Pineapple Juice

3.13.08. Two things I will never understand in life: beer and cigerettes.

As I walk through the airport I wonder how it is that I - the girl who used to be afraid of absolutely everything in life - could suddenly be so fearless. I feel incredibly strong and beautiful and confident today. I feel momentary peace.

"Love doesn't have anything to do with anyone else. Love is not a relationship. Love is a state of being, it's the condition of our own heart" -Judy Ford

I found out that Patrick Swayze, one of my heros has pancreatic cancer. Another reminder of how important it is to live healthy and how fragile life is. I feel more than anything that these journals are letters to myself. They may be silly to someone else, they may sound neurotic and not make any sense at all but for me, they are validations that I do have a voice and that what I say and think matters emensely.

"Sages say that the path of wisdom is narrow and difficult to tread, as narrow as the edge of a razor" -Upanishads

I do feel comfortable in my skin and I feel radiating and high and yet I don't understand it because I am going through a divorce and everything I worked for - that I thought I wanted...is gone. What does that mean?? Is it weird that I question myself for feeling good?

I'm not sure of a lot of things in this world but I am sure of myself and my feelings. I learn a lot from other people but I really am my own best teacher. Geez -how did I get so self indulgent?

"We live in feelings, not in figures on a sundial. We should count time in heartbeats" -Aristotle

Everything in life to me seems like a gigantic poem or something. Beautiful, sad, and yet inspiring. My plane is here. I had harsh words with Brian tonight. I am disappointed that we cannot reach a place of understanding. It hurt that he said talking to me is like talking to a brick wall sometimes. I don't know why he would think that - the goal in a truly great partnership is to become ridiculously honest and comfortable with expressing your feelings and trying to let someone know how you feel and then putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Many people have told me that I'm open and easy to talk to. I am sorry that he didn't perceive me as safe to share his feelings with as I did. Perhaps that is what caused the breakdown of things. Communication is not just important, it is essential.

"Things won't always turn out as you hoped or planned, but if you seize opportunities, act diligently and fairly, and show goodwill towards others, you'll enjoy a full, rich life unburdened by regrets"

I'm trying to see things as they are and not as I are. Should I go home? Greener grass, bluer skies... or would that be a disaster? Trains, planes and tidal waves - they all crash down at some point. Goodnight.