excitement with someone who wants to know who you are. When you place your emotional energies elsewhere, without even realizing it, you don't offer your significiant other the opportunity to provide you with that same ping of excitement you are looking for elsewhere".

10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship

Secret #1 Commitment is the glue of any relationship. Insulate and protect your relationship against emotional infidelity by avoiding friendships with the opposite sex.

Secret #2. Codependence is a necessary ingredient for a great relationship. The two of you must need each other.

Secret #3. Couples need clear, realistic goals and a specific plan of how to achieve those goals.

Secret #4. Your relationship has to come first - before jobs, kids, anything else. Your unconscious assumptions are holding you back from putting in the effort.

Secret #5. Your childhood has a great deal to do with your ability to enjoy a great relationship. The more you understand this connection, the better relationship you will have.

Secret #6. Great sex comes not from great sexual skill but from sharing your deepest, shyest self while trusting your partner.

Secret #7. Acceptance is about appreciating, not settling.

Secret #8. Your marriage comes before your child. but your child is one of your best tools for creating a great marriage.

Secret #9. Like any strong working partnership, relationships need well-defined roles for each spouse.

Secret #10. Time is on your side. A great marriage has many different stages and takes years to develop properly.